Mr Unavailable, hot/cold and late night messaging....advice badly needed

[chillipepper333]

Hey everyone,

Will try to condense this, I met a guy about a month and a half ago, he pursued really hard at the start had amazing chemistry etc took me out for dinner, met his friends within the first week, he mentioned marriage (he was drunk) all in the first week. Anyway I scared him off after a couple of weeks, I showed a bit of a needy side when I felt he was being a bit off with me. He went cold on me and my natural instinct was to pursue him (bad idea), I then told him I couldn't bothered with things and told him I was no longer interested, then apologised a week later and asked if he wanted to see me again, he didn't respond. Instead pretty much most weekends (Friday night and Saturdays) he IM's me just saying hey, how are you etc. Most of the time I don't reply. For the first time I replied this weekend and he said he wanted to see me at midnight (I haven't slept with him and he knows I'm not the type to sleep around either) I said no that I was out and not dropping things to see him, he was pretty persistent about seeing me, saying he would pay for my cab that he thought about us the weekend before when he was away, that he maybe was wrong and that he wanted to give us a second chance. I didn't fall for it and felt it was a ploy to get me into bed with him so declined. The next day I got a similar message, just a hey, I ignored. So during the week I messaged him and asked how his weekend was, he had a brief but civil conversation about my new job which he congratulated me on.

I've had time to think about this guy and think he is what you would call Mr Unavailable, said he doesn't normally like girls (I was the first he liked for 3 years since his break up) his ex was stunning and broke up with him 3 years ago. He was heartbroken and hasn't had a relationship since. So I think he has issues. I think coming on so heavy at the start, meeting his mates a week into meeting me wasn't entirely normal? Something doesn't ring true here.

I really like this guy but not sure if there is a future? He clearly has no respect anymore for me if he thinks it's ok to message me in the middle of the night when he is drunk and asks to see me only then, no forward planning. Is it possible to 'train' this guy and make him pursue me normally again? Or is this just some stupid game to him?

I have a full life, hobbies, active social life (out all the time), successful, have my own place etc so he knows I’m not the needy type as my life says it all really. I just had a glitch with him at the start.

Advice needed please!

Thanks v.much x

[fearoflove]

The guy sound like he has been burned so he is treating females like crap/convenience. Just tell him clearly that if he wants to be with you, he has to pursue you and stop playing those games. Then, leave it at that and see if he steps up. If not, then just leave it alone.

[chillipepper333]

That's what I think too. I was thinking of just being really blunt and saying I know the kind of guy he is, blowing hot and cold etc and that I won't put up with it so to sort himself out or leave me alone? He won't message me unless he is drunk. He can't seem to communicate normally with me. I don't think it's a booty call when he sends messages late at night. I think this is the only way he feels comfortable chatting me about stuff. Not sure what to do.

[vashti]

I was involved with a man like this for longer than I care to admit. It never got better, at least, not for any significant length of time, and in the end, he ended up abandoning me for his ex wife while my daughter was in sick the hospital.

You sound like a smart girl. Don't allow him to drop in and out of your life at will, or it will damage your self esteem. You can't fix him, and the fact that he doesn't like women in general says he is likely still emotionally connected to the one that got away.

[DalM0m]

Until he contacts you to set up a proper date all the rest of the contact is meaningless. Maybe it's flirtation. Maybe it's a ploy to get you into bed but without the proper date, it's not the start of a relationship based upon respect with a desire to build toward the future.

The way to "train" him -- I'm using your word here, is to be polite but don't move forward emotionally or physically until you get what you want.