I don't know if there's anything else I can do anymore.

[Britt6333]

I posted this under the "Ask a Male" forum, but I thought I'd ask it here also. And plus, I have an update since my post on there. I'm really, really sorry in advance that it's so long. I know it's a huge pain to read, but I would really appreciate any advice that I'm given.

"Okay, let me start with a little back story (okay, a huge back story. Please bear with me lol). My ex boyfriend is Korean and I'm American. So there was a bit of a language and cultural barrier at times. We met in the US while he was an exchange student. I became friends with many Korean students at my new university that I transferred to this spring because I was planning on studying abroad in and eventually moving to Korea. He, along with one other guy, was actually the first Korean man that I had ever met. We eventually became best friends. But things got a bit sticky. I had a big crush on him and after around 3 weeks of knowing each other, he kissed me. I asked him if we were going to start dating and he said that he wasn't interested in a relationship until after he finished college and military service (so for at least 3 more years). However, he still wanted to stay "friends" (aka FWB). For a long time I resisted because I was a virgin. But eventually, I gave myself to him.

He was leaving the US university in May to go to Korea and that was when I was also going to Korea to start my exchange program. I was actually planning on never contacting him again after I got to Korea because I was tired of being used like that. But around one month before we both left for Korea, something in him switched and he started treating me like an absolute princess. He told me that even though we were "kind of" in a relationship, he wanted to make it official. He and I didn't think that we were going to see each other much at all once we got to Korea because whenever I would be in school, I would be living in the dorms and they have a strict curfew policy that they're serious about. Also, he lives in a different city than where I go to school, so he wouldn't be able to see me on weekdays either. And then when I wasn't in classes, I was going to be staying with a friend on the other side of the country. And also, his military service starts in April, and during that time he rarely gets any vacation days where he would be able to see me. So anyway, even though we didn't think that we'd be able see each other very much at all and plus he had all the "benefits" without the commitment, he still decided to take it to the next level and he really wanted to officially date me.

We started officially dating around 1 week before we got to Korea. The first couple of months of dating were absolutely incredible. I was in a 2 year relationship previously (1 of which we were engaged), and I never felt like that in the previous relationship. I loved my ex, but he never really pursued me at all. I was always the one planning the dates, initiating everything, etc. Anyway, this boyfriend was totally different. He pursued me like crazy. Whenever we were apart, he was always texting me saying how much he missed me like crazy, even if it had only been a couple of days. He was always so encouraging of me and my dreams and he was extremely protective of me since I was in a foreign country. We laughed because he was treating me like a dad since my own dad wasn't here. He would say things like "Now, make sure you're drinking enough water, don't walk alone at night, etc". Very dad-like lol And whenever we would spend the night together, he was so affectionate. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night but I would fake sleep because he would start stroking my face and kissing on me whenever he thought I was asleep. That was so wonderful to me because it showed me that he truly cared. He was affectionate even when he thought that I didn't know it.

I've never had so much in common with anyone. We literally are like a mirror image of each other. It's crazy. I didn't think something like that was even possible.

Anyway, so fast forward to around 2 months ago. I got a small apartment in the same city as my university mainly so that he and I could spend more time together. He had to do an internship for college for one month during the summer and he was able to get one in the city I live in. So he moved in with me for around 1 1/2 months total. Before his internship started, things were still great. I will say, though, I was too clingy. I've never lived completely on my own, let alone in a country where I can't even communicate with 90% of the people. So I was way too dependent on him. I even apologized to him and told him that once I got more used to things and made more friends in the city, I'd be less dependent on him. He told me that he didn't mind it at all, but I think he was just saying that. Honestly, I was a bit of a basket case at times too. I never, ever, ever cry in public. I don't even cry in front of most of my family members. But ever since I came here, I cried in front of him multiple times. When I got homesick, whenever we had any sort of argument, etc. I was too emotional. Eventually I even started pressuring him to say that he loved me, which I think was another thing that started to push him away.

