Desperate and needing advice

[brokenman]

I have been going out with my GF for a year and 99% of the time it is perfect but we we had a HUGE row where my insecurities came out.

She left that night to go back to her mums which was last Friday. We have spoke and she used words like confused etc and heart not in it but did say she cared and loved me. I was a mess calling her crying etc. I am seeking counselling for my issues and told her so that I have appointment next week. Worse is we work together but could not face going in so stayed at home and work being good about it. At times she is cold and she does not answer messages but then at times she does with a "x". Yesterday we met up and i was strong and we chatted normally with no drama and shared a brief kiss and a cuddle but since then she has reverted to being cold. I am so confused as dont know if we are together or not and that indecision is killing me so masking the hurt from her.

I text today and emailed and nothing and it was again just normal stuff and not pushing for answers like i may have done weekend but dont know if me being about was good and she was just responding as she did not want to hurt me more and almost out of pity

so was advised to give her space and told her i would but now i have no contact at all and i am a mess. She simply emailed me thanking me for allowing her space and she would be in touch

what should i do as feel the advice others are giving her is to leave me and she is scared to actually say that for fear of hurting me more

I dont know if she is just hoping i will disappear or she is genuinely confused. Worse fear is that her head has been turned by someone else but pushing that though out of my mind

I am breaking down as surrounded by her stuff in the flat and feel as low as i have ever felt

Any help or advice would be good - Can you really have No contact and time out and all can be well or am i doing wrong

[Valixy]

If your evaluation is correct and things were perfect 99% for both of you, an argument or a moment of insecurity couldn't easily ruin your relationship permanently. Were your insecurities totally unfounded or they were provoked by her attitude, lack of love, contradictory behaviour in time?

[brokenman]

we were so happy but i have issues of insecurity where work colleagues are concerned as had two previous relationships were they went off with work colleagues. I am not a jealous person and never judge when she is out with friends etc or even when ex called her out of the blue and she was actually honest about it. We were out with work and she was chatting to one guy for a long time and i lost it accusing her when clearly drink became involved and i do trust her and my own insecurities. we have had 2 smaller incidents before around same subject. I just dont know how to get her back and laid my heart out for her. As said why see me yesterday have a great time and then kiss and today want more space. Am i reading too much and should i leave her be as i just want to do the best that gets her back to me as we are perfect together and only 2 weeks ago talking about marriage again

[Valixy]

You admitted you made a mistake, apologised and let her know that you're going to start counselling next week. These are all the correct steps and counselling will help you a lot to see everything more clearly. Many people succeed to appreciate when their partner faces a crises in such a constructive way like you're doing and they start missing each other and give it another chance.

When you're doing everything you can to make things better, there is nothing else you can do than trusting that the right person for you will be by your side. We are all equally vulnerable in these fragile relationships and none of us is ever in control and we have to learn to assume it. Try to find your emotional balance little by little. Your personal strength and well being are your best ally when facing a difficult moment. Stop worrying about her meeting someone else. Should she do that when you've just separated and you're ready to prove to her that you're willing to work on you, it would have nothing to do with you personally, but the kind of person she is. And if she is who you think she is, this shouldn't happen or she'll prove herself to be unworthy of your feelings and efforts and in that case you shouldn't be interested in her anymore.

I think that the way to win her back is by trying to detach a little bit of the whole situation, getting your emotions under positive control, respecting her wish for space for some time and then contacting her again with an invitation to some kind of event that would allow you both to connect through an enjoyable neutral theme at first. When you'll feel closer to each other sharing a nice moment, it should be easier for both of you to talk. Good luck.

Working in different places could be positive for the two of you in the future. Have you ever thought about this?

[brokenman]

Thanks Valixy your words are a massive comfort. I know she has the right to be angry and i dont want to take that away from her and had suggested that I would work hard to put this right this week has been like torture and to not get a how are you doing from her hurts. I will continue to try to be strong and certainly in her presence. I will definately take your advice in terms of detachment and will then contact her.

In terms of working seperately then she was planning that anyhow and is on vurge of leaving to go to one of a number of places and i have actually supported that. She has been very down about work as she does not like her boss and team and thing is now that that situ is not helping this situ and vice versa so means she is feeling low daily and that was what i was contacting her about today and not forcing issue about us to try to support her. Just hoping that the space she is asking for is no to tie in with leaving so almost the cowards way out. In her defence she has not said any nasty when we speak

Your right in that i dont believe that she would go off with someone but if she did she is not worthy of my feelings

[brokenman]

also i have to return to work next week so what do i do then as will see her upclose every day as we work on the same floor - how should i be ?

[Valixy]

also i have to return to work next week so what do i do then as will see her upclose every day as we work on the same floor - how should i be ?

I think that you should look your best, smart and attractive, but don't go over the top, like taking care of your image but without leaving an obvious impression of the effort you're putting into it. Also try to gain some of your self-confidence back. Yes, you had a problem and she got upset, but this is not the end of the world. No one is perfect and every relationship is prone to suffer some moments of crises sometimes. And then your mistake was not from lack of love, but some insecurity that you've become aware of and you'll work on. This being said, you should feel your ordinary self and better than that. Concentrate on your tasks, try to perform as well as you can, it is important for you not to make mistakes at work that could add to your stress and be nice and polite to people.

Regarding her, I could only tell you what I would do if I was you, but this doesn't mean that it would be the best thing to do in this situation. I think that I would try to read her a little bit and unless I saw some very clear signs that she is unwilling to communicate with me, I'd invite her to a quick coffee or a quick lunch when we had a break. Or maybe I'd think it's cuter at first to simply surprise her with a coffee and a bit of her favourite pastry, sandwich that I'd just take to her desk. When we'd have a chance to talk in privacy over a cofee or a lunch break together, I would try to look relaxed, keep the conversation light, and try to send her the message that I'm interested in her, asking about things that could interest her and I would try not to speak much about myself. I would only speak about our relationship when I could feel that we've somehow reconnected, which might take a few days and I would prefer to do that outside work.

Your general attitude should be flexible, adapting to her moods and moment and your general tone should be positive and confident. At the right moment you could say that you miss her but you should keep your excruciating pain for yourself and your counsellor. Positivism looks attractive and denotes emotional balance. Also mention some interesting activity you've got involved in lately or would like to, a show, an exibition, etc. Women tend to like men that don't look/behave like victims and suprise them with a new interest every now and then.