How to deal with a break up out of the blue?

[r321148]

So the relationship started in around April, I'm 28 and she's 25. We met and things went well. I then had exams so we took a break for a few weeks. We then met up again a couple of time before she had exams. From the start of July, after her exams things progressed and we were going really well. We both admitted we really liked each other and that we made each other happy. In August she went to America for 4 weeks and I really missed her but she messaged me every day that she was away. She said she missed me too. She got back the day before I went away so it was another week before I saw her again. I had an interview on the Tuesday and we arranged to go to spend a day together on the Wednesday (last Wednesday). We had a lovely day together even though I was pretty down about not getting the job I interviewed for.
The Thursday she said I could join her with her friend and her friends 4 young children. I had to decline as I needed to job hunt and I had broken 2 toes so couldn't walk too far anyway.
The Friday I job hunted and she was meant to come over in the evening. I had a bad day of job hunting and then she cancelled coming over as her sister let her down so she was stuck away. I told her not to worry about it and that I understood. She called me and seemed really sorry she couldn't be with me but I reassured her that I don't blame her for things outside her control. We then chatted normally until late into the night before bed.
That evening I did a lot of thinking and decided that due to the lack of jobs there was a reasonable possibility I might have to move home as my money wouldn't last much longer with no job. I thought it was right to tell her this to prepare her so I wouldn't just end up springing it on her so I text her Saturday morning to ask if we could talk.
On Saturday she was really worried that I was going to be annoyed with her due to the previous evening. We talked and decided that if I had to move then due to both of our busy lives (she is in the final year of a nursing degree which is really intense) a long distance relationship wouldn't work as we would barely see each other. She cried at the thought I might have to leave (she says she never cries and I had never seen her cry before).
On Sunday she messaged me to say that she had been doing some thinking and she needed to talk. That evening she came over and said she wanted to end things. I asked why and she said she couldn't give me her full focus because of her studies. She said she felt like she let me down on Friday when she couldn't come over and it was likely to happen again with her being so busy. I said that didn't matter to me and that I don't expect her to do anything other than do the best she could. She said she wouldn't feel right.
I pressed a little and she then said that she feels that maybe she "doesn't like me enough". She said that the fact she wasn't more prepared to try long distance proved that to her. She said that things had felt different when we were together last Wednesday. I was shocked. She then kissed me on the lips and gave me a hug. We talked a bit longer and agreed to try to stay friends. She then left and as she was leaving turned and kissed me on the lips again. I was now confused as well.
The next day I sent her a friendly message to ask if she was ok. Her replies were short and distant. We carried on for Monday and Tuesday having a stretched out text conversation but I now haven't contacted her for 2 days. She text me last night to ask how I was doing but I've not replied as I don't want to tell her that I'm not doing well.
I really don't feel her actions were those of somebody who "doesn't like me enough" (given that things have been so fragmented it is still effectively pretty early days). She messaged me everyday from the other side of the world, she said she missed me, she invited me to spend time with a friend and her friends children 2 days before she ended it and she cried when I said I might be leaving just the day before she broke it off. Those are things I would definitely not do if I "didn't like somebody enough". The kissing me and hugging me were also not the actions of somebody who doesn't like me enough. I'm not sure if she just said that to protect herself (or maybe I'm deluded?!) and I think she is worried about the timing and I understand this, but it is something I am willing to work with. She is worried that she might lose focus and not get good grades on her course, which again I understand but I would never do anything to jeopardise her chances. She feels like she would let me down but surely it is for me to decide when she's "letting me down" and whether I can cope with it or not?
I really want to stay friends with her because at the end of everything I really do enjoy her company. The worry I have is that I really wouldn't be ok if/when she started seeing somebody else. I feel I may be just waiting for her to change her mind, which wouldn't be fair on her or me especially if she really has made her mind up.
I really hope that once things settle down she will be able to have a rethink. Maybe if I can confirm that I am definitely staying it might have an effect? Maybe once she starts with her work she might realise she is actually able to devote a little time to me as well? Again maybe I'm just deluded and this won't happen.
I suffer with depression and I do have a tendency to over-think things and blame myself. I have been really down since Sunday. I've not eaten and have managed only about 4 hours sleep in 4 nights. I haven't mentioned this to her and I am not planning to.
I think it's all of these uncertainties really get to me. I am 28 and my friends are progressing in their careers, getting married and settling down. I have no job, no relationship and an uncertain future. I feel like this would be ok if I was, say, 23 but not when I will be turning 30 at the end of next year. Everyone tells me I need to just focus on myself but that is much easier said than done especially as I don't value myself very highly. I know I need to find a job but I really thought that there was a possibility of a job and a good relationship and now I have neither. To my already fragile confidence losing both prospects in one week has really knocked me back and I am really trying not to fall into the grips of depression again.
Sorry for length but really struggling to understand so have put down everything .
Can anyone offer some advice?