So then his internship started. Even though the internship was in the same city, it was on the very opposite side and he had to take a subway/bus. So it took him 2 hours one way. He literally had to leave my place at 7am because his job started at 9am. His job usually ended at 8-9pm, which meant he wasn't able to get home until around 10-11pm. And once he got home, he still had a ton of paperwork to do every night until around 1am. It was crazy. I can't believe how hard the people are worked here in Korea. But I know that's how hard they work. I do private tutoring and a lot of my students tell me that they have to work until past midnight at work sometimes. Anyway, so he was working crazy hard. And he's never done that before. So it was really taking a toll on his body and mind. I tried so hard to be supportive. I made sure that he had food every night, I rubbed his back for him, I sent him encouraging texts throughout the day, etc. But he started getting so that even on the weekends, he refused to even hold my hand or anything. He would hardly talk to me at all. He told me that it was because he was so exhausted. So I really tried to understand. But then he started talking to a female co-worker late at night almost every night. I had a friend translate for me, and they really were just talking about work always. But he was extremely kind to her and would say things like "I'll help you if I can. I'm concerned about your health. You need to get some rest". And at this point, he was hardly acknowledging me at all anymore. So it really hurt me that he said it was because he was so exhausted that he couldn't even give me the time of day, but he had plenty of time and energy to talk with this girl almost every night. I never mentioned the other girl, but anytime I would tell him that I was lonely and that all I needed was something like one kiss in the morning and one at night or just a hug or anything, he would get really angry with me and say that I didn't understand how exhausted he was.

I eventually got a cat because I was getting so lonely. And he played with and loved on the cat for hours every night while he did his paperwork. I couldn't believe that I was getting jealous of a cat, but I was. Why couldn't he give me any kind of affection, but he had plenty of affection to give to the cat. I brought it up and he said "Well I want the cat to get along with me. I'm going to be living with it for another couple of weeks, so I want us to get along" And I said "You're with me! How is it that you have plenty of energy for him but "none" for me?". We argued like this several times.

Eventually, less than a week before his internship ended, he disappeared. It was a Saturday, so he wasn't at work. He said he needed to work on a "project" with the other interns. He didn't come back until around midnight. On Sunday, he left for church without saying a word and, never showed up that night, and never texted me to let me know what was going on. The following night, he came back. I was so furious that I didn't even say anything. He eventually said "I was at the office all night". Who knows. Maybe he was. But all I could think about was that co-worker that he talked with regularly. On Tuesday morning, as he was leaving for work, I asked him when his internship officially ended. He told me "it ends on Thursday, but there's an overnight camp for the interns on Wednesday, so that's when I'll be moving out". I didn't believe him at all at the time. I just assumed he was going to be with that co-worker again. Also, I was furious because in Korea, when you've been dating for 100 days, it's a huge deal. It's bigger than an anniversary even. I told him around a month before our "100 days" that since I'm in Korea and I'm dating a Korean guy, I wanted to do something special for that day. He knew that it was the day he said he was moving out. And so I felt like he was also trying to make a statement by "staying the night with his co-worker the night of our 100 days". I'm still not 100% positive on what happened between them, but looking back I don't think he actually cheated. I think he gave her more attention because she understood his situation more. But anyway, so while he was at work that day, I packed all of his things and sent him a message saying "It's obvious that there are other places you'd rather be and other people you'd rather be with. So I'm going to go on ahead and pack up all of your things for you. I suggest you get off work as early as possible so that you can pick up your things and go". He never responded with anything. I waited outside with his things whenever I knew around the time he'd be coming back. When he walked up, he couldn't make eye contact with me at all. He stood there for several seconds and I thought he was going to say something. Eventually all he could say was "Are you sure you got everything". I just said "Yes, I'm sure". When he picked up his things, he was obviously nervous and he dropped one of the bags. Without thinking, I helped him pick it back up. He was already turning away before I ever even fully handed him the bag. He definitely seemed like he felt ashamed about how he had been treating me lately.

Immediately after breaking up with him, I started trying to work on myself a lot. I realized that I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship. I've been trying to improve myself a lot during this time. I've become a lot more independent and not an emotional wreck like I used to be. But I have consistently still missed him. I'm not sure if we're really meant to be together, but I know for a fact that we used to care a lot about each other and that we are extremely compatible. I don't regret what I did because he was being a jerk at the time and I only kicked him out one day before he was planning on leaving anyway. And honestly, I think he was about ready to end the relationship also. However, I also know that I did multiple things wrong in the relationship. I've really wanted to mend it.

