friends in need

[DalM0m]

This is a definitely a "tough love" tell it like is group so in that spirit . . .

I have a dear friend who is looking for somebody to help her make connections so she can get a better job. She really hates the one she has.

I have a few of the types of connections she needs but I don't want to use them on her behalf. In the past when I have tried to help her, she would do something that would end up ruining the relationship for me, which costs me money & clout.

I feel bad & my heart breaks for her but on the other hand I can't afford to have her do something else that makes the people I introduce her to think poorly of me. My friend tends to have a chip on her shoulder & blames everyone else for her predicaments.

How do I get over my guilt? I'm loathe to tell her outright no; for now I just keep saying I can't think of anybody who could help her. That's sort of the truth because I truly can't identify anybody who I am willing to sacrifice my relationship with on her behalf.

[basilandthyme]

DalM0m, you're doing the right thing - and frankly, you have nothing to feel guilty over.

I'm just going to throw one thought out there: You say that she's a dear friend, so I imagine you're the type of person who accepts others warts n' all. Thing is; I think that the ability to be honest with our friends is important (of course done in a tactful manner) and this is clearly a sticking point right now. Is the problem that she would hate you if you were honest about the outcomes of trying to help her in the past? If so, I just wonder about having a friendship with someone who can't see fault in her own actions...

For what it's worth, I too would probably also just say "I can't help", but the lack of ability to be honest would really bother me.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

How is she wanting you to use your connections? To get a job? To get customers?

Regardless, if she has been a detriment to you professionally, in any way, I think you are 100% warranted in telling her no, and I don't think you even need to give an explanation. If I knew how she was asking you to help I might have more to add. How did she burn you in the past, and what is she asking you to do for her now?

[DalM0m]

She has a political job. She wants me to introduce her to my political contacts so they can use their influence to get her a better job. The way the field works, it's not what you know but who you know. {please don't turn this into a political debate because I don't really care about the relative merits of the system}

In the past she would tell me she wanted to me a nice guy with some stability. I introduced her to a great guy -- who while not a male model -- was still handsome & had his act together. She was outright rude to him. She blew him off for their date (she called at the very last minute) and she played games with him. I knew him professionally & he said her behavior made him question my judgment & ability to read people. The worst part is that even if the romantic thing didn't work out, I told her that he could have been a great source of business for her. He was looking to refer clients who needed her kinds of services. For that connection alone I expected she would have been more professional.

She has dated some high profile people who are high earners but she always sabotages those relationships by demanding things they are very clear they won't give her. One guy didn't want to introduce her to his kids because she was their age. At first she said fine, then over time she became more insistent. When she wouldn't drop it, he dropped her. Yes, I can understand wanting to be part of the family but she knew going in this was a deal breaker for him. Other than that he treated her like gold & showered her with expensive things & trips, which is something she wanted. After that she started a FWB thing. I told her not to but she went ahead. She blew up at that guy when he wouldn't do family things with her parents. I tried to explain to her that expecting her "friend" to behave the same way her brother in law acted in the family was ridiculous.

From a man's perspective, my husband tells me there is something "off" about her. She also comes across as a bit of a gold digger. When I met my husband she told me not to date him because he wasn't accomplished enough. He has since graduated from college & gotten a great job. Now she says that my life is so easy because he takes care of me. he does but she wouldn't have even taken a chance on him back then, so I don't appreciate that she's so resentful now.

She does do nice things for other people but somehow they come back to bite her. After the hurricane she let a whole family live with her for about 6 months. Yet when they needed to hire a professional in her field, before she got the gov't job she has now, they hired somebody else. I don't know those people so I don't know what happened. But it's typical & more evidence that something is just wrong with her.

I have referred clients to her in the past & her treatment of them caused them to either fire her or call me screaming.

She has a tendency to blame other people. For example, in trying to be helpful, I asked if she was going to an upcoming industry convention. She said she'd never heard of it. It's existence is a matter of public record. You can't pick up a newspaper in this state without reading multiple stories about it in it's 100 year existence. She then blamed me for not taking her to it a few years ago when I held a high profile position. While I was in that position, I did get her a job within the organization which I anticipated that she would use to springboard herself into whatever she wanted to do next. She didn't; she just complained that she never got anything out of the organization. I didn't go to the aforementioned convention when I held the high profile job & it would have been inappropriate for the organization I was in to attend. I explained that to her but she still said I should have done a better job educating her about these kinds of opportunities. I'm not sure when that became my responsibility.

