Very big problem. Woman who is the one or kids

[Jonny5665]

Hi all

Basically I was with my ex for 3 years, she has 2 kids from 2 previous relationships (both were not planned), we split up in January basically because of the fact that i wanted kids and she is adamant that she doesnt want anymore (she is 35, im 27) Also because she was acting a bit of a prat and not showing me love and doing silly things, which she later admitted was because she knew she didn't want any more kids and was trying to push me away.
Anyway, we have stayed friends since and both of our lives seem to have gone down hill, she has had a lot of stress and things, and has admitted she misses the way things were between us and that i was the best thing to happen in her life, I was her rock etc. Now i still love her so much and ever since splitting up have thought something is missing and I havnt really been the same or happy, always thinking about the little things we did, I even miss going food shopping with her!
Her little boy idolises me (even though his father is still around, but isnt a proper father to him), and has told me and her recently that all he wants for xmas is me to come back
Last month or 2 we have had a few conversations about things and agreed if it wasnt for this kid thing we would be together as we both make each other happy. She is still adamant that she doesnt want any more kids but I have started thinking to myself, is it worth losing the woman who i believe to be the one for children?
I have said this to her and she said she doesnt want me losing my chance to have children to be with her, but we have both decided that we need some time to think about things and see if we could both live with the other decision.

So basically my dilema is, do i go back with her knowing she doesnt want any more kids, or do i lose her and possibly never meet anyone like her again and maybe have kids.
My head is so confused and stressed at the moment thinking about everything, anyone got any advice for me? or their opinions on what they would do?

Thanks

[Valixy]

I don't think that you could know for sure if your life without having your own children could be totally happy even if you were less stressed than you are right now. You could go back with her and find yourself totally enjoying the relationship as it is or realising that in spite the fact that you had both talked about it and agreed on not having other kids, deep down you still long to have them. My advise would be to be honest with each other, avoid making big promises and just be open to accept what each of you might feel in time about this matter. None of you is right or wrong nor you have absolute control over such deep feelings like this one. If you go back together I think that you should both see it as an attempt for another relationship. And no, she is not the only woman you could have a happy relationship with.

[paradiseruby]

Glad you're not pressuring her to have kids, that is awesome! And there are plenty of women that could have your children, but wil they ever be her? No. Could you find another and fall in love again? Yes, after a long deep search. Could you be the best stepfather, better then the bio dad, absolutely, and it could be just as rewarding and even more so, you won't have long sleepless nights for the first 3 months!

[Jonny5665]

Thanks for both of your replies. much appreciated.

I know that she isn't the only woman i could have a good relationship with and have kids with, but its just different with her. I have been out on dates during the 9 months we split up but i'm just distant and not really interested and keep thinking about what me and her did together, or what we would be doing on a saturday afternoon! I think she just has "it" i don't know what that it is, but she has it.

I have never split up with a long term girlfriend before, so i suspect this is probably how most people feel (or worse) but I just cant helping the feeling that i wont meet anyone like her again. I keep going back and forth on the decisions in my head, could I really bare not having kids with her in a few years down the line? or will i totally except it and be happy with my decision? The answer is I dont know.

Ideally we would have such a wonderful relationship and she would change her mind, but i obviously cant think like that and if I go back have to totally forget the idea of having children.

[4 ratties]

Having your own child is such a blessing. If this woman is worth you not having your own, then be with her. Your still young. Who knows you could get married, then something goes wrong 8 years from now and your 35 yrs old and could find soemone else that wants kids. You have many years to come to get a woman pregnant. Just be with who you want now, you never know what could happen.

[Jonny5665]

Having your own child is such a blessing. If this woman is worth you not having your own, then be with her. Your still young. Who knows you could get married, then something goes wrong 8 years from now and your 35 yrs old and could find soemone else that wants kids. You have many years to come to get a woman pregnant. Just be with who you want now, you never know what could happen.

That is true, nobody can predict the future, things got totally change. I mean its not totally out of the realms of possibility that she might change her mind and want another 1 if the relationship is without the pressure of wanting kids.

[HeartIsAching]

I think you should walk away. You've discovered that children are a boundary issue for *both* of you, and you're on opposite sides of the boundary. If either one of you complies with the other on this, you will eventually start to resent the other. Resentment kills relationships; a slow, horribly agonizing death. Sad but almost certainly true.

[TablesandChairs]

Perhaps she simply doesn't want to risk being a single mother to 3 children - being a sole parent is difficult; it drains time, energy and money. Ask her if you were to get married and step up the commitment, she might change her mind.

[Jonny5665]

Perhaps she simply doesn't want to risk being a single mother to 3 children - being a sole parent is difficult; it drains time, energy and money. Ask her if you were to get married and step up the commitment, she might change her mind.

To be honest she said she is scared, and is scared when something good comes along. She told me saturday that she knows her life with me will be amazing and she cant accept when something good happens.
She has said before that she couldn't do it all again and possibly be a single mum to 3 kids.

To be honest I would marry her in the future, and maybe something like that is what it might take for her to realise that im there to stay and ease her worry.

[4 ratties]

I'm curious on why your post is titled "very big problem. Woman who's the one or kids"
You ignore and don't want to hear any advice that mentions leaving your woman. So it's really not the woman OR the kids. You want the woman period. So there's no "or" about it. And it's not a big problem cuz problems need solutions, and you don't want to do anyrhing. You want to stay with her and wait and see if she will want a kid or not.

[Jonny5665]

I'm curious on why your post is titled "very big problem. Woman who's the one or kids"
You ignore and don't want to hear any advice that mentions leaving your woman. So it's really not the woman OR the kids. You want the woman period. So there's no "or" about it. And it's not a big problem cuz problems need solutions, and you don't want to do anyrhing. You want to stay with her and wait and see if she will want a kid or not.

Your probably right there. I am taking on board all advice and am hearing it that is why im still going back and fore in my head of what to do. I only thought about having kids when I was with her, and maybe I just really want kids with HER.