Stay or Leave? My current relationship.

[TrulyMadlyDeep]

Hey everyone. I just signed up to the forum today in hopes that somebody or many people could help me out with my relationship troubles. You can refer to me as "Bee" if you'd like. I am a 24 year old woman. Here's my story.

I know the problem I am having, so let me put it bluntly. I feel unsatisfied/unneeded/powerless/pointless sexually when it comes to my boyfriend. I feel like I can't do anything for him sexually, and that is wearing me out, making me feel insecure and unhappy. A big turn on for me is being able to take control of my lover and make them desire me so much that I make them melt (really and truly haha). The thought of being able to jump my man's bones whenever I want and have him respond positively towards it is really sexy to me. And having a lover who desires me just as much, and wants to please me and make me orgasm because he finds me so sexy is also another huge turn on for me. And I do not get that from my current relationship. Let me explain.

My boyfriend and I began dating three years ago. I was from the east coast and moved to California when I was 21 because I loved it out here and that is where I wanted to be (I also had some friends out there and a huge crush that I wanted to pursue when I finally moved to CA). So as soon as I moved to CA, my crush and I made our dating official and began a relationship (we had started "dating" one another long-distance half a year before I moved to CA, as we had met and liked one another and knew I would be moving out there soon. He flew to the east coast to see me before I moved out to meet my family and whatnot. We had a history before we jumped into a relationship right away, is what I am trying to say.)

When I moved to CA, I lived a little less than two hours away from my bf. We would take turns traveling to see one another every weekend or so. He lived with his parents and I had my own apartment. Our sexuality issues developed right from the start. He didn't seem interested in sex at first, but I attributed that to his lack of confidence in bed. When I would try to touch him sexually, he would push my hand away or tell me to stop right away. Since our relationship was really new, I began feeling rejected sexually from the beginning. And when it came to him pleasing me, well, that didn't really happen. Ever. He would finger me here and there, but I could tell he was just doing it because I initiated it and wasn't really that into it, or willing to listen to what I wanted (I would tell him where to touch me and he would instead try to get me to enjoy how HE was touching me ... even though it wasn't what made me feel really good). After a year of me living in CA and being in this relationship, I moved to the city he lived in and we got an apartment together. But our sexual struggles continued. And still are to this day.

Currently, I have yet to give him a handjob or blow job, or be pleased by him. When he's ready for sex, we go into the other room and have sex. If I ask him to please me beforehand, he makes a fuss by saying things like "are you serious?" or "aw come on" because he is ready to go. Our sex is so vanilla. He gets horny, tells me he wants to have sex, we go into the bedroom, he lasts a couple minutes, and then he takes a shower. Up until about a week ago, I didn't know what was so wrong with our relationship sexually. I have felt so insecure with him because I feel like I can never please him, and that he doesn't have the desire to make ME want to orgasm. And I am normally a very confident person!! So I thought maybe I was expecting too much. With further research, I was able to pinpoint the problem and learn about myself that the reason I am struggling so hard with our sexual situation is because something that is a huge turn on for me that is usually the underlying topic when I masturbate is control and desire. So when I hear that it seems to be a hassle to make me orgasm, it is a huge turn-off, and unfortunately builds my resentment. Knowing that I need to feel that sense of control over my man. Otherwise, I feel pointless and that I am just a vagina when it comes to sex. I know he loves me more than anyone in the world, he tells me he wants to marry me all of the time, and we are only 24 years old. As much as I like knowing he is this happy and content with me, it kills me knowing that I'm not on the same page as him, because although his desires may be being met, mine are not.

So a week ago, after finding out what my problem was when it came to sex, and why I often felt resentment towards him sexually, I gathered my thoughts and talked to him about it. But after I told him what I learned about myself, he got defensive as he always does and we got into an argument. He wasn't seeing where I was coming from, and it got to the point where I asked him to spend the night at his parents for a couple days because I needed some space to sort things out in my head. When we met back up a couple days later and talked, we were able to make amends because we love each other very, very, very much, but I stuck to my guns about needing that sense of power sexually. I don't think he truly understands, though. Because still nothing has changed. Although it has only been a week, to be fair.

