For everyone: Seeing and contacting exes- Is it ok, inappropriate or totally fine?

[MSNW]

I have a question for everyone about what is considered 'normal' or 'appropriate' in regards to interacting with exes while in a relationship.

I met my bf in April in Texas, he'd been there for 2 years having moved from Oregon where he'd lived for 15 years, and we fell in love fast and I moved with him to Oregon, somewhere I have never been to. We are living together in a house, he had a job waiting when he got here and I have recently found one. He has many friends and exes here, obviously with 15 years here.

The one thing I told him (2 days) before coming here was that I realized he had exes in the city but that I didn't want to be bombarded with them, I didn't really want them coming over for dinner, hanging out with us or him going off with them alone, I didn't want to live in an 'ex-girlfriend world'. He said of course not, he would never do that to me. We agreed that it was ok to have friends of the opposite sex, but I thought that hanging out alone with them was uncalled for and just plain weird, when you are in a committed relationship and he thinks it's actually ok, but agreed to not do it.

So first weekend in town he invites his last girlfriend he had here before moving away, over to his homecoming party. I asked who she was as I saw him texting her and he said oh 'it's just a friend'. She ended up not coming, but I found out a few weeks later who she really was, she was not 'just a friend' but the very last gf he had before moving away from here.

Within days of promising he wouldn't do anything like that he goes and does the very thing he said he wouldn't and lied to hide it.

He also immediately texted another ex and asked to use her as a job reference and said they should get together soon.

I confronted him about both and after squirming with contradicting statements and weak excuses, he conceded he was wrong and wouldn't do it again, but still maintained for the record that he saw nothing wrong with it.

When I asked then if it would be ok if I met a new guy here and had coffee or lunch with him now and then, as a friend, would that be ok?

He refused to answer. I added that this would be someone who I have never slept with, never been with in anyway; since it is somehow ok for him to see exes who he has slept with then I am ok with meeting e new friend right?

He just looked down and wouldn't answer. Of course he wouldn't like that.

Then I grabbed his phone one night to use the map app -as my sorry ass sprint had no signal- to get us home (he was drunk in the passenger seat), I saw that he'd texted one of the exes 2 days prior to ask if she was around and available for lunch. On a day I was working my ass off in order to be able to leave in time to pick him up from work (I take him and pick him up) and that he'd texted me 'oh I've already called a cab'.

I confronted him about this and all I got was 'I can't believe you keep invading my privacy'. I've looked in his phone 2 times since I've known him and found things with just a simple glance at his text messages, that have damaged my ability to trust him 100%. He gets super defensive about his phone, keeps his laptop and iPad locked as well.

So am I just an idiot or is he in the wrong??

[Boisdevie]

I'd move back to Texas if I were you - and leave your BF in Oregon. Sounds like your relationship is not going to work.

[Maple1714]

He's shady. How old are you both? If he is already doing this stuff now and lying about it, more is to come. Why does he want to meet up with all these exes anyway? They're exes for a reason, typically. It is out of line if it makes you feel uncomfortable....doesn't really matter how he personally feels...he needs to compromise and make sure you feel good

Moving half way across the country with someone is a big step. If you want to stay there you should, but maybe move out into your own place and just loosely date him.

[Boisdevie]

Moving half way across the country with someone is a big step.

By my calculation the OP had moved across the country and was living with her BF after just 5 months. Some people might think that just a tad hasty. Others might think of it as a tad stupid.

[VincenzoG91]

He is in the wrong, but he isn't going to change for you. He said what you wanted to hear and then did what he wanted to do. Realistically, all you can expect is more of the same, and possibly some actual cheating. If I were you, I would move back to Texas.

[MSNW]

Thank you for the replies. I'm 38 he's 40. Neither of us has ever moved this fast. It has been perfect and felt right except for this one issue. I feel like I'm trapped in a game of cat and mouse with him now. As long as he doesn't slip up and forget to delete his messages then how will I ever know what he's doing? He says he never wants to be without me and that he will 'prove' to me that I can trust him. How can you prove something that entirely depends on what you do when no one else will find out?
I needed to hear from others that my expectations of a relationship is NORMAL.

[MSNW]

Also, something like this doesn't 'ruin' a relationship, but it sure does burst that bubble of innocence and romance.

[MSNW]

Or does that in itself ruin it?

[basilandthyme]

I don't think it's necessarily right or wrong to keep in contact with exes. I'm going to go with 'personal choice' for that one.

