Not sure what is the right thing to do?

[JadenMia]

Hey all, I am in a great relationship, together for around 8 months and living together for around 6 months.
We don't really have any problems, don't argue, we respect each other and just work great as a team in life it seems..BUT. Lol since I have been with him I have been quite a hermit. I have worked overtime, spent my time off with him and just really not done anything away from him. I realize this is a problem as he seems to not like if I want to go somewhere without him..

On my birthday I organized a night out with friends and he was happy with it until I came home drunk and then he was upset with me..

Because I have known him before dating him, I know that his first long term ended when he walked in on her having sex with another man. His last relationship his girlfriend fell pregnant and she had to DNA test 5 other men before him. So I understand that it is hard to trust after such a past.

My girlfriend is on my back and she has organized an outing this weekend. She is going through a rough patch with her man and wants to have a girls night, she wants to go to the bar.
My boyfriend isn't too happy.. Says it's not safe for me to go out and get drunk at the clubs and he isn't comfortable with it.. he says he trusts that I will be good to him but he says it upsets him.

Is it wrong to go to clubs if you are in a relationship? He says he would want to go together, but i also want to be there for my girlfriend who needs some company.
What is the right move here? Respect what my boyfriend feels, or stand up for my right to do what I want to do?

I feel my judgement in relationships is quite warped, I was in an abusive relationship for years and sometimes I worry that I don't see my partners controlling ways, just because they are nothing compared to my exes cruel actions..

Thanks in advance.

[DalM0m]

It's not wrong to go to any public place regardless of your relationship status. Your BF is trying to make you pay for other people's mistakes & infidelity. He's nervous . . . burned once, you know. Talk him through it. Perhaps text or call 1 -2 x during the night out supporting your GF to reassure him. If you communicate you can work through this.

[Cerby]

he says he trusts that I will be good to him but he says it upsets him.

Contradictions are a funny thing, this is one where he says what he knows you want to hear, followed by a vague statement of what he actually feels. The thing with trust is that you either have it, or you don't. If you do, then you don't care what your SO goes out and does with friends. My gf goes clubbing semi-frequently, but I just don't enjoy it. I also don't get upset with her for going.

Your guy is getting upset because he doesn't want you to go, but wants you to make that decision (on your own). And since you're choosing to go, he is upset that you're not putting his concerns first. Sounds like he has some insecurities, and is attempting to manipulate his desired outcome instead of just growing a pair and telling you how he really feels.

[Starnique]

You should definitely go out and have a girls night out. You're good to him so it's him that need to work on his own insecurities. He needs to realize that you are not the same woman that hurt him and you have shown him your respect, loyalty, love etc. He is being controlling in a sense a little manipulative. I say that because I don't think he is really worried about you being unsafe. That's not the real issue. He just worried about what he thinks you may do behind his back. That would personally upset me because I would feel like he's questioning my character and he doesn't trust me and he should know that i'm better then that.

Just break it down to him. You love him but you have to have a life outside of him. Its normal when you first get in a relationship to spend most of your time with your bf. Sometimes your friends feel neglected because they be like, ever since you been dealing with him you don't go out no more but that's just how it is. Its diff while in a relationship. But I realized that you still have to maintain your friendships. Your girl needs you right now and if he don't like it, too damn bad. As long as you're not mistreating him and he gets his time and then some then he needs to get over it. You don't have to be under each other all the time. At the end of the night, you go home to him, so what's the problem?

[JadenMia]

Thanks for the responses, he is very insecure but he doesn't let it show most of the time. He is very macho in that sense, so I think he just comes up with excuses lol
I talked with him last night and told him that I would only be going out for 2 hours and that I would never cheat..and that if he really wanted he could come along too with a friend. He just said let's stop talking about it. So we didn't get very far :S
I'm just so grateful for everything he has done for me and how well he treats me I guess I am scared to hurt his feelings ...
I am just going to go, call him a few times and stand by what i want to do.