[smackie9]

Life is all different cycles. One ends, then a new one begins. We all have gone though a low point in our lives, but we all come out of it. Finding a job and meeting someone new is inevitable. So instead of focusing on failure, why not just focus on your goals. The trick is to not compare your life to others....it's not a competition. I believe things happen for a reason. Things ended to make way for something bigger and better. So get out and get living life again.

[r321148]

Thanks for the reply. I am feeling pretty low but the depression does sometimes make me feel inadequate and that I must have done something wrong (in both the job hunting and relationships). I am trying not to think this but it's hard for me. I am trying to focus on me but I really miss her and I also have a whole load of confusion in my brain. I really do like her and if there is any possibility of reconciliation I don't want to miss out but for now I am giving myself (and her) space. She has suggested meeting up as friends in 2 weeks once she gets through a busy period, but I will have to see how I am feeling then.
I am so confused as to why she said she didn't like me "enough" because to me that seemed like a lie? was she just protecting herself? I am confused as to why she kissed me when she left. I am confused as to why she won't give it a go. I wonder if friendship is worthwhile; I value her company and I do really hope I can grow to be friends with her but I don't want it to be me just continually waiting for her to reconsider.....

[smackie9]

I know the first while the "what ifs" play over and over in your mind....which is totally nomal. It's just part of the healing process.

Sometimes, people change with their priorities, and feel they need to move on....not out of disliking you, but just a normal change of feelings.....it happens.

Oh well only time will tell in which direction things will go...just best not to keep idle thinking about it. That's why keeping busy is key.

[Valixy]

So you expressed some doubts and fears about the future and the next day she decided to end things with you? I think that she was right when she told you that she didn't love you enough. She obviously doesn't want to fight for this relationship, she is more focused on her career and having fun than offering a bit of support to her partner. She can't even be a bit patient and stay confident that you'll both succeed to work things out. Hopefully this is just immaturity and she will become a stronger person with age, or she would always be a bit too selfish and coward, in my opinion.

You'll find your way and the right person too, someone who'll love you enough to stay positive and stand by you. You're having a bit of a hard time at the moment, everyone has had a few, but you know what they say, the night is the darkest just before the dawn. You need all your energy now, so make sure you have it and you'll be fine, you'll see.

[4 ratties]

I'm sorry you are going through a rough time right now. I think focusing on getting a job should be your number 1 focus. You two should stay friends for now. You have been stressed and depressed about being unemployed. And thts no way to start a relationship. Once u have a job and things settle a bit more, then take her to a nice resteraunt and see if you two can hit it off again. But I think finding a job is the first thing on your list. That will make u feel better overall and in a better position to have a nice relationship

[r321148]

Thank you all for the replies and the support. It is much appreciated.
I'd like to stay friends with her as when all is said and done we connect really well and we enjoy each others company. It didn't end badly and I'd hope I could grow to value her as a friend. My only worry is the fact I'm not sure how I feel. Whether I'd just be staying friends with her in the hope that she will change her mind when things settle down. I hope I can be a stronger person and can accept her friendship. I guess you're both right and time will tell.
The unemployment thing is the big one for me at the moment. I have just finished a second degree after failing to get a job with my first one and I still can't find somebody willing to give me the chance. I know things are tough and the moment and I need to keep trying and just hope for a lucky break. I think it is the dual rejection and if I had work to keep me occupied then my feelings would be the normal hurt that everyone goes through after a break up rather than this extreme reaction.
I agree that maybe her feelings aren't strong enough to jeapardise her future (i think this is probably fair enough as it was still quite early days but the progress and potential were good). She had some problems at home before and her grades really suffered as she lost focus. Her final year of her nursing degree is hard work. She has long placements, long hours and essays to write alongside so I understand where she is coming from about maybe not having time for me at the moment. I guess you're also right valixy and that the fact she was willing to give up so "easily" does show that I am not her priority at the moment. Maybe another time it would have worked or maybe in future it will work but I know I can't just put my life on hold for her or worry about the what ifs. It's easy to say but a lot less easy to do!

