Should I stay and help my partner or is there no hope?

[greenyzoz]

I'm a little lost and need some advice. I'm currently on holiday with my boyfriend of one year. In brief we have a lot of history together and I've known him for years but we went our separate ways for 6 years and found each other again last year. Everything has been amazing and we now live together. We are best mates and get on like a house on fire but there is one thing missing... He doesn't feel that he loves me.

I often feel very loved and have been in previous relationships where the lust subsides and you are often left with very little in common with the person. I felt this was fate as it's totally the opposite and it's strange how we found each other again.

Previous to me he was with a girl for 10 years and they got married. She cheated on him with numerous people an he took her back several times but finally ended it 4 years ago. She is now married again but he still has nightmares about her and can't seem to let go. He wants this to go away so he can move on as it's ruined previous relationships.

He has been in other relationships with other girls since but has ended them after realising he feels nothing for them. He has been completely honest with me and says he has strong feelings but he cannot identify it as love. He says it's different to the other girls as he feels so much more for me or would end it otherwiseThis holiday has proved difficult as we have been going round in circles and he has emailed counsellors and psychiatrists to see if he can get some help to get over his demons.

I want to know of anyone has been in this situation too and has any other advice than run!! Has anyone managed to help a partner through something similar as he says he thinks it will be ok and he needs to get over his demons. I'm under no illusion that he will go and talk to someone and suddenly he will fall madly in love with me. I just wonder if everyone falls in love and has these mad feelings and that's what he should feel for me. I'm just lost and totally confused as what we have is the best foundations and a very strong relationship. He just seems to still be in love with his ex. Help!

[HeartIsAching]

I think he's confusing infatuation and love. Infatuation is what gives you that butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling, and it doesn't last.

Love is warm and comfortable, giving, sharing and supporting each other. It can be passionate, but it's not defined by passion. From what you say about your relationship, I'd say that you two do love each other. Does he show you love in non-verbal ways?

[smackie9]

He should try hypnotherapy....talking it out isn't working so maybe being hypnotized will help him work out his demons and set him up to get rid of them. If it can be used to quit smoking, maybe it will help him quit her.

[greenyzoz]

Thanks for your replies guys. I have spent most of this holiday in tears and feel so distant right now. Yes i totally agree with you about the infatuation thing. He does show me love in non verbal ways but has real trouble identifying love and says he doesn't feel the same as he did about her. We seem to go round in constant circles with it so I think hypnotherapy could help with it. I hope we can sort it out and get past it all.

[TablesandChairs]

I've never felt the same way about a partner as I felt about my first boyfriend; that was an intense, infatuated, can't-live-without-you kind of love. It wasn't healthy and it was co-dependent but I struggled with 'falling in love' after that - I felt like other relationships paled in comparison when in fact, those relationships were far healthier and stronger...they were just missing those intense highs/lows that I'd become used to.

But in saying all this - you deserve to be with someone who knows he loves you and maybe this guy just doesn't and it's not related to his past girlfriend. Or, maybe it is - but the onus is on him to figure this out (with the help of a therapist if need be) so he isn't stringing you around. Sure, it's nice that he's honest but it must be very hurtful for you, as the partner who has to contend with not being loved as much as the ex. Ouch. I'd pull away in your shoes just to protect myself but if you want to stay, do so but have a few conditions - he seeks help and gives you a definitive answer at some point. You won't be okay with your second-best status forever.

[HeartIsAching]

Thanks for your replies guys. I have spent most of this holiday in tears and feel so distant right now. Yes i totally agree with you about the infatuation thing. He does show me love in non verbal ways but has real trouble identifying love and says he doesn't feel the same as he did about her. We seem to go round in constant circles with it so I think hypnotherapy could help with it. I hope we can sort it out and get past it all.

Why don't you just tell him that he's confusing the two? Explain it to him. If you insist on being non-direct about it, ask him what he'd do if you were about to be hit by a bus and he could only save you was to shove you out of the way and get hit himself?

You've said that he shows you love in non-verbal ways, so why don't you stop insisting that he label his feelings for you and just be happy that you know he loves you?

[greenyzoz]

Why don't you just tell him that he's confusing the two? Explain it to him. If you insist on being non-direct about it, ask him what he'd do if you were about to be hit by a bus and he could only save you was to shove you out of the way and get hit himself?

You've said that he shows you love in non-verbal ways, so why don't you stop insisting that he label his feelings for you and just be happy that you know he loves you?

I have told him this until I am blue in the face and this is why I feel he needs to speak to someone independent as he doesn't believe me. He sees people all loved up and thinks that's how we should be.

Tables and chairs - are you with anyone now and how did you realise that you were never going to find the same love as before? I do think I should run and protect myself but I will always be wondering what if.

[bluenote99]

I've never felt the same way about a partner as I felt about my first boyfriend; that was an intense, infatuated, can't-live-without-you kind of love. It wasn't healthy and it was co-dependent but I struggled with 'falling in love' after that - I felt like other relationships paled in comparison when in fact, those relationships were far healthier and stronger...they were just missing those intense highs/lows that I'd become used to.

But in saying all this - you deserve to be with someone who knows he loves you and maybe this guy just doesn't and it's not related to his past girlfriend. Or, maybe it is - but the onus is on him to figure this out (with the help of a therapist if need be) so he isn't stringing you around. Sure, it's nice that he's honest but it must be very hurtful for you, as the partner who has to contend with not being loved as much as the ex. Ouch. I'd pull away in your shoes just to protect myself but if you want to stay, do so but have a few conditions - he seeks help and gives you a definitive answer at some point. You won't be okay with your second-best status forever.

whole heartedly agree with this there are indeed many different ways of feeling love and it sounds as though hes craving the mad passionate kind of love hes felt before,this can be very destructive though especially if its not felt by both partners,as others have said if you can convince him that the kind of love you have between you now is valid and good you may have a chance,good luck