Ex has officially moved on but I am struggling! Please help!

[Lifeline18]

ex has moved on but I am finding it hard to do the same.

I was with him on and off for 3 years and during that time I gave my everything to the relationship. He was in the services so was often away and I sent care packages and what ever he needed while he was away. On his first night back he slept with his ex and asked if we could be friends. A few months down the line he got back in touch and we ended up giving things another try and for 6 months everything was bliss. However my friends and family were concerned at the amount I was giving/spending on him (tens of thousands) and I ended it. Immediately I felt I had made the wrong decision and out of guilt let his best friend take my place on a pre paid holiday I had booked for us. Although ashamed to admit it I was very needy and actually went through a real period of depression.

Thankfully and happily I can say that is now in my past and not something which affects me but a few months later he got back in touch saying I was his perfect girl he was excited for a future with me. So I being the blind fool in love said we should try again. In my mind we were building us again, he is leaving service and wanted to pursue music so I bought him the equipment he would need. He then went on a boys holiday and I was supposed to fly out to meet him but during this time he slept with another girl and as I found out had actually met his ex behind my back again. Since then he said he didn't want to be with me as I apparently lied because I said I would give him more money and I hadn't and that's true I decided against giving him more money because I had hoped he would fight and want me, but he didn't. He has changed his number and deleted his email and told me that all gifts have either been given away or thrown away.

Now I have learned he is official with girl he met off holiday and even though he has continually put me through heartbreak after heartbreak I still love him and the news of this is even more painful as she has plastered pictures of them together over facebook whereas he wouldn't even have a picture taken with me and I was not allowed to change my facebook status. Something so trivial but it cuts as it feels like he was embarrassed to be seen with me! (I am a model by occupation so it isn't like I had three heads or a wonky eye)

I know its over for good now but how can I let go! I am tired of the tears. (sorry for such a long post guys, it helps to vent though)

[bubble]

I hope it won't take you long to get over loving him and realise what an a** he was. He left you because you lied to him about giving him money? Please. It sounds like he was just using you and the sooner you realise you deserve much, much better, the better. You sound like a sweet girl and you should find an equally sweet guy. Try to avoid looking at the new girl's facebook profile, I know it's hard, but you have to consciously make an effort not to think about him and to erase him from your life. It's always hard after the break up, but you will get over it and after some time you'll wonder what you saw in this guy. Good luck to you!

[Lifeline18]

Thank you for your reply! I didn't give him the money he asked for because it felt like that was all he wanted me for. It is just hard to understand how if that was always his intention he managed to keep up the act for years and I agree with what you said, facebook does only make matters worse. I am going to make a concerted effort not to look. I really hope you are right and that this doesn't take much longer, it's been a month already.

[bubble]

You know, sometimes when we are in love we tend to not look at things rationally, so maybe the warning signs were there and his act was obvious, just not to you. Maybe you just saw what you wanted to see. Hang in there, a month is not that long, I promise you you will get over it, just stay away from him for now and try to keep yourself busy so you don't think about him too much.

[4 ratties]

Well first off.. U can do way better! Your not missing anything!
I've only had one breakup.. And I was with him for fours months but it took me three months to finally not hve bad feelings about it. So you being with this guy for years , is going to take time. The best advice I could give is trying not to think about him. Don't entertain the thought. Then it gets u emotional and then your fueling the thought. Literally when u think of the situation, think about something else. It will train your brain. It's good u have cried and let everything out. Now your ready to forget about him so try to stay busy and know that u will feel a lot better in a couple months

[DalM0m]

You need to work on your self esteem. You give & give & give to a man who is not worthy of your time let alone your money. He has repeatedly cheated on you and used you. Aren't you tired of it? You sound like a very generous & sweet person but you have to find someone who won't take advantage of you.

Make a list of all the reasons he's a jerk. I'll get you started:
1. He cheated on you with his EX
2. He never repaid the money
3. He used you for money
4. He cheated on you with the girl on holiday
5. He cheated on you with the ex AGAIN
6. He wouldn't acknowledge your relationship in public (Let you change your FB Status)
7. He seemed embarrassed to be seen with you & wouldn't take a picture with you. (Although I suspect this is becuase the EX was never really an EX but instead you were the other woman & he didn't want her to fidn out)

Keep going I know there are more things you can add to this. Ask your family; they can see more clearly than you can.

After you make the list, read it over & over, especially when you are missing him. You will get over him in no time.

[Lifeline18]

Thank you for your reply. Everything you said is right and the list idea is a great idea. Working on my self esteem and bettering myself is something I am going to try my upmost to focus on from this point, as my confidence is indeed shattered after giving your everything for it all to be thrown back in your face.

[Lifeline18]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate what you have said. The hardest part is the knowing he has moved on within a month but as you rightly said I need to retrain my thoughts. I hope I can learn to move on.

[mollymari]

My goodness Woman, drop this fool. Why are you even debating it? Let him go, he sounds like a daley wagged jerk who uses women. What the heck? Why, why would you even be giving this tool a second thought. Don't forget this little tidbit too: The longer you spend wrapped up with Mr.oh so wrong, the longer you keep the door closed on Mr.Right.
What a dinky poo he sounds like.
and you, you sound like a sweetheart, an old school romantic girl; flippen eck, please respect your self and for good ness sake, next time, don't give them thousands of dollars or buy them trips. Watch out for predators that prey on good women. They are counting on the idea that your a push over, that you'll fall for their baloney, (bullshit). They tell you everything you need to hear and then hurt you over and over again. Well, F___ that. Right? F___ that.
You have to start loving yourself sweetheart. Please, next time, make sure who ever he is, is worth it. Sounds like you have allot of love to give; you need to protect this.
Hope that helps.

[Lifeline18]

Thank you, your post made me smile and yes I am beginning to see things more clearly now I have taken off those rose tinted glasses. I don't think I will let anyone in for a long time now.

[mollymari]

Dear Lifeline, well don't be too hasty now. Just make sure their worthy of your affections; you know what I mean?
Chalk it up to, 'Hey, I met a real sly jerk and now I know a little more about 'red flags' '.
You can't let that bozo jade your approach to romance or else your letting him get the best of you. Again, screw that. Right? I mean your a vibrant and probably a stunning young lady with much to offer to the Right kind of guy. So please don't let that past moron ripple effect you into too much solitude.
Just tap into your self love the next time a 'red flag' starts flappin the wind and walk away. and don't forget, they can be very convincing when they need to be. Hold strong. Also, it's not so much who they are when all is going well; meaning, you get to know an awful lot about one's true character when times are tough, like in an argument. Do they pull out the low blows or can they argue somewhat rationally.
Just, please don't cut yourself off from the possibility of true romance because there are many good single men out there.

[vashti]

Check out this website. I found it to be very helpful, and I was in a situation very much like yours. There are tons of articles about the psyche of the men and women involved in these types of relationships, as well as advice about how to let it go. You don't need to buy the books.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/my-books/mr-unavailable-and-the-fallback-girl-book-one/