I read everywhere about the NC rule, so I lasted 24 days without sending him a thing. When I did contact him for the first time since the break up, it was a short text saying that something I had recently done with a friend reminded me of a really fun time he and I had together and I hope that he's doing well. He never sent any kind of a response and it's been 3 days. I'm not even sure what to think right now. It's so hard for me to believe that he could so easily toss out such a strong relationship like what we had. He was so passionate about me, and then something totally switched. I haven't sent him anything else since. I just don't know what to do. I really want him back, but I'm worried that this is the end. I don't know how to show him that I truly have changed. Honestly, I'm a very different person from who I was. I have grown to be extremely independent. But he doesn't know that. And he has no way to know that if he is ignoring me.

Please give me any advice you can. I'm so sorry that I typed a novel. I just want my boyfriend back. I've tried dating other guys, but it's just made me miss him even more. If it's over, then I can definitely accept that and I know I'll move on. I know I'll be fine on my own. I'm a happy person right now even though he isn't here. But, I would really enjoy him being back in my life. I've just never met anyone who shared so many interests with me. Neither of us drink or smoke. We both grew up in Christian homes. Both of us have lived for a significant amount of time in the exact 2 same places. So we can talk about Korea and the state that we both lived in. We both love green tea, anime (nerdy, yes lol), Japanese culture in general, the same music, learning each other's language and helping each other out on it, honestly we're both pretty lazy lol, etc. We seriously are mirrors of each other. Please, help me get my reflection back. Please let me know why you think he acted the way he did during the internship and most importantly how we can mend this. I don't know what else to do if he won't respond to my message. And I don't want to send him tons of messages and be clingy again, because I know that definitely wouldn't work. So before I do anything else, I really need some advice.

Thank you so, so much for taking the time to read this."

[Britt6333]

And here is the update that I posted underneath. I had received advice that I should at least try to talk with him about it and explain my feelings:


"Just an update. I sent him a message asking him if it's possible for us to meet somewhere so that I could apologize for my mistakes in the relationship. I don't have a phone number, so I use a texting system called Kakaotalk here, which is extremely popular. It's even more popular than texting here. And you can even see if someone has read your messages or not. And you immediately get a notification on your phone when you receive a message, the same as a regular text. Anyway, I sent that message over 12 hours ago, and he still hasn't even read it yet. So, a few hours ago I decided to go on ahead and explain my feelings through text. I really didn't want to do that, but I don't know his Korean address and I don't have a phone number, so there was no other way for me to contact him. I sent that message over 5 hours ago, and he still hasn't read either of them yet. Honestly, I'm almost positive that he deleted the messages before he ever even tried to read them.

In the last message, I told him that this would be the last message I would send him. I told him that I've done a lot of reflecting about myself lately and I apologized for all of the mistakes that I feel like I made on my part and I told him that I really hope he's doing well. I told him that I hope his military service goes well and that I wish him all the luck with the future. I told him that he can do anything he sets his mind to and that he's a very intelligent person. Anyway, I really tried to be as humble as possible. I never mentioned anything that he did wrong. I only apologized on my part. But I also didn't ever ask him to come back to me or anything.

Honestly, I was hoping that he would read it, accept my apology, want to meet up with me, and then maybe we could discuss the possibility of our relationship again. I still want him in my life. I would also be okay if he read it and never responded though. Just as long as I know that he knows that I apologized for everything on my part. Then I can always know that I reached out to him, apologized, and tried to mend it. But I don't think he will ever even read my messages to be honest. So if I notice that he never even reads it, I'm not sure if I should just send it to him in an e-mail or on Facebook for one more attempt for him to at least read it. I'm honestly not sure if we should even be together. But it's very important to me that I'm able to at least apologize to him. We aren't friends on Facebook anymore though, so my message would go to the "others" folder which people usually never check anyway. So if I do send it one more time, I'll probably send it via e-mail.

Anyway, it's a big discouragement right now because I made myself so vulnerable to him in that message and I poured my heart out, and he won't even read it. He at least read my first message to him. But both messages today, he hasn't even read. If he never even reads them, it's going to be a lot more difficult to get past this. It's possible obviously, but very difficult.

I guess what bothers me the most about him not even reading them is that I don't think he has any idea that it's an apology. I feel like if he at least read it, his view of me would change. Even if he didn't want to date me again, at least he'd know that I humbled myself and apologized for my faults. But if he never reads it, then he'll never know. He'll always just remember me as his clingy, emotional ex that never even apologized for her behavior."

I'm not even sure if anyone is able to give me any advice now. The situation seems pretty hopeless at this point. But if anyone has any advice to give, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you.