Probably the best example is that she always complains that her life sucks because she didn't go to medical school. She had the undergraduate major & grades to go if she wanted to try. Years later, another mutual friend paid for her to take the MCAT & the prep class. She never went to either. (I just found this out recently). Yet she still complains that her life sucks because she's not a doctor. But she now blames him for the failure of her business. Candidly I think the business & her personal life were financially mismanaged.

Despite knowing all this, I still feel bad about not sticking my neck out again to help her. Slap me upside the head, please. {gently though}

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She sounds like a total cunt, not even worthy of friendship. Tell her you're never going to introduce her to another professional contact because of how she previously hurt a professional relationship you had. She sounds very immature, so she probably won't understand why you don't want to, and will decide to stop talking to you. At that point you should be grateful to be rid of such a worthless leech. I'm curious, how do you benefit from this "friend"..I'd guess she's using you like she does everyone else.

I'm not surprised at all that guy you set her up with questions your judgement.

[DalM0m]

Language, language, language . . . . I know you can be blunt. I'd prefer you not be brutal.

That aside, I ask myself what I get out of this all the time lately. We studied together in school, years ago. She used to help me with fashion. She was very helpful when I opened my business in the same industry as hers -- she opened her books to me so I could see how to organize it; she helped me arrange my space; she sent me clients in the beginning (Without her I would not have gotten off the ground so easily); and she was somebody to talk to / commiserate with because we had similar dilemmas but then my business started to flourish and I entered into a great relationship with my now husband. After that she just seemed to resent me.

As for the guy who questioned my judgment . . . she had been . . .let's just say not as bad . . . when I offered the introduction. I didn't even fix them up per se. They both attended a party I threw & I told them in advance I thought they should chat. When he asked her out, she could have said no & that was my point to her after she played games.

[basilandthyme]

Oops, we cross posted.

[basilandthyme]

DalM0m, you're a more forgiving woman than I. She sounds toxic. Frankly, I would have ended the relationship long ago: Truth be told, I've ended friendships over far less than what she's done.

I know you feel grateful for how she helped you long ago, but that isn't enough to justify keeping her in your life.

Tell me, if/when you imagine removing her from your life, how does it feel? And what does your hubby think about the friendship? (just asking because he's been witness)

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Okay, so it sounds like she was good friend up until you got involved with your husband. I get that you feel you owe a lot of what you have to her, but it's probably time to start distancing yourself. You were professional with the people she set you up with, she was not, and it sounds like she was just mean for no reason to boot. I know I would not have any trouble cutting someone off who I felt resented me for any reason, no matter what they've done for me.

You set them up. You can split hairs all you want, but the fact is, you are the connection and you encouraged it. No big deal, you were trying to do something nice. You say she was "not as bad", but that still implies she was bad. Again, water under the bridge. To then set her up again, would be an egregious breach of good judgement. Your "not as bad" comment suggests she has gotten worse. It sounds like you've let a lot go, but at this point it doesn't sound like she's worth staying in contact with at all. To me, at least.

[Manishasharma]

Hi DalM0m
Yes i am agree with your view, one friend in need in our life.

[Empty Road]

Show her this video:

[bluesummer]

You know, it seems to me like the few things she did for you don't make up for the kind of horrible person she is. You have also done things to try and help her, but have been burned. It's not as if you owe her anything, and that includes a friendship. There's a point in your life where you just have to cut out toxic people, because they start to drain on you mentally. No one likes to lose a friend, but she really doesn't sound this would be a huge loss for you in the end.

I know people like her. They re constantly looking for people to prop them up (including emotionally) and hand them things, and for some reason have it in their head that it's their god given right. Your friend sees other people get the things they want in life, and even though they probably worked for them she assumes that those people should be going out of their way to make sure SHE is getting those things too.....without the effort. Talk about a dead weight. Honestly, maybe you should take less of her phone calls and become very 'busy' in the future.