I'm in college and need some serious advice/help...

[Jimlin000]

Hi, I'm about to finish my first semester of college and I've never had a girlfriend before and never took the time to learn about dating and all that jazz because of how focused I was on making good grades in middle school and high school. (which I did) But now, in college, I started learning from square one, and it seems so difficult from reading things about it, and listening to friends. I also met this girl like a week before college started and took her out for 3 months. She said she's never had a bf before, so we both just took things easy, but.... She lied to me hardcore once, led me on, said she wasn't ready, and then posted things saying how she loved a guy who apparently went into the marines and it hurt. I confronted her about it, because she knew my intentions and still continued to lead me on, and she gave me unclear answers which I didn't like at all so I walked out on her and haven't talked to her since. I've been meeting and talking to girls more and more and enjoy it. I actually took another girl out recently to the movies, but... there are just so many grey areas on this subject. I don't believe I'm ugly, but I also don't believe that super good looking either. My friend's girlfriend was confident that I could get a girlfriend if I wanted to, but I kind of didn't take it seriously... Anyways, I took this girl out and I started texting her, but now, I just feel like I may be going through a depression. I'm not complaining, not just sure how to handle it. I'm starting to get a feeling that I should maybe not date anymore and focus on school again because all these thoughts and curiosities on relationships are starting to become a distraction for my education, which really pisses me off. But then again, I think it sucks that I haven't experienced a strong form of affection, companionship, and intimacy that others have experienced. Is it wrong for me to think this way? Maybe I should just cut all ties with girls with this form of thinking. I took that girl to the movies (who's incredibly cute, I couldn't believe she went with me), but maybe it was just a hangout and not a date. See, these things are distracting. It's terrible. Anyways, I'm trying to be successful, but maybe my wanting to find someone I could relate to and show affection to is a terrible idea, and possibly even selfish? Every time I think about it though, I get a warm heat of happiness, but then realize that maybe it's just stupid and blind... Maybe someone could give me advice, or even ask me questions if you need to know more. Idk, maybe I'm just having a bad day today, but I feel like this a good critical moment I've experienced a few times before that I could express and come back to to reflect on. I just don't understand.... After taking that girl out (who seem to get comfortable with me and trust me) I just felt like I know how to think, be appropriate, and be myself, but also feel so dull. Like I'm no fun. What girl would like me being dull, you know? Also, there's just been another mess with another girl, but Idk about her.

[cosquin]

Sure that a girl will be a distraction that will disturb you with your studies. But it is also something that is worth living. Not everything has to be study; life thrives on a variation of things.
BTW...how old are you? I had my first girld friend at 25. Yes I was rather late but at 30 I was already married (not with my first one)

[Jimlin000]

I'm 19, and what you say is true. Life is very complex with many variables at play, but is it worth it? I mean, it's not just finding girls and having the confidence to talk to them. It's the fact that there are so many variables at play when it comes to dating and connecting with someone you like that's very very difficult for me because of how new I am to it. I thought I was doing everything right with the first girl I date when I got on campus too. She would spend time with me every week pretty much, I did some romantic stuff and landed a kiss, but then she lied to me, posted something of her with another guy she never mentioned to me, and just pretty much had me around for a "time filler". I'm sure I made many mistakes, and have probably even been used. Now I'm back to square one still trying to learn how this all works. There are so many different situations, and I'm unsure about how to go about reacting, or acting, to change things. I guess that's what I meant by all this dating stuff being a distraction. I just innocently wanted to know what the feelings of having someone really close to you that you can be intimate with. My grades are also being affected by this... Thanks for the advice thus far though.

[basilandthyme]

Jimlin, regarding the first girl that it didn't work out with: I suggest you cut her some slack. To me, it sounded like she was confused...or trying to figure out which man (if any) would be suitable for her. Thing is, people's feelings going into relationships are frequently not cut and dry...they do have grey areas and uncertainty. At any rate, I really don't see that she was a 'hardcore' liar. People do also change their minds...and a mind change doesn't mean that they previously lied.

As for the girl you took to the movies, it sounds like she had a good time and wants to stay in contact. Why would you dump her? Sure, given your ages it's unlikely to work long term....but you could have a lovely time with her while it lasts. And worst case, you'll walk away from he experience with some experience in dating and relationships.

