First post from a self loather.

[itkirk]

This is my first posting and I'm pretty nervous about it. I'm a 31 straight male and I'm a self loather, I don't like anything about myself and can't see how I can contribute to anyone else's life in a relationship. I don't like the way I look, talk, height, the way I walk (I walk on my toes), I can't help it. I've been described as cute and handsome, but I just don't see it and can't see how anyone can really believe that, therefore they must be lying just to stroke my ego. I've never been in a serious relationship because I just can't seem to find someone I'm interested in who is at the same time is interested in me. I'm still a virgin, mostly by choice because I believe in having sex with someone I love. I want to take them out, treat them right and have a relationship. That seems impossible right now because I don't see how I can love someone if I don't love myself. I try to date, and don't do it often but when I do I just seem to go out with girls that end up not interested or I'm not interested in them to have a relationship with. I don't have a problem talking to girls in public situations, I just can never identify if they're ever interested, or those girls so happen to be married/taken. I guess I'm clueless most of the time. I've been in situations when I could have gotten "lucky", but the first time I was 18 and the girl I was seeing was 16 and I was definitely not going to be labeled as a statutory rapist. The second time I was in bed with a woman (8 years later) and heavily making out, but she was pretty drunk and I wasn't even sure of her sincerity of even being remotely interested in me, so I didn't push the sex angle. We went out again one more time as a date, and wanted to establish more of a relationship by dating more, apparently she didn't want to. Again my primary goal is to be in a serious relationship with someone, not just get laid. Am I being too serious in that regard? I have a best friend that is like my brother, known him for 21 years, who has the same outlook on relationships and girls as I do. He was a virgin till he was 27. The woman he was dating that he lost his virginity to is now his wife. And THAT is what I want, a strong relationship with someone I love and have sex with who will become my wife. Despite the number of dates I have had (very few in my lifetime), I'm fearful of rejection by going on future ones. Self destructive I know. I am deathly afraid of rejection and will do anything I can to avoid it, including asking girls out. I guess what I'm getting at and what I want to ask (mostly women) is what are your thoughts on a person such as myself (31 y.o. virgin), who sees sex as something that should be between two people that love each other. But then the flipside to this is that since I don't really love myself, are there any tips on increasing self esteem and confidence?

[basilandthyme]

Hi itkirk, first and most important question: what have you tried so far to overcome your self loathing? Have you done any counselling or seen a psychologist? If so, what do they say?

What about non-romantic relationships? Do you have a good set of friends? Are you employed? Any disabilities you've neglected to mention?

Regarding the toe walking, have you sought medical help for it? Do you know if it's neuro in origin or caused by something else?

[itkirk]

I have not seen a counsellor or psychologist at all, although i've talked to pastors and christian leaders for help. Their advice just seems to fall flat when it just boasts my ego for a temporary period of time. I have a couple good friends that are female and male, single and married. As for my employment, I have several part time jobs as an instructional aide in a middle school, teaching painting to adults and kids in a studio setting, and teaching art to kids in an afterschool program, I'm also a freelance illustrator. I don't have any disabilities, I'm a pretty normal guy, well besides my obvious flaw I mentioned in the first post. For the toe walking issue I just don't have flat feet, I roll off the ball of my foot so I bounce. I can walk without bouncing if I focus, but then I just revert back to walking the way I do if I don't focus.

[dem862]

Why would anyone want to "stroke your ego?" That reeks of self-importance. People just don't have the time or the desire to go around stroking anyone else's ego. Were you abused as a child? I am sensing personality disorder or possibly some aspergers traits. I would add social anxiety as a possibility.

[basilandthyme]

Why would anyone want to "stroke your ego?" That reeks of self-importance. People just don't have the time or the desire to go around stroking anyone else's ego. Were you abused as a child? I am sensing personality disorder or possibly some aspergers traits. I would add social anxiety as a possibility.

And toe walking is really common in Aspergers......

[itkirk]

I never mentioned needing anyone to "stroke my ego". Where'd you get that from? I mentioned that after some advice would be given it would "boast" my ego as a result because practicing that advice would make me feel good, but I don't need anyone to be stroke my ego. No I was never abused as a child.

[basilandthyme]

I never mentioned needing anyone to "stroke my ego". Where'd you get that from? I mentioned that after some advice would be given it would "boast" my ego as a result because practicing that advice would make me feel good, but I don't need anyone to be stroke my ego. No I was never abused as a child.

You said >>I've been described as cute and handsome, but I just don't see it and can't see how anyone can really believe that, therefore they must be lying just to stroke my ego.<<

Why do you think people would lie to you just to stroke your ego? And taking it further, do you really hold those around you in such low regard? Do you not think they'd find it offensive that you think they are liars?

[HeartIsAching]

And toe walking is really common in Aspergers......

Interesting. I was thinking "Aspergers?"

OP: I wonder where your trust issues come from... Who lied to you/on you a lot when you were young? Who put you down and called you names? Who made you feel worthless? Someone sure as shit did, and someone in a position of authority. One of your parents? An older sibling?

[itkirk]

I'm not asking for diagnosis on anything, so why is everyone trying to diagnose me on something? I asked for specific advice on improving esteem and confidence, and no one's giving it to me. This forum sucks.

[HeartIsAching]

Interesting. One small question and you get defensive.

If you really don't want help, go away. I'm fine with that.

[DalM0m]

You need to change your self talk. It's a cognitive behavior technique which you are going to need some professional help developing. Right now you continue to send yourself negative messages -- you even titled your post as being a self loather. Until you change that & begin to like yourself, it will be difficult if not impossible for others to like you. It can be overcome but it takes time & patience. Seek out a professional counselor who concentrates on cognitive therapy. Once you begin to like yourself, it will be easier for others to like you.

[itkirk]

Interesting. I was thinking "Aspergers?"

OP: I wonder where your trust issues come from... Who lied to you/on you a lot when you were young? Who put you down and called you names? Who made you feel worthless? Someone sure as shit did, and someone in a position of authority. One of your parents? An older sibling?

That's one small question?!! Are you serious? That's five!!! And I'm not just talking about those, but the other previous questions, some that have nothing to do with my questions. And those aren't just small questions, those are intimate and personal questions assuming behavior from my family. No one did anything like that when I was younger. And you're trying to pull stuff from the past, I want advice on what I can do now for the future and not dwell on the past.

[basilandthyme]

Chill dude. The reason people are asking about your past is to try and understand why you are the way you are. Without understanding how you got to where you are, it's hard to figure out how to advise you to go forward.

At any rate, if you don't like our approach, then consider seeing a psychologist. Though they will probably ask you the same set of questions to start out with.

[IndiReloaded]

Hi sweet. In the end, you have to choose for yourself to be happy. Here is one of those ubiquitous youtube vids that might help if you really take her message to heart. Btw, although its utube, it happens to be one of the better ones, IMO. You don't know me, but if you did there is a small chance my opinion might mean something. Be fearlessly authentic; good things inevitably come to those with the courage to do so.

[bluesummer]

First of all, pastors and Christian leaders are not psychologists. They are there to help you understand your faith, although some of them certainly think that makes them qualified to act like mental health professionals that took years of education to understand human behaviour. They aren't. Get some real professional help.

I think you're absolutely right though that you can't adequately love someone until you learn to love yourself. This could start with small things that you can just self recognize i.e.: I am attractive (guess what, everyone is in their own way). I am kind to people. I'm great at doing certain things. Build yourself up and start to realize you have something to offer someone. If you think you aren't worth anything, it will reflect back to others.

I still think some proper counselling would help.