However, what IS wrong is promising minimal contact (I don't see that you asked for zero contact) and then going to do it anyway. If staying in contact with exes was important to him, he should have made it clear to you from the outset so that you could then gauge your compatibility.

[MSNW]

I don't think it's necessarily right or wrong to keep in contact with exes. I'm going to go with 'personal choice' for that one.

However, what IS wrong is promising minimal contact (I don't see that you asked for zero contact) and then going to do it anyway. If staying in contact with exes was important to him, he should have made it clear to you from the outset so that you could then gauge your compatibility.

He's friends with them on Facebook, I said I was fine with that, even though shortly after getting to Oregon he made me delete a guy I only briefly dated, in St. Louis, who was liking some of my posts, even ones of me and my bf together (who's ridiculous I asked?).
The lying about who his ex gf is and trying to meet another one for lunch in secret is the problem, not 'contact'. If I have to delete a guy who lives 2,000 miles away for giving me virtual likes on FB, then how is it ok for him to go have lunch with an ex?

[MSNW]

FYI I wasn't arguing with your personal choice comment, I agree that if two adults feel the same about seeing exes one on one then more power to them. My situation is different because I clearly stated how I felt, exacerbated by the fact that I was moving to an unknown city solely to be with him.

[TheEvilJester]

You know, I do have to say that this is one that is somewhat conditional. However, I have always felt that a general rule of thumb is that you should just not be in normal contact with your exes, particularly when you are in another relationship. To me, it just honestly isn't fair to do to your current significant other. I mean, this is somebody you once loved, and perhaps once thought they could be "the one." Sometimes feelings can get pretty complicated, and you can suddenly get nostalgic, or think back on all the good times while forgetting the bad. Either way, it can have the potential to make your partner worried or feel jealous, and it isn't fair to put somebody in that position. I mean, my question would be why would you want to keep in regular contact with an ex anyway?

So maybe it is just me, but I have to tend to agree with you here. I mean, as I said, it can depend on the specific situation. For example, if they had been friends their whole life, then at one point started dated but that didn't work out, I could see wanting to remain friends. That is one example of where I'd say it is maybe a little different. But, with a typical relationship, as somebody else said above, they are your ex for a reason.

I also agree with what some others have said. Him keeping in touch with exes really isn't even the biggest problem here. The biggest problem is him telling you he would not, and doing it anyway, knowing it bothers you. If he really feels the need to keep in touch with his exes, that is his decision. But just be up-front about it in the first place. If that wasn't okay with you, you could then make the choice as to whether or not you could live with that. But, it sounds like he basically just told you what you wanted to hear, then did what he wanted anyway and hoped he wouldn't get caught.

Now, like in any situation, none of us can really tell you what to do. We can just offer our friendly advice and try to help you think it out. We don't know anything but what you have told us. Could be the guy is a saint other than this one issue. Could be he is the devil in disguise. We don't know. So, in the end, you have to weight the pros and cons and decide if he is worth trying to make it work. And, either way, try to talk to him about it. Make sure you do so when you have calmed down, not right after catching him doing something like this again. You want to discuss it with a level head, not out of anger. This way you can tell him how this makes you feel. Even politely remind him that you brought this up before and he assured you it wouldn't be a problem. If he can't understand that, then maybe he doesn't deserve you. But, that is certainly for you to decide. Good luck. I hope everything works out in a way that makes you happy.

[Hightower]

You have an ex for a reason, and they became an ex for a reason. I never see the need to go out of your way to contact an ex unless there are mutual kids involved. It is a different story if you bump into them at a bar, restaurant, grocery store, etc. That's different. There is nothing wrong with talking to each other then and catching up, if you are civil. But it just complicates things if you continue to communicate with an ex while in a new relationship.

I was always the type who never wanted to look back, but focus on the present and the future. That was my priority, no offense to the old flame, but if it were meant to be it would be.

[MSNW]

Just wanted to say thanks to those who commented.
He's promised not to contact his exes anymore, I'm not 100% certain he won't but I can't do anything unless I find out.
He's just informed me he's going to have lunch with a girl who's 'just a friend' and who he used to work with.
I know they didn't date but I have a gut feeling they've had sex.
I don't even have the energy to fight him this time.
I'm just venting here. He seems to need and crave attention and interaction from females.
It doesn't matter if I was Charlize Theron and Audrey Hepburn combined, I think he just can't resist a females approval and attention.
I know females like this too, I'm always embarrassed for them.

[VincenzoG91]

Now that you understand him, it's time to look in the mirror. Why are you settling for him? You should be able to do better than this.