[Jimlin000]

Thank you for the response. Yes, I understand what you're saying. I believe she was confused too. Plus, college is very very busy stuff that requires a lot of work. But unfortunately, there were many things that played into it, and she seemed to just have me on the side as her "time filler" even though I made some sacrifices of time I needed to spend time with her. And you can't necessarily say she's just as busy as I am with college and that's why it's hard because then she wouldn't have joined a sorority that had a terrible rep for partying and all that mess, which I'm not into. I don't plan on drinking alcohol for personal reasons involving my family's past. I took her out, paid for her, showed her affection with a kiss on the cheek (I knew she would not of liked a kiss on the lips) and I got nothing really in return so it made me confused and unsure if she really even liked me that way.... That's what irritated me too, I was doing all the thinking and pondering, while it seemed like she hadn't put much thought into it at all, which is why I walked out, so she could think about it instead, and I moved on.

[basilandthyme]

It's crap when you have a date who's not interested. How many times did you take her out?

[4 ratties]

I didn't have my first boyfriend til I was 21. Nothing wrong with that

[Jimlin000]

Quite a bit, and even on our birthday (our days are literally right next to each other) We went to dinner and a movie. Her's is a day after mine, so we went on my b day, and when I was taking her home, the clock struck midnight and I told her happy birthday in person....

[Jimlin000]

So you didn't really feel like you were missing out on much during that time? :/

[Bobman]

Relationships and studies are both important! Yeah, relationship problems can be a huge distraction but you should learn how to prioritise the right thing (girls and studies) at the right time. Its hard, but its the only way. If you can't, you're probably not ready - the only way is to find a girl that focus on good grades as well, so you could both push each other.

[DalM0m]

Jim

There are a lot of variables in dating & human interaction but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Unlike school work, where you study & you get a grade in line with how hard you worked, dating isn't all about you. There's another person involved whose arbitrary decisions can affect you.

The girl who led you on & then really wanted the Marine was not a nice person. I'm sorry she was your 1st dating experience but don't let her be the last.

College is time to learn & experience new things. Presumably you are in college working toward a degree to get a good job. That, however, is not the end of the story. Once you land that job to advance you will have to network & interact with peers & superiors. You need the social skills you will learn in college. They are almost as important as grades & deserve to have some attention paid to them.

I think the girl you took to the movies saw it as a date, especially if you paid. If you like her, make another date. this time hold her hand or even try for a goodnight kiss.

Staying active is the best antidote for depression so get yourself out there in whatever form that takes for you: clubs, IM sports, fraternities, study groups etc.

[Jimlin000]

Thank you so much for the deep insight. I understand what you're saying about how it's not all about me, I guess I'm just used to that because I've always been focused on school a lot (during middle school/high school) which was dependent solely on myself and my own responsibilities.

I agree, college definitely is a time for new experiences, which is kind of why I wanted to actually start dating and see if I can gain that new experience of close intimacy with someone really special. And it wasn't the fact that that girl didn't really like me that irritated me, it was the fact that she kept giving me false hope which caused me to sugar coat the situation. It was awful, I wish she would have told me from the start that she knew nothing would happen. And when I tried to talk to her about "us" she would just be like "I'm unsure. Are you seriously worrying about this?" and would get frustrated at times about it. I couldn't believe that, of course I'm gonna worry about it, that's because I cared.

The point you made about learning strong social skills was a very good point. There's no doubt in my mind that those set of skills will prove useful in my future career.

I'm not sure about holding hands or anything just yet. I met her literally 2 days before I took her to the movies and asked her if she would go to the movies with me because we could get to know each other better. But I did single her out compared to the other people we hanged out with, so she probably knew. Plus, she would've brought a friend too if she didn't think of it that way. It went well, but don't you think it would be too soon? She also said something that gave me a hint that she's kind of a cautious person when it comes to this type of stuff.

I'm probably going to try and stay more active. In fact, there is a club/organization I could jump into probably, but haven't yet. I may give them a shot. This college work is just swamping me, and it seems like I'm not alone after hearing from my friends. We're all trying to play "catch up".

[Jimlin000]

Ah, I see, thank you. I guess I do currently have an issue with my priorities at the moment. Unfortunately, I'm behind on college work now, and that's part of why I'm stressing so much...

[FlaCooln]

So let me see if I got your particulars right....So you are 19 and probably in your 1st or 2nd year of college, right?

You could insert my name with your story. I entered college in 2000 as virgin, never having had a real date or a GF. I too was an excellent student in high school (and that trend contiued through college). So, I completely understand you wanting to do well in your classes. However, college is the time to have fun and you have to balance studying with fun.

I totally agree with what DalMom said about the social skills you learn in college. Now is the time to meet women and make friends. Also, once you do get that GF and get some "experience" under your belt it will change you. For me it made me much more confident and that showed through every aspect of my life. Just make sure you understand that women your age are figuring everything out too and can be very fickel. So don't overanalyze everything, be truthful to yourself and others, and I am sure you will have a great