[r321148]

I'm still so confused about this. I text her on Sunday just to say "good luck for the new placement" and she still hasn't responded even with a simple "thank you". I haven't text her again. She never said to me in her break up speech that she wanted space and was really pleased that I suggested friendship. She replied to some stuff initially but now it's been over a week since I heard from her (considering we used to speak everyday). Does she need time? Does she actually want friendship at all or was it just a way to make her feel less guilty? Should I even be considering friendship with her?
I went on a date yesterday (a friend suggested it and set me up) and the girl was completely lovely but all it did really was show me that I'm not over this. We had a great laugh and chatted for hours but she just wasn't right. I don't think I will go on anymore dates for a while as I don't think this is fair.
I am sleeping a bit now but keep having the same dreams and waking up really early with the same thoughts swimming in my head. I just wonder what would have happened if I hadn't mentioned that I may have to leave....it was only on the 2nd time I saw her again after not seeing each other for over a month so I think I could have timed it better. Maybe if I'd been able to leave it for a couple of weeks then things would have got back up to where they were before the break for each of our holidays and I'm convinced that then her reaction would have been different.
She said things felt 'different' when we met up. I am not really sure what she was expecting...we hadn't seen each other in a month and were both pretty stressed about things in our own lives (my job hunt and her preparing for her final year). I actually had a lovely day with her and I really felt that she did too. She was smiling and laughing and hugging and kissing me the same as she always did. I'm just so worried I've done something wrong to mess things up that she is not telling me about. She gave me the standard "you're really lovely", "it's nothing you've done wrong", "it's just terrible timing" lines but I can't help but think I could have done more. I don't really want to talk to her about this (not yet at least) as I don't want to push her away but really needed to get it off my chest.
I am keeping busy at the gym and still going with the job hunt as well as trying to spend time with my friends and family but this is still nagging at me, especially at night.

[Valixy]

I agree with you that her behaviour was confusing: having a first great day with you when she returned from holiday but then said that something felt strange, cried the next day when you told her that you might have to move back home if you didn't find work, but decided to finish the relationship herself the following day. I don't know her real circumstances, but she proved to be very detached from the relationship and very little interested in continuing it. This should be the only thing that should matter to you but it's not always that simple, is it?

In my opinion there was nothing you could have done better, I mean you were actively looking for a job and you felt you could trust her with your thoughts on your situation and her understanding was the only possible requirement but I think she failed to show you that because she really wasn't so nice and suitable for you as she seemed to be or you thought she was.

If she doesn't respond to your friendly tone now that you're not together anymore, you should stop contacting her probably. Trust that everything happens for a reason and be sure that you'll become aware of the reason behind all this one day. Most of the times this kind of unexpected changes appear because you need to follow a certain direction in life and this is the only way to make that happen. You might feel a bit lost right now but you will find your way. Just have a bit of patience and don't lose your faith.

[r321148]

Thank you. Your words really help and you're completely right that I need to leave it to her to contact me now if she wants to (it helps me to post here rather than contact her). I want to respect her wishes and if I don't make her happy then it does hurt but I do want what's best for her. It isn't easy though....
I had 2 previous long term relationships. One of 2.5 years (I ended it) and one of 6 years (she ended it). I never had any desire to contact either of them after we broke up despite the fact I really loved both. I guess it could be the whole closure thing. Those relationships were both clearly at the end (strained, arguments and loss of closeness) and whilst I'd never say they didn't really hurt, they did feel over.
This one feels like it was just beginning and had so much left to offer if it was just given the chance (especially as we got on so well and were so happy around each other even right up to the very end) and that's maybe why I have no idea how to deal with it.

[Valixy]

This ''easy'' break up wouldn't have happened if you both had perceived the relationship in a similar way and seen the same potential for it, or if you both had been investing emotionally more or less the same, but she wasn't so close to or so deep in the relationship as you were. It happens. You should try to accept things and detach too.

I think that once that you'll renounce to this battle, you'll be able to concentrate better on what really counts in your life, find your peace of mind, enjoy your life on your own as it comes and remember how to make yourself happy again.