Since our talk last week, the topic of oral sex has come up a lot more. He has been saying that he wants to try oral sex, (him giving it to me and me giving it to him), but it has yet to happen. And at this point, thinking about doing those things with him almost makes me more uncomfortable than excited, because I am so nervous that he won't like it, or I'll make a fool of myself.

This is killing me, because I love this man so very much, and I know that he truly wants to marry me someday. He loves me unconditionally, and I fear that he may just need himself sexually and that just may be who he is. But I know that I won't be happy in this relationship down the road if it stays the way it is. I have needs and desires that I need met to be happy, too, and I am just not getting that.

99.99% of the time I am the one to buy condoms. We buy magnum size because he is quite large, and it is like he is almost embarrassed to buy them himself. He has only given oral to one girl before, an ex gf from highschool, and he didn't like it and never tried it again. And the only time he has been given a BJ was in highschool from the same gf, and he didn't like it and never tried it again. I am very open and have told him I will take it slow with him, but I am running on fumes here. I have explained to him that I am open for role-play, or literally anything sexual he wants to try. But it is like he just isn't interested in sexual acts. He just seems interested in getting off and getting it done with. Wouldn't most guys kill for such an open, sexual girlfriend who is willing to have crazy sex whenever?! Or am I missing something here?

To be fair, I have only had one other boyfriend prior to him and only two sexual partners (not including my current bf). So I can't say I am the most experienced with different guys. So that is why I am here, on these forums, hoping somebody can make a connection with me, or point me in the right direction, or give me some advice, or tell me I am acting crazy. I just need to tell someone my own story because I am sick of googling for stories similar to mine and reading advice tailored to that situation. So here is my own story. I am truly looking forward to any and all feedback that I can get. Go ahead and be honest, I will appreciate it.

I wanted to mention also how good our relationship is on every other level except sexually. He empowers me and makes me feel more confident. He is loyal, trustworthy, responsible, fun, caring, and honest. When we are together, we are usually laughing a LOT. I don't remember laughing so much in my life as I do with him. My family absolutely adores him because he is such a sweetheart, and his family has completely taken me in. He tells me I am his soulmate and the one he will marry someday. He has made me become a better, more mature person and I have grown up so much while being with him. He has done an incredible amount of good in my life. Everyone loves him. Because he is genuinely a nice guy. I just wish he would unlock his sexual gates and at least give me the key to access him whenever I wanted!!

Thank you so much for reading. I feel better just knowing I am getting my worries out there in hopes for some kind of solution. Sorry if my thoughts are scattered. I am open to answering whatever questions you may have.
-Bee

[namemyname]

He's the one with the problem, babe, NOT you.

This guy has either been abused, how a very low sex drive, or has some other serious hang up.

NONE of this is because of you.

[TrulyMadlyDeep]

Thanks for the reply. I am nearly certain he has never encountered any type of abuse. He has a close relative who actually works with child services. Maybe he had a contorted vision of sex growing up because he constantly heard about stories of different abuse cases. That thought has crossed my mind before, thanks for pointing it out. As for hangups, he has a couple of fetishes, and I try to be comfortable with them, because I like to be non-judgmental and open. Especially with him, because I love him. But I will admit that I have felt insecure about his fetishes and made my insecurities audible. But I am nearly positive the only reason I felt insecure about them was because I thought the subject of his fetishes were more sexy to him than myself (we wouldn't have sex very often, but I would have found out he masturbated, and I would ask why because I was always willing to have sex. That led to insecurities on my behalf). And since I never felt like I could please him myself, it hurt my feelings to find out he would masturbate. That was towards the beginning of our relationship (after a year) when we first moved in with one another. I don't think he masturbates much anymore.

