ok, so this is pretty complicated...

[few]

I feel like I owe you guys a little backstory - to just blurt out everything would be confusing..

I met my wife almost three years ago, I was busking on the street and we got talking.. we started dating and since she's australian her visa was going to run out in 2 years - so, after falling in love we got married... I don't really consider this a 'real' marriage, as if there were no visa issues there's no way we would be married, but still - we're in love, happy etc...

So, what's my problem?

Josh is my problem. Her ex, although she doesn't say he's her ex - she was part of a polyamourous relationship before she came here, her, another girl and a josh. josh and girl now have a child together and are all but married. I've never been keen on this guy, I don't know why, I just haven't. Now, they are still very much in love, last year when she was travelling in India he posted to her public facebook wall 'i miss the smell and the taste of you' which of course I read, and then, a little drunk confronted her about - which she reacted badly to... 'you don't understand, its not like that' etc etc... this may well be why i don't like him..

so now, we're going back to australia to meet everyone. She asks if i want to meet josh 'well not if he's going to be really inappropriate and kissing you and stuff, no' i say 'well maybe we shouldnt go see josh' she says in reply.. it struck me that if i wasnt there, things would be resuming as normal, and they'd be 'entwined' so to speak.. which makes me feel sick to my stomach, i had a nice little panic attack about it today... it's not been stated that this WILL happen, but it's been heavily implied. But that's not all. She's also asked me who i want to sleep with.. and i'll admit, there's a few people...but there's this nagging feeling that all that is, is trying to get me to admit that i want other people, so she can go rekindle what she had with her ex when we go back... there's also another ex, who she told me 'refuses to see her while shes still with me' and that makes me think that if they did meet, there would be no question of them having sex... i said 'well that's cheating' and she says 'its not cheating' well in my head - IT IS. I'm coming off as the prude here, and im not - i'm experimental, i'm down with partner swapping, threesomes - i could even consider bringing a boy into the bedroom... but asking a monogamous guy, to just accept her going back to her past loves because she 'loves everyone' is surely not acceptable?? right????

[Idainaru]

OMG....

Do me a favor...read your post slowly and carefully and tell us, do you really need our answer? Dump her before you make her a baby and stuck with her...

[few]

OMG....

Do me a favor...read your post slowly and carefully and tell us, do you really need our answer? Dump her before you make her a baby and stuck with her...

i read my post, a few times before i posted it..

you have to take into account the kind of person she is... she's a loving carefree wonderful person, there is no malice in anything she's doing, it's just her...and we definitely don't want kids! so thats that hurdle out the way.... i don't know, i understand it when it comes out of her mouth, but on closer inspection, when i think about if i asked that of any regular person, i know the answer would be '**** off!' she told me i could hook up with any of my ex's - but i dont want to, they're my ex's!! i think it comes down to the fact that she left aus with a lot of strong relationships intact, and the love never died, and from the standpoint of a free love hippy (which she is) they are just re-connected when she returns, the fact that she's married has little to do with it... add to that the fact that she was polyamorous at the time, doesn't put me out of the picture, it just adds me to it... i'm half and half, one half is like 'awesome, i can **** who i like' i'm a musician, i go on tour and have been amazingly good at not sleeping with other people, i have got out of any situation which might lead to cheating, but given the go ahead i could laid all the time.. but on the other hand, i dont think i could look at her the same way knowing that she'd gone travelling, got to know a guy, spent all her time with him and slept with him.. there's a huge difference between a guy doing it and a girl doing it... guys there's no emotional attachment, we may as well have a wank... girls, at least her - shes travelling for 3 months after we get back from aus - thats plenty of times to essentially fall in love and have a whole new relationship, then come back like nothing ever happened...

[BackUpOrGetStng]

What's the complicated part?

[Wakeup]

there's a huge difference between a guy doing it and a girl doing it...

... lolzzz ...

[few]

What's the complicated part?

you're right. this is completely normal and me coming to a relationship advice forum is totally unfounded.

and to mr or mrs lolzzzz - yeah I can see where you're coming from, but i'm kind of right.. and besides, the point is, i would happily NOT do any of that, and she it seems would not be able NOT to...

[BackUpOrGetStng]

the point is, i would happily NOT do any of that, and she it seems would not be able NOT to...

So, what's the complicated part?

[few]

So, what's the complicated part?

the complicated part is that we're in love, and that aside from this, this our only problem! also the fact that this is just speculation, nothing has been solidly confirmed. based on what she's said, i'm assuming this is how she feels, she hasn't said 'i am going to sleep with my ex, you have to be ok with this' it's just been implied that she'd like this to be the case. she's totally in love me, if i said i don't want you to do this, then i'm very confident that she wouldn't do it. it's the fact that i feel conflicted about it that is making it confusing... we could happily go back to aus and not see him, but what kind of guy would i be if i said i didnt want her to see someone she loves? you're oversimplifying it... or i'm not explaining it very well... i see it as something that's understandable... i disagree with it, but i still it from her perspective. i'm just looking for some help in either growing to accept it, seeing a way for us to both get what we want or amiably coming to a mutual, agreeable conclusion. again, this isn't something that she's put her foot down about - it's something that she's casually mentioned and i've taken to this conclusion myself...

