Confused, what should i do?

[tiffanysb]

First off, I am writing because I really need help with my current situation. I don't want to be criticized or called a "sick freak" for what I have done. I am not proud of it and if there was anyway to go back in the past to change it, I would. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years and four months. She is 22, and I am 20. For about a year, we were great, in love and felt like nothing could change that. After about a year (June of 2012), she told me that her dad was kicking her out of the house and she had no where to go. Me caring so much, I told her I would help her with rent whenever she decides to move out; however I could not move in with her because I needed my parents support with college and paying my insurance. Fast forward four months and she slipped up. Long story short, she lied to me about being kicked out of the house by her dad, rather she willingly wanted to move out, and her dad was actually trying to convince her to stay. I felt like she was just using me, but i decided to let things go and just stop helping her out with rent. At this point i had given her nearly 1500 dollars which is a lot for a 19 year old college student. Ever since this incident occurred, things were never the same. I could never express my love to her as i used to when we first started going out. I don't know if this is the direct reason for it but I can surely say that this had some sort of impact on it. In September of 2012, my ex-girlfriend contacted me telling me that her mother just had a baby girl and wanted me to come see her. We were still friends at the time but did not talk much so i decided to go. After catching up, we started to get close, and we ended up kissing. Before things could go any further, i removed myself from the situation. I remember walking home, feeling so guilty but knew i could not tell my girlfriend about what just happened. The reason I could not tell her was because sometimes she gets suicidal on me. If we were fight or talk about breaking up, she says that she is going to hurt herself, and I am scared she will actually do it because she has gotten close to it before we even met. Things kept rolling after that but everything was so boring in our relationship. All it was was work and school, no fun or anything like that. Towards the end of that school semester, this girl attempted to talk to me. I gave her my number and we started exchanging text messages. She told me she wants to go to the movies with me and before i agreed i made sure she knew that I had a girlfriend. She said it was fine, we could be just friends. I went along with it and a couple days later I found myself in her room making out with her. At this point I felt a little numb to the situation because I did it once, so what does a second time mean right? Wrong. This was just one more mistake to my long list. Again, about five months later, another girl approached me and we started talking. She had a boyfriend too so the farthest we got was a little bit of cuddling but then we called it quits because things would just not work. After this, I paid two girls on two separate occasions to have sex with me. This is where that long list of mistakes ends. My girlfriend was the one who took my virginity, however I was the fourth guy that she had been with. Sure the past is not supposed to matter but it bothered me a lot. I don't know why I did this but after every fight we had I would feel lonely and always thought our relationship is not going to last so might as well have some fun now. Now, about four months after all this happened I have not gotten close to any other girl and I really want this relationship to work. After thinking hard I realized that I want to be with this girl, but is this a possibility? Is it possible for me to lock this all up inside my head and pretend like it never happened? Will this guilty feeling ever go away? Every time we are having a good time together, those thoughts pop back into my head and just ruins the moment for me. My girlfriend always asks me why i don't show her love and affection like i used to but i cant bare to tell her the truth because it would break her heart. Should i just break up with her and try my best to move on and learn from my mistake? Again, please dont judge me or criticize me. Everyone makes their fair share of mistakes and this is by far the worst set of mistakes i have made in my life. Can someone explain why I did this? And how I should deal with this situation? Sorry for the rambling. Thanks.

[Cerby]

I don't know why you did it, but you should definitely break up with your current girlfriend. You both have issues, best to end it before it goes on any longer.

[TablesandChairs]

Why did you do it? A few options...a) you felt resentful that she lied about her housing situation and extorted money out of you under false pretenses. Like you said, 1500 is a lot for a student. b) you immaturely got fixated on how many sexual partners she had versus how many sexual partners you had - there's a difference between what happened between her and other people in the past (before you even met) and you actively cheating on her in the present - and with prostitutes of all people.

Then - the suicidal thing. This girl needs help, it is not normal to threaten to hurt yourself/kill yourself when something goes wrong. What help is she getting? Therapy? Meds? She should be regularly seeing a professional.

Lastly, you both need to fix yourselves, big time, or this won't work, regardless.

[4 ratties]

Omg break up with her now. Just be single so u can continue making out with everybody and illegal prostitution without hurting anybody but your pride.

[tiffanysb]

Why did you do it? A few options...a) you felt resentful that she lied about her housing situation and extorted money out of you under false pretenses. Like you said, 1500 is a lot for a student. b) you immaturely got fixated on how many sexual partners she had versus how many sexual partners you had - there's a difference between what happened between her and other people in the past (before you even met) and you actively cheating on her in the present - and with prostitutes of all people.

Then - the suicidal thing. This girl needs help, it is not normal to threaten to hurt yourself/kill yourself when something goes wrong. What help is she getting? Therapy? Meds? She should be regularly seeing a professional.

Lastly, you both need to fix yourselves, big time, or this won't work, regardless.

So your saying this relationship is fixable? She is always questioning me about why i do not show her the same love that i did when we first started our relationship. I mean i feel like relationships are never as good as they were for the first six months but another reason i dont show her that same love is because of the guilt i feel. Is there anyway to put this behind me and maintain a stable relationship with her? I know its mainly up to me but in your opinion is it do-able?