Why can't I stop being such a romantic?!

[TheEvilJester]

I'm not sure if I am actually looking for advice here, or maybe just to share stories with fellow romantics like me. But, I would certainly LOVE advice if anybody who has been through this has some advice.

All my life, I have been such a big romantic. A hopeless romantic, even. I am in love with the idea of falling in love. Part of me feels like I was made to be in a relationship.

All the same, I've also always been strangely very grounded and realistic about it. I can have a crush on a girl and still know, in the back of my head, that if I actually got up the nerve to talk to her/ask her out, she could very well be completely nothing like what I thought she was. I can see an attractive girl, and wish I could talk to her, or she'd talk to me, or somehow we'd have one of those crazy romantic moments you see in movies and TV even though you know they don't really happen in real life.... and yet intellectually I still know that she is probably just some random person I will never talk to or even see again.

Even so, my logical side doesn't change the fact that I am such a hopeless romantic. There was a time when I thought I was finally done with all that, and finally able to actually put that part of me to good use. Yeah... well, turns out my "Disney Princess" was actually the Wicked Witch all along. LOL! And, yes I am half-kidding. I DO NOT expect (and quite honestly wouldn't want) to find somebody perfect. Perfect does not exist.

Now that I am finally out of that relationship, and starting to move on, that long buried part of me is starting to come back to life. Honestly... to some degree it is starting to drive me crazy. I hate it! For those of you familiar with the show "How I Met Your Mother" I am practically Ted Mosby. It is like every girl I find attractive, I find myself wishing she'd come up and talk to me, or we'd somehow hit it off and I could ask her out or something. I see some friend of a friend on Facebook or something, and she seems like somebody who has a lot in common with me, and suddenly I find myself wishing I could meet her.

Mind you, I'm not obsessive, or anything. I am very logical about it. But, it still drives me freaking crazy. It is kind of like wanting love so badly on a constant basis only to constantly realize it just ain't gonna happen. Has anybody else been like this? How do you turn it the HELL off?! Some day I would like to meet a girl and fall in love. Find the true girl of my dreams. But, until then couldn't my mind shut the Heck up and stop constantly wanting it to happen?

[FAndrews]

I have the same problem, I'm also an incurable hopeless romantic, and i like to think that is a good thing, there doesn't seem to be many of us.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sounds like you're scared and lazy. Stop thinking and start asking.

[JenAlexisLuv]

It's not being a hopeless romantic, everyone wants to have someone special in their lives. I'm 35 and that feeling never goes away. You seriously need to get over your fear of talking to a girl though...you can't just hope SHE'LL come and talk to you, grow some balls and say hi. I just met this guy over the weekend, he was hitting on me and I ended up telling him I wasn't interested, but at least he TRIED. You need to do the same.

[countryrider13]

What's the worse that can happen...she'd say "no". Try aproaching, it's really not that bad. All you need to do is start with a "hello". Not asking out a complete stranger right off the bat. Most people want to meet the love of their life, I don't think that's being a hopeless romantic. But you need to open up more and not expect the female to walk up to you all the time.

[Empty Road]

The question you should ask yourself is "Why can't I stop being such a whimp?" There is nothing wrong with being a romantic. There are plenty of girls who are also hopelessly romantic, dreaming of the day they will meet Prince charming. And you might be the one for them, but nothing will happen if you don't act. The only difference between fantasy and reality is that it takes more than just love to win the girl's heart. You have to improve other aspects of you life as well, like having a good career, social life, interesting hobbies and interests, and staying in shape. If you want the girl of your dreams, first you have to be the man of her dreams.

[TheEvilJester]

Thank you to those of you with CONSTRUCTIVE feedback. For the record, my question here is not so much about how to talk to women. Also, for the record, I HAVE finally resolved myself to learning to make the first move. Just sort of not in a place in my life where I am ready yet. That is kind of what I am talking about here. I want my brain to shut the Hell up for a while. LOL!

However, that doesn't mean it is as easy as some of you are making it seem. Telling somebody to "grow some balls" or calling them a "whimp" is not helping. :-) Were it actually worth my time, I would happily recommend you say that to my face and learn who the whimp really is. ;-) But, I'm only half serious. LOL! I get that people are just trying to help, but you need to understand you are sadly over-simplifying things.

So, thank you to those of you with helpful advice. Once I am at a place (and that is coming very soon) where I feel I am ready to move on from my relationship, I am determined to finally start to get over all this crap that has held me back in life. As a matter of fact, I honestly feel nearly 100% ready now. I'd just sort of like to have my divorce finalized before I go about re-entering the dating scene. I mean, if it seemed that was going to drag on, I may stop waiting. But, ideally, I would like to not have to still be technically married while trying to re-start my search for my dream girl.

I do want to say one thing...