[Starnique]

Agree with the above. He's getting his right? You're the one that's not being satisfied. You should leave if he's not changing. You've already told him how you felt. What grown man is ashamed to buy condoms? Seriously? Relationships aren't based on sex but it does play an important factor. With that being said, do you see yourself really staying with this guy with his lack of experience and the fact that he doesn't care enough to do anything about it? Since you love him, mention it again and tell him you're not happy and you're not going to continue to live without getting a good tap out every now and then.

[namemyname]

And his fetishes are...?

[TrulyMadlyDeep]

His preferences in women are that he likes them big. I, myself, am a plus-size girl, and confidently so. His fetishes relate to the sense of roundness and/or a big stomach, so fetishes like inflation or pregnancy. I have even told him that I would totally role-play those fetishes out for him. I am not scared of his tastes, I think they make him more interesting, and give us more scenarios we could play out. I just want to be able to be the sexy one behind it for him. If that makes any sense.

[namemyname]

That's not a fetish. That's a preference.

[TrulyMadlyDeep]

In reply to Starnique: Do I see myself being happy down the road if nothing changes about our relationship? Definitely not, because I am already unhappy. You're right, since I love him, I should try talking to him about it again. It is just so unsexy to me to have to almost ask him to seem desirous of me. Its like I want him to be, but I also don't want to have to be the one asking him to be. Is that immature of me?

[basilandthyme]

wow. I would not have lasted a month with your guy.

Hon, you've got to learn to be more ruthless and dump someone who's not compatible - it's far wiser than moving in with them.

[TrulyMadlyDeep]

@Basilinthyme: Thanks for commenting. I feel that I didn't give enough attention to all the positive points to our relationship, and how much he has positively done for me. So I just wanted to address it further. The connection I share with him is so amazing in every other aspect, though, that I can't help but hope our sexual compatibility can be fixed. I know it isn't personal on his end, it is just who he is. I just know that I won't be happy in this relationship if my own needs to feel like I can freely express myself sexually aren't met, like they haven't been. He would make an amazing father to children, and he really, truly loves me. He grew up so much since being in a relationship with me, and as have I with him. But sex is also a big factor on if I am happy and not having that connection is really making me think twice about our future together.

[TrulyMadlyDeep]

@BasilandThyme: I feel I didn't pay enough attention to explaining how much good he has done for my life, so I wanted to go ahead and address it further. The connection I share with him is so amazing in every other aspect, though, that I can't help but hope our sexual compatibility can be fixed. I know it isn't personal on his end, it is just who he is. I just know that I won't be happy in this relationship if my own needs to feel like I can freely express myself sexually aren't met, like they haven't been. He would make an amazing father to children, and he really, truly loves me. He grew up so much since being in a relationship with me, and is willing to work however much it takes to support us financially. But sex is also a big factor on of I am happy and not having that connection is making me think twice about our future together.

[michelle23]

I agree. This relationship should not have lasted more than 6 months. When you realize there is something important missing like sexual comparability then it really is time to cut your losses and walk away but now you have been together 3 years and you love him so its not so easy. You need to ask for sex therapy hun and if he refuses, then you do need to walk away.

There is definitely something wrong here. I wonder is he asexual? Its as if he just masturbates inside you and then that's it. Or maybe he has OCD with hygiene. You said he takes a shower straight after and has issues with oral.. Have you ever asked him to have sex without a condom? Does he have issues with that too?

He does need therapy. You say your relationship is really good but its not. your missing the most important things in any relationship which is communication. He doesn't trust you enough to be honest with you about why he is this way when it comes to sex and until he can be open with you and a therapist about that and is willing to sort out his issues-then nothing will get better.

If he refuses to see a sex therapist then walk away now. You have given him 3 years and nothing has changed.

