Help me find the right words, please.

[namemyname]

The thing is, that abusive behavior and apologies fall flat for most healthy people. Emotional/verbal abuse is just as lethal as physical, so you can't think that you can rip someone apart, and then cop a "I had a shit childhood, so I'm sorry", and it's going to be accepted. Particularly if this behavior repeats.

Also, some people come from their own abusive backgrounds, and have their own boundaries that excludes the kind of abuse you shell out.

Honestly, if someone where verbally abusive, I'd be done. I dated a guy earlier this year who was ENTIRELY emotionally abusive in that he would ice me out as soon as we talked about something he didn't like. He didn't last, either.

You need to curb the outbursts. Period.

[joanna1]

You say that he's forgiven your outbursts before but this month has been worse than usual. What this indicates is that he's accepted your apology before and believed that you wouldn't do it again. And then you have done it again.

Because of the history you share, he's learned that you apologise but that you don't change. If this was your first outburst, he may be much more inclined to believe you - but his trust in your behaviour has been breached so many times that he simply doesn't trust you anymore.

And he's absolutely right when it comes to not giving you advice in dealing with the problem. If you're serious about fixing it, you'll take the initiative to find the appropriate help yourself.

Yes, over the course of our relationship. But I am not calling him dirty names and swearing at him ( other than shut up, go to hell, or f*ck this comments), it is that he doesn't like I take an attitude and I judge or when I say something back if upset I am blunt and rude. I don't go, " You f*cking asshole shut the f*ck up" that isn't how I talk to him or others, my verbal abuse is not that type. The type of verbal abuse I got growing up was like this" I wish you were dead, or never born" " you make me sick, I hate you" " you are worthless" " If I had a gun I'd kill you" " No one will ever love you" " I hope when you marry your husband beats you" " You are stupid" that is what I heard growing up. He knows this and knows I don't want to be like my mom in that manner. But it has gotten worse, I admit. I have said I am sorry and a week or so later same outburst over something else we are discussing. As soon as I feel unloved by him, or not considered, I feel upset. It's true, that is probably exactly what he thinks and feels " here she goes again with the meaningless sorrys, if she meant it she wouldn't do it in the first place" I can see him thinking that way and losing trust in me. I went to my family doctor today, and we discussed if I am bi polar and what medications would be best for me to try.
Thank you.

[joanna1]

Just putting this out there to you from a guys PoV-- but could he be putting you aside now and not giving another shot at forgiveness because there was someone in the wings that was chattin' him up, maybe he was confiding in at work, IDK about you and how you talk to him and some emotional affair began and she convinced him not to give you another shot and move on with her.
If he loves you, he'd hear you out, if there is another chick whispering in his ear, don't talk to her, more chances he wouldn't.
Just sayin'.

You'd think everything you are trying to tell him would hold some weight to him if he loves you, right, and if you aren't being verbally abusive and reasonable, why suddenly ignore you now?
Think on it, because you might be trying and crying over someone right now who is hiding another person from you and that is his reason to give up, because he already moved on. Have a face to face chat, no emails, no phones and settle it.

I felt a similar feeling after the two days and didn't respond to all my VMs or long emails. I wondered what if that was why. I know he wouldn't break up unless he had a back up to step in. He said that in the past about some of his past relationships when we first got together and discussed our pasts. So it did cross my mind, but I didn't dwell on it because if I brought it up he's say I was blaming him for my actions and using another woman as an excuse why he was fed up, and not my own actions. If it was it would be a fellow co worker because his office area and branches are 70% female to male staffed.

No, I am being calm and reflective and trying to help heal us, I haven't sent any more I love you to him lately. Dealing with things regarding me, I put all my self and heart out there for him to see and read. I might go over Friday for a chat. Thank you.

[joanna1]

The thing is, that abusive behavior and apologies fall flat for most healthy people. Emotional/verbal abuse is just as lethal as physical, so you can't think that you can rip someone apart, and then cop a "I had a shit childhood, so I'm sorry", and it's going to be accepted. Particularly if this behavior repeats.

Also, some people come from their own abusive backgrounds, and have their own boundaries that excludes the kind of abuse you shell out.

Honestly, if someone where verbally abusive, I'd be done. I dated a guy earlier this year who was ENTIRELY emotionally abusive in that he would ice me out as soon as we talked about something he didn't like. He didn't last, either.

You need to curb the outbursts. Period.

I said in a previous reply to another forum member, my boyfriend has never encountered any form of abuse in his past life, or childhood. I would have loved to grown up the way he did. I'm sure he has had some nasty crazy ex's who say things upon a break up that would be verbally abusive but that would have been it and he also can say things like name calling that isn't nice back. But he says his is reactions or frustrations to me, but still never says sorry if he calls me a cow, or bitch, or idiot, or fool and so on. He logic is, "if you don't want shit , don't start shit". I always apologize when I catch myself saying something not nice, but then too late I've already said it. I don't just cop about my childhood, I actually tell him, what you said hurt me or made me feel _______ and try to get him see what was said triggered it. I am sensitive to what he says and does and that is my problem and I then come back attacking him. It is like I can't just chill and be happy. I am not proud of how I am, I want to be happier too. I am trying to help myself, he isn't interested right now. For several reasons. Hopefully we can have a nice peaceful stress free talk this Friday and find some common resolution to this.
We still haven't broke up, he called for a undetermined break. Basically meaning " I am tired of your shit! "
Thank you.

[toknow]

The best apology for you would be not to do it again.

[basilandthyme]

But I am not calling him dirty names and swearing at him ( other than shut up, go to hell, or f*ck this comments)

I find the latter examples of your speech also unacceptable. I'd dump a person who said those things to me too.