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Your girlfriend wants to **** another dude...she's not in love with you. Make that multiple other dudes. One thing for certain is that she doesn't have eyes for only you. You're too attached to handle anything but a monogamous relationship with her. Divorce her. It's not complicated, you're just being a bitch about the whole thing. It's pathetic.

Again, I can't stress how much of a bitch you're being. Just divorce her. She married you for the visa, she got it, now you're useless.

If you can't find the balls to end it(let's face it, you can't), start by taking a baby step and tell her unilaterally there will be no visiting anyone she has ****ed while you're on vacation, or she can just go back and stay there.

[Wakeup]

but asking a monogamous guy, to just accept her going back to her past loves because she 'loves everyone' is surely not acceptable?? right????

As a monogamous guy, asking a non-monogamous woman who needs a visa and wouldn't be with you if she didn't, to marry you is very not acceptable. Why would you do such a codependent, desperate thing to yourself?

If you are so afraid to leave this quagmire, then why don't you do some heavy reasearch on polyamory, "compersion" in particular and learn to live with this without the angst. You can put all that jealousy and fear energy into the sex you have for the woman you love. If you can't adjust, then your confidence, self-respect, self worth will be whittled away one incident at a time with this chick.

[Wakeup]

First you should actually ask her what she does want because you not knowing and just surmising is ridiculously unproductive to your own piece of mind. Then after you actually know what she wants... then come back and we'all can help you dissect it.

In the meantime, here's something for you to read:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/COMPERSION.pdf

[Valixy]

Why do you do this to yourself? Her concept of love is so different of yours that you are incompatible. Is all this strain on your system worth it?

[few]

Your girlfriend wants to **** another dude...she's not in love with you. Make that multiple other dudes. One thing for certain is that she doesn't have eyes for only you. You're too attached to handle anything but a monogamous relationship with her. Divorce her. It's not complicated, you're just being a bitch about the whole thing. It's pathetic.

Again, I can't stress how much of a bitch you're being. Just divorce her. She married you for the visa, she got it, now you're useless.

If you can't find the balls to end it(let's face it, you can't), start by taking a baby step and tell her unilaterally there will be no visiting anyone she has ****ed while you're on vacation, or she can just go back and stay there.

wow.

first off, she didn't marry me for a visa - she didn't want to stay, we'd arranged for her to go after two years, but it was too painful and the only thing we could do to extend the relationship was to get married or move to australia. You can't imagine how wrong you are!! I'm keeping her here, she misses her family like crazy and she's staying here, for me. So please don't assume things like that. When people think about visas and relationships they assume its some kind of scam.. it isn't, WE decided to do this because we wanted to stay together...

Second, yes we do have different ideas of love, but she isn't for a second suggesting she'd cheat on me - i'm simply trying to come to some sort of understanding, and to be honest you lot aren't being very helpful. You're just insulting me, my relationship and my wife! we've been together almost three years and i'm not just going to throw in the towel because there's a spanner in the works... she sent me this today -

"You & I both know the type of person I am. I want to be able to do what I want. I want to be free. I want to have a relationship where you and I both feel comfortable to share each other with other people. Because we love each other, and are secure with each other. Without jealousy. Jealousy will be the end of us. But darlin, besides all that, as monogomous as you are, I love you more than anything and anyone. I love you and want to be with YOU! It completely goes against everything that I believe in but I don't care!"

That makes sense to me, loving and trusting each other enough to be able to explore...but it's something i have no experience of, and don't know whether or not i could handle.. I came here looking for some advice. Not just 'dump her' thats ridiculous.. I'm trying to approach this thing with an open mind..this is the love ADVICE forum right? not the jumping-the-gun-and-insulting-newbies forum?

[HeartIsAching]

you're right. this is completely normal and me coming to a relationship advice forum is totally unfounded.

and to mr or mrs lolzzzz - yeah I can see where you're coming from, but i'm kind of right.. and besides, the point is, i would happily NOT do any of that, and she it seems would not be able NOT to...

He didn't say it was normal, he just pointed out that it's not complicated, and it truly isn't. You're not polyamorous and she is. You've got a simple choice to make: Can you live with it? If yes, then do so. If not, then don't.

LOLS... no you're not.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Okay, then let her **** everyone she wants to, and don't be jealous. That is what she's asking for. Let her go **** Josh, and the other chick, and the other dude. It's not cheating because you're open minded and okay with it now. There's no doubt she wants to be with you, she just wants to be with other people too. That's all her message says.

The fact you think it's a minor hurdle is just funny.