No hard feelings to anybody. I know some of you are trying to give tough love type advice, and I appreciate that you mean to help. But, before you start giving advice to others, you need to realize how badly you are over-simplifying things. Some of you are giving advice that basically amounts to "Stop being so shy." That is like telling a drug addict "Stop being addicted." LOL! Maybe some of you have never suffered through being as extremely shy as some of us on this board have. The fact of the matter is, for people who are extremely shy like us, that will NEVER change. What CAN change is the way you react to it. Hence why, as I said, I am determined to finally start making those steps on my own. Giving advice that basically amounts to "stop being shy" is not helpful. Trust me. We hear that crap all the time. If it were that easy, don't you think we'd do just that?

[FlaCooln]

Amen brother! I love that show How I Met Your Mother and really identify a lot with it. I am a lot like you a hopeless romantic and very logical person. I am not shy, but I do completely understand your search for love being 32 and recently single again (ended a 6 month relationship a few weeks ago). To me it seems much harder to put myself other there like I did when I was a little younger in college/grad school. It is also harder to find a woman who is compatable with you because as we get older our checklist of what we seek has way more stuff on it.

Seems to me like you are in a good place, get that divorce settled, do something for yourself, and then get back out there!

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks, bro! I appreciate it. :-) Also great to finally meet a fellow How I Met Your Mother fan here. I keep going on and on about the show, but it doesn't seem like anybody else is all that interested. LOL! Honestly, it is funny, but I can relate myself so much to that show.

As I have said many times before, I am basically Ted Mosby. At least as it relates to his love of love, and constant search for his soulmate.

But, funny enough, I can also relate to that show in that what I WANT to be is Lilly and Marshall. LOL! When I think about what I want in a relationship, THAT is what I want. Lilly and Marshall. They are so very much in love, and are virtually inseparable. All the same, it isn't like they actually are LITERALLY inseparable. There have been plenty of times when Lilly and Robin hang out separately, or Ted, Marshall, and Barney hang out separately. So, they CAN be apart (they aren't one of THOSE couples who nobody likes because they can NEVER be apart), but they don't necessarily want to be, as much as they can help it. That, and they compliment each other so perfectly. They are both so wonderfully goofy, which I absolutely love.

Anyways, blah blah blah. LOL! I could go on and on about that show.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. ;-) Good advice. And, really, I am just about at a point when I am ready to get back out there.

[FAndrews]

Also a massive fan of that show and find Ted very easy to relate and want the kind of relationship that Lily and Marshall want , and just like him i want to find the right one now. clearly you are at a better point than me, but then again you are older. you just need to get yourself out there more or that is what i say to myself all the time.

[Cbud92]

I share your problem. I think it's a part of being a pleaser in a relationship, maybe because you just want to please them for the possible reward you'll get from it... or because you simply want to make them happy.

for me, I'm a romantic and a pleaser because I just want to make that special someone happy.. but it doesn't always give the results you'd hope in a relationship.

[TheEvilJester]

All right, FAndrews! Beginning to think more and more that you and I were separated at birth. LOL!

Cbud, I know just what you mean. I have that too. When I am in a relationship (heck, even at times with just a friendship) I aim to please. The problem guys like us can fall into way too easily is when that gets taken advantage of in a relationship. That was one of my biggest mistakes with my mistake of a relationship. I always felt like I was bending over backwards to make her happy, and she was too selfish to do a damn thing for anybody who wasn't her. There has to be compromises in every relationship. Granted, I'm not talking huge compromises. If there are huge compromises, then maybe the two people aren't supposed to be together in the first place. But, every relationship comes with a little compromise. When one party is completely unwilling/incapable of compromise, it is bad enough. Couple that with guys like us who tend to be people pleasers and you can see where that gets dangerous for us. I learned that the hard way before and will never make that mistake again.

[FlaCooln]

Wow....another pleaser here too...lol. I believe in treating people how I would like to be treated. But, we have to remember there has to be a give and take and a relationship is suppose to be a partnership. It is easy for that to get away from us.

Prior to my last 6 month relationship I was with my exex GF for almost 5 years. It was tough getting back out there after that. I met a few women, but nothing to date seriously. I decided to join Match for a bit and met my ex through there. Nice woman, pleaser, and fun. But, had major baggage, emotional damage, and just a little bit crazy. She was just a too uneven for me, as I am easy going guy.

It is hard, so many women in my age range just have so much baggage and past assholes who have messed them up.

[FAndrews]

Sad but true, it seems you need to be realistic, but then again I'm a head-over-heels kind of guys and will always be a romantic, i always like helping and making people happy kind of guy, probably why I'm in care work! 'Treat people how you want them to treat you' is one of the sayings i live by.

[markspring0124]

Definitely agree with the above post.