The type of verbal abuse I got growing up was like this" I wish you were dead, or never born" " you make me sick, I hate you" " you are worthless" " If I had a gun I'd kill you" " No one will ever love you" " I hope when you marry your husband beats you" " You are stupid" that is what I heard growing up. He knows this and knows I don't want to be like my mom in that manner.

Part of you getting past all this is to STOP referring to your childhood. Yes, you may have seen this growing up - but now that you're an adult, you have the ability to choose your own behaviour. Referring back to the past sounds a bit like you're blaming your current behaviour on your past. Now that you're grown up, the buck stops with you.

I went to my family doctor today, and we discussed if I am bi polar and what medications would be best for me to try.

If you are suspecting some type of mental illness, get a referral to a psychiatrist.

[basilandthyme]

[he] never says sorry if he calls me a cow, or bitch, or idiot, or fool and so on. He logic is, "if you don't want shit , don't start shit". I always apologize when I catch myself saying something not nice, but then too late I've already said it.

Your boyfriend sounds dysfunctional too.

When faced with your verbal abuse, a mature person will firmly tell you that your behaviour is unacceptable and that you must leave. Or, if it's not at their home, they will simply walk out on you. The fact that he verbally abuses you in return tells me that he's also got a heap of issues.

I'm glad you're getting help for yourself. But please think twice before returning to a man who's behaviour is hypocritical.

[Valixy]

Joanna, good for you for becoming aware of some problems you have and trying to change. I don't think that you are using your childhood as an excuse and I don't think it's so easy as saying stop to those learnt habits and they will. It will take you some time definitely, but you'll get there. We all do eventually, and believe me, we all have things that we need or needed to overcome in life and some time to become aware of them was or still is necessary. The same way we've all had relationships that failed because of our personalities, or relationships in which we stayed even when we should have left. Truth is that it was only by making those mistakes that we have learnt better.

What I am trying to say is that there is nothing unusual about you. You have some habits from your childhood that upset you and upset your relationship, and maybe some doubts about your partner. So are millions of other men and women or so they were before they've learnt better. The important thing is what you do from here and keeping yourself on the right track. It is not going to be an easy journey, it never is for anyone, but it's so much worth taking it. Good luck.

[searock]

He said my childhood is only an excuse I am using for my current behaviors. [...] He thinks how I feel isn't as important as how I am making him feel right now. [...] he dismissing every word I say, or speak.

Why are you even bothering with a guy that treats you like this? It seems to me you are seeking in this guy the same sort of treatment that your mother and sister gave you when you were a kid. Recognize it and break the cycle.

[Exeter19]

Joanna, good for you for becoming aware of some problems you have and trying to change. I don't think that you are using your childhood as an excuse and I don't think it's so easy as saying stop to those learnt habits and they will. It will take you some time definitely, but you'll get there. We all do eventually, and believe me, we all have things that we need or needed to overcome in life and some time to become aware of them was or still is necessary. The same way we've all had relationships that failed because of our personalities, or relationships in which we stayed even when we should have left. Truth is that it was only by making those mistakes that we have learnt better.

What I am trying to say is that there is nothing unusual about you. You have some habits from your childhood that upset you and upset your relationship, and maybe some doubts about your partner. So are millions of other men and women or so they were before they've learnt better. The important thing is what you do from here and keeping yourself on the right track. It is not going to be an easy journey, it never is for anyone, but it's so much worth taking it. Good luck.

wanted to comment beyond hitting a thanks on this post, you are probably one of the kindest people i have seen on any internet site i've been on. you have a great deal of empathy for others, wanted to let you know that. not only in this posters thread but have read other replies off you that takes care to how the poster feels as well. i am suspect at ones who cannot give constructive criticism or show empathy to a strangers plight, it says a lot, imho.

[Exeter19]

He is forgiving, but reached his limitations with my behavior Been a stressful last month for me and I used him as my sounding board and was too much for him basically because he is my safe place, and thought he could handle things with me, I took him for granted. I feel looking on it now very selfish. I told him sorry, in person, on the phone and in emails. No, he had a ideal childhood compared to me, and never had any exes verbally abuse him.

I offered to take medications again, he never asked, that would be in his opinion my decision not his. He did love me, now I don't know. I feel I pushed him too far and he doesn't want the random burst of drama from me, he said one day all is happy, next an attack for no real reason.

I told him all that and much more, a long phone chat, long in person talk until he walked off, and many long mails. He doesn't want to hear it he wants limited contact now, it's apparent.
Thank you.

off new info you posted, i agree with basil and searock that your boyfriend is not an innocent party in this, if he calls you names too. no excuse, if he thinks your childhood is an excuse and tells you so, then how is him saying you are the blame for why he does any different of an excuse, he is older than you by 5 years you said, he should lead by example. maybe you both need a break, time apart to heal and regroup. i think a talk would be in order and then air it out and take a break and see your doctors for you, and only you. good luck.

[Valixy]

Thx Exeter. I also enjoy reading your posts.

[joanna1]

Thank you for the follow up replies since my absence. I agree with Exeter19's comment to Valixy. I appreciate the gentleness in which you addressed me as well.

To update: Went and got medications, one is a mood stabilizer, the other is an anti depressant. And both these drugs are going hand in hand with a weekly talk therapy. It is a lot for me to adjust to, but like I was told when getting my medications, do this for myself, for no one else as also mentioned by others in this thread. I am no longer in my relationship, I need to focus on me right now. As I have limited contact with my mother and sister I have also limited the conflict based relationship with my ex boyfriend to occasional polite hellos.

Many thanks. xx

[Valixy]

I hope it all goes well for you, Joanna. You have proved a lot of strength and courage in taking these important decisions and can be very proud of yourself. Good luck with everyhing!