I'll just add that you cant have it your way all the time either. You say you need to be in control. That is fine occasionally but remember give and take is important. If you go to therapy with him than you need to learn how to enjoy other types of sex too such as him being in control

Good luck

[jameslarkin]

"I have felt so insecure with him because I feel like I can never please him"
---->never let the outcome of a relationship dictate how you feel about your self, you are most likely a great person how ever not every one is suited to be together,

"I am normally a very confident person"



"I gathered my thoughts….he got defensive"
---->this is not a good sign, he might love you but i think he is being selfish, or might be an argumentative person which he could have got off his parents ( i too am a little augmentative learning to get over that now)

"(him giving it to me and me giving it to him), but it has yet to happen."
---->i would suggest planning a romantic night together, make sure that you are well presented shaved, smell great up and down below, get some sexy underwear, stockings suspenders, drink some wine, chill out somehow together, candles chill out music

"He has only given oral to one girl before, an ex gf from highschool, and he didn't like it and never tried it again"
---->she may not have prepared her self properly, i know the first few girls (not all) i gave head to were not very clean and put me off it, older girls understand this point and prepare better and its a pleasure

"I have explained to him that I am open for role-play, or literally anything sexual he wants to try."
---->my god well done, what a great idea, wish my ex did this before we broke up i would have been a much better boy friend

"Wouldn't most guys kill for such an open, sexual girlf….."
---->yes they would move to the uk and lets get started lol

"So I can't say I am the most experienced with different guys"
---->at least you are trying



i think you are doing what ever you can to please him sexually, asking him i will do anything you want in bed a great start, really is a great start, i really wish my ex gf had been more like this.

i really don't know what else to suggest you can do apart from communication.

sit him down find out why he things he has these problems in the first place
what would turn him on
what would make him want more sex
sometimes being a challenge helps, are you asking him for sex every day i know i used to do this with my ex and it really helps, everyone wants something they can't have and is the same in relationships no need to play mind games but make him work for the sex in a fun way use a points system for fun, has he cooked for you… well thats 10 points he need 100 points for sex

[TrulyMadlyDeep]

"Or maybe he has OCD with hygiene. You said he takes a shower straight after and has issues with oral.. Have you ever asked him to have sex without a condom? Does he have issues with that too?"

He is definitely a bit of a hygiene freak. I am not on birth control so we won't have sex without a condom, but if I got onto birth control he seems willing to try.

I am so torn in this relationship because I want him to be more sexual, but I don't want to have to dig it out of him. Part of me thinks he truly just does not get turned on by sexual acts, and instead by images that reflect his preferences/fetishes. If we are together but cannot have sex for some reason and he is horny, he will just masturbate "to me" while I lay there in front of him. I feel useless and stupid doing this, because I wish I could just take matters into my own hands and please him myself. But maybe he truly just isn't into the acts that go along with sex.

@JamesLarkin: Our communication is pretty terrible. I never feel like I can effectively communicate how I feel to him because he is always waiting with a defense. He has a lawyer in his family, and unfortunately, he seems to think debating and treating relationship issues like a court case is necessary. I never feel like he will just listen to what I have to say, without automatically just jumping to his defense.

We have tried the whole "make him work for it" but if I mention that he has to work for it, he seems to get turned off by it, and acts like "what? I can't just have you?" So if you have any examples of how I could go about this, I would love to.

Having only spilled my guts yesterday, I am already seeing a clearer picture to my questions. All of your help and guidance is really helping out. Thanks for taking the time to lend some advice. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. This has been driving me nuts for three years now!

[TrulyMadlyDeep]

I just had the conversation with him, and although it got heated at first, he eventually let his guard down and understood where I was coming from. He claims he "wants" to do these things with me, so hopefully he will start to show them ASAP, because I was completely honest with him about having sexual needs and if they are not met then I cannot remain in this relationship happily any longer. He does love me, and I feel like he would do anything for me. But he needs to man up and stick to his word. Otherwise, I am out.

So considering this, and with @jameslarkin's insight in mind, does anyone have any tips on how to go about edging into oral sex? Maybe this is the wrong forum to ask that question? I'm a total newbie to this forum, so I apologize for any inconvenience. But I really appreciate the help.