Is there a future

[hkh8871]

So I have been dating someone I really thought was special in my life since Dec 2012. So we have been together around 9 1/2 months at this point. In the beginning (first 5-6 months) he was amazing. He was the greatest guy I had ever met- attentive, compassionate, loving, affectionate…just literally an amazing person towards me. He would do things, even if he didn’t like them, just to make me happy and I did the same. We are a long distance couple and up until this recent time together, long distance was working out for us. we are both young (early twenties) and he is starting a great career and I’m studying in grad school in Europe while he lives in the USA…we do our own things when we are apart and I’m not needy when we are apart but my last five weeks in the USA (after being there for 3 months) have been awful. We have only been fighting because he doesn’t want to make the drive to where I live because there is “nothing to do there” and his “friends aren’t there” and he just wants me to come to him and do what he wants to do with him. Everytime I tried to stand up for myself or tell him that I don’t want to go to his place (because he still lives with his parents) it turned into a huge fight and would result in me nagging and us not seeing each other that weekend until Sunday when he’d drive down to me. Even when we are in the same country/state- we live an hour away from each other by car and it does make driving a bit of a task but lately it has become very one sided (me doing the most driving). I have had a very honest conversation with him about our problem for the past 5 weeks and we both had opposite expectations in what should have happened…we both recognized we made mistakes but I don’t think he realized that my biggest problem is the fact that he only wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it where he wants to do it and with whom he wants to do it. It seems as though he wants me in his life in all ways, but he wants me to be a part of ONLY his life- not that he wants to be a part of mine also. It is true that there is very little to do where I live and more where he lives but it’s just hurtful that he doesn’t see being with me as enough. Then, as a cherry on the sundae, the weekend I had to leave back to Europe we didn’t see each other even though he was supposed to take me to the airport. I left on a Saturday and on Friday I thought he would come over and then we’d go to the airport Saturday. Instead he didn’t come over on Friday, so I called a car service to take me on Saturday. Saturday morning he calls me and is appalled that I would get a car service, etc. etc. A huge fight breaks out and then instead of coming to see me at the airport (which he was at too because he was flying out at the same time for a weekend of fun) he just takes his time and even though I told him and I was waiting as long as I could before going through security…we didnt see each other. i was so hurt and so upset…we argued until the plane took off and didn’t speak for a few days. He sent me a text apologizing and saying he realized how much he hurt me and then later i sent him an email explaining my feelings and he answerred with the same apology as before. We spoke for a bit longer last night and it once again became a one sided discussion of him wanting his life to be more fluid and me to be more integrated with his friends and his life and his activities because I’m the one that comes there temporarily. He is coming to visit me in 20 days but i harbor such resentment against him because of the past few weeks. Even because of the talk we had- it is always about what HE wants, what HE is comfortable with, and it seems as though i can either conform to what he wants or we fight. It just seems as though he no longer cares or really wants to be with me unless it’s on his terms. When we are together he doesn’t do anything for me really. He just wants me there as a “figure” in his life but he doesn’t want to do anything for me- no more flowers or dates or anything and i want that back. I just don’t know what to do because a part of me loves him and cares for him and wants nothing more than to go back to how it was but the other part thinks that there is just way to much that has happened for me to be able to let go and fully care about someone with a mindset like that. I want to be made to feel special also and it is something i do for him but no longer something he does for me. I don’t even get good night or good morning texts or any interaction throughout the day- nothing. I've said I love you once but he hasn't yet. He calls me his love though. The whole situation is horrible and I don't know if it's worth it anymore. He claims he needs his life to be more fluid because I'm there for six months and gone for six months and he can't just be with me cause when I leave he is lost and his friends don't call him anymore. It's just difficult and since the talk we have not spoken. He has not texted or messaged me and it just hurts. He also always spoke about the reason we should try to stay together is how much we have invested already and it's never because he cares or I'm important to him. I'm afraid he is just doing this because he already bought his ticket to come visit me and it was $1000.

[Boisdevie]

Can you write a shorter post please?

[hkh8871]

I’m looking for the strength or reasoning to stay because I’m in love with him and don’t have the strength to leave him.

[Stinger]

Hi,

I believe you need to talk to him and understand what he wants from this relationship . Also, you should question yourself about the things that u want from it. The most important thing is to make sure that its a win win situation for both of you. If he is not doing the things he use to earlier, then i suggest u let him know how you feel about it. I was in a relationship thrice and what i learnt is that girls usually dont say things directly to men and we ( men) take time to figure things out. Also, it is really difficult to do the analysis about who is doing how much for the other person because if you like him ( or love him ) then these things dont matter. I am sure he will do the same for you once he realizes the efforts that you have put to make it ( relationship ) work.

Good luck
Stinger : )

[hkh8871]

So to ask for more advice- he arrived yesterday to visit me and things were good. we haven't really had a chance to have a talk but i feel like i just want to have some fun and bring happiness and mutual enjoyment back to us before we talk. the only thing is...and i know this is a big NO NO but he logged into his Facebook on my computer and didn't log off...well when i wanted to log in it automatically went to his site and i really tried not to look but curiosity got the best of me and i just casually glanced at the first conversation with his best friend...well in that conversation his friend tells him that he should text his ex as a congratulations for getting into law school and that she likes knowing he still cares...to which my boyfriend replied i don't want to text her while her boyfriend is still in the picture and that she had texted him earlier that day and his friend said oh well she asks me about your girlfriend (me) sometimes and that he tells her nothing other than we are happy to which my boyfriend replies "next time you should say 'you guys should get back together'" and his friend responds with "will do" and then the conversation just went a different way!! i'm so confused right now!! this is a girl he dated for 3 years in college and was supposedly awful too and then he was heartbroken when they broke up and for a year he tried to get her back and it didn't work...i thought he moved past her but obviously not.....and another part of the conversation was him asking his friend (same friend) to bring girls with him and his friend said he only knows girls x,y and z (which are coincidentally my friends) and then my boyfriend responds with "aka those are the only girls my gf knows in this whole city" to which his friend replies with "ohhh ok"..................this all happened about the middle of october when we never spoke but it makes me wonder what the hell he is doing here.......why would someone be in a relationship when they really just want their ex? or other girls? as a disclaimer- i really wasn't trying to snoop! i leave all his things alone all the time even if i have the perfect opportunity to look through things (i used to be a big snooper but have made a point to not do it in this relationship) but this seems to just have fallen into my lap and now i'm at a loss. i don't know how to react towards him but he has been being affectionate and sweet and holding me and kissing me...its so confusing!!