How should I confront my mom about her drinking?

[AbigailR]

My mom started drinking alot when she met my stepdad when I was in 3rd grade. They started drinking every night as soon as they got home and passed out after dinner. When I was teenager I took advantage of the fact that I could basically do whatever I wanted after 7pm every night and started getting into trouble.
When I was 15 my mom finally started to care a little bit and act like a parent, but being the bitchy teenager that I was, I threw everything back in her face and told her exactly what I thought about her parenting style and we started arguing and she got a little physical with me. (I'm telling you this for a reason, I promise). Shortly after that her and my stepdad got divorced and she eventually slowed down with the drinking.
Right before I moved out her and my stepdad got back together and it started up again. I didn't realize how bad things were until she started bringing her vodka to family functions like my nieces birthday party. I mean, who gets drunk at 2 in the afternoon at a one year olds birthday party? I have a 4 year old daughter and my mom is always offering to babysit or let her stay the night, but I just don't trust her enough to let my daughter spend more than 30 minutes alone with her. It's getting really out of hand. I barely ever see her sober anymore, and I'm worried about her and just frustrated with the whole situation. Is there anything I can do? I'm kind of afraid to say anything to her because of what happened when I was 15. I don't want anything like that happening again. She's kind of a drama queen and always wants people to feel bad for her, and I'm afraid I'm going to lose my cool. Any suggestions or advice?

[DalM0m]

If you have never been to an Al-Anon meeting, go before you do anything. That is a support group for the friends & family of alcoholics.

If you are still having issues in your own life about the choices you make & how your life turned out, you can go to an ACOA meeting. That stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics & it's about healing the pain their drinking caused in your life. I'm not hearing you say you need this.

My parents were both alcoholics. I would never leave a child in their care for longer than say the time it took me to walk in the other room to go to the bathroom but that's about it. The battle I fought (& eventually won) was over the driving. I got them to both stop driving but I never tried to get them to stop drinking because I knew it was a hopeless cause. Toward the end of her life I was able to get my mom's favorite bartenders to give her non-alcoholic beer but she had dimentia by then.

When my parents would rant & rave the way drunks do, I'd just go quiet & tune them out. I would also remove myself from the situation at the earliest opportunity.

If your mom asks why you are pulling away, you can calmly tell her that her excessive drinking upsets you. Stopping has to be her choice, You can't make her. You can only control yourself & your actions.

[pcmaster]

Say you love her but you hate her drinking. If she wants to spend more time with your kids then she have to be sober cause thats how you want their grany to be. Show a good example to kids.

[Starnique]

Ohhh PC, you call your grandma ~granny~ too??

But yes, Op, i've dealt with drug and alcohol abusers. I will second the advice above. Tell her you love her but you're not going to be a part of that lifestyle, meaning support it or have your baby around it.

[joanna1]

She needs a family intervention, maybe videotape her drunk at one of the childrens b-day parties and play that back to her at the family help session for her, she cannot see how she looks because she is not able too, being drunk. She probably thinks all is okay with how she acts when drunk. Her ex husband is the catalyst, he needs to change also or get out of her life, he is her good time buddy, she won't stop if he is around and drinking too.

Tell her as others have said you love her and you want her around to see your daughter grow up and be apart of both your lives and you fear she won't be and you want her to get help. Be honest why you don't want her watching your child, don't protect her feelings so much, she needs the truth. If she takes it badly at least you know you loved her and cared about her enough to tell her how you feel. Your siblings and aunts and uncles should do the same.

[smackie9]

You have to be very blunt......tell her if she doesn't get help, she is out of your life until she does. It was the only way for me to get my mom some help and it worked.....it took a few weeks of her drunk calls, and refusing to talk to her.

[HeartIsAching]

I too suggest you attend some Al-Anon meetings first. They'll help you to get understanding about what you can and cannot change or control. They'll give you some very good tools for dealing with your mother.

[somehelp4me]

I feel for you. My Family dealt with this too. The posts about Al= Anon and intervention were spot on ones. Don't shy away from telling her EXACTLY how you feel, exactly how it affects you and your relationship with her. She does love her family more than the booze, but the booze is a coping tool, it needs to get replacement with more helpful tools. ie. Professional help.

[perceptiv1]

The answer is simple. Her body is calling the alcohol and my boyfriend is an alcoholic. He changes tremendously and I finally had to make him choose. He has stopped for a month and then got a little miniature. What the heck can a miniature do. That just confirms he can't stop but I can. And for the sake of my kids I will leave him. With your mother it is so much harder. I know. How do you watch your mother tear herself down. You have your life now...You have to allow her to live how she has decided. You can't force it but you can live for you.

[nicko3371]

my whole dads family are alcoholics and i try to avoid them when theyre drunk but idk about a mom shes so close, make her feel really bad about it i guess

[Sparkle blue]

Ask her what's more important, you may not have to see or be in contact with her for while, but she needs to no you mean business, do a bit of research on line, and I would go and get a bit of support for your yourself, lots of free numbers you can call to talk with perfesonals, as you need support to good luck

[editor]

you can put as much effort in this thing as you can. Fact is that people who are drinking don't get rid of it that easily. In my opinion you should guide her through the process. I wouldn't leave my daughter with a person who is known for drinking though. Not saying she on purposely might do the child harm, but there is a chance something happens since people who are drunk can't think straight.

[sajib]

There is a saying; when you want to clean a fire place, you must be aware of the ashes. I don't see anyway you are going to do without confronting her about her habit but you must be well prepared and with the solutions in plan.
Let her know how you care about her health, how you want your kids to spend time with the granny, you can make the all thing be emotional before she roses it and through it back to you.

[michelle23]

Dont waste your time. She wont stop. Drink will always come first. My dad is a drinker and hes not gonna change either.

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