He goes out lots, he is always at our friends house helping out with work in the garage, on the weekend he goes and drinks at his friends and plays video games.. So I feel it is unfair that he does so much and I don't really do anything anymore.. But he said I could go and hang out with my friends as much as I want, just not the bar.
But for me I work full time, I am a mother to a 5 year old and have housework, homework and a job that takes up 99% of my time so with me and my friends the only time we get to let our hair down is a few hours on a girly night dancing. I don't think he sees it as innocent as that.

[Starnique]

Yeah he may be good to you but you're good to him also so you technically don't owe him anything. When he go out with his friends, does he check in with you? It's not like you're going to be gone all day. It's only two hours. But hey, if you're happy with that arrangement then go for it. You still should be very upfront about having a life outside of him. He has one outside of you. Anyway, a girls night out is just that. You shouldn't offer for him to come because that defeats the purpose and changes the mood. That's the whole point in having a life outside of him. He's insecure and he goes out and he wouldnt want you tagging along all the time. Hopefully he gets over his insecurities because it may cause problems in the future.

[JadenMia]

Thanks again!

I definitely feel it's important to have a life outside of our relationship too, I feel I haven't been paying enough attention to my friendships so something has to change.
I told him today pretty straight up that I am going no matter what, and he just said okay babe I just have a bad feeling... Lol

I do find it insulting that he doesn't trust me.. I am not the type to cheat and he fulfils me in every other way I just don't see the point in ruining us to cheat.
When he goes out he does check in with me lots, calls, comes home to make me and my daughter supper etc.. He is good like that so I will make sure to keep him in mind when I go out too. Plus like you said I will only be gone 2 hours!! Lol

[FeelingUsed]

There is a line when it comes to going out clubbing. If you are doing it on a regular basis or getting totally smashed where you put yourself into compromising situations then he does have a right to be concerned. If you love this guy you should learn the imago dialogue how to mirror, empathize, summarize, validate his feelings... this way you are seeing what he is saying and feeling plus reassuring him with a positive validation that you get it. This will help his insecurities so he knows you are listening... That said.

You definitely need to have your time to yourself and your friends try to find other outlets besides bars/clubs these places are breading grounds for devious behavior. 80% of everyone there is looking to get laid. Would you like it if he went out without you stayed out late came home wasted?

[JadenMia]

There is a line when it comes to going out clubbing. If you are doing it on a regular basis or getting totally smashed where you put yourself into compromising situations then he does have a right to be concerned. If you love this guy you should learn the imago dialogue how to mirror, empathize, summarize, validate his feelings... this way you are seeing what he is saying and feeling plus reassuring him with a positive validation that you get it. This will help his insecurities so he knows you are listening... That said.

You definitely need to have your time to yourself and your friends try to find other outlets besides bars/clubs these places are breading grounds for devious behavior. 80% of everyone there is looking to get laid. Would you like it if he went out without you stayed out late came home wasted?

And this is why I do ask, I feel it is almost wrong to go to the bar. Especially the one I am going to, it is a local so everybody there is people that I know, maybe a person that I have a past with. We live in a VERY small town.
My boyfriend told me he stopped wanting to go the bars when he met me because he had enough of that scene and that most of the people that were there looking to get laid. Which I agree with.
But then again, I really don't go out at all. I agree that we should find other things to do, money is always an issue though ... Hmm.
I want to tell my friend that I don't want to go to the bar but I value her friendship very much and this is what she said really needs and wants to do.
Jeez I'm so torn. I just can't shake the guilty feeling right now that I am hurting him by going and helping my friend.

[DalM0m]

I think going to a bar where everyone knows you would be better. In that setting, they should know you are in a committed relationship so you won't be faced with someone hitting on you. In a club where you don't know anybody, anything is possible.

[FeelingUsed]

Go to a restaurant that serves booze. If you can stay remotely sober to the point that you aren't jeopardizing your relationship then he shouldn't have to worry, but you have to see it from his angle too. He has reasons for his feelings which are his own right, and his choices are either to put up with your behavior or not... if it really bothers him. Also, if he wants to be in a relationship he needs to trust you... as long as you are behaving in such a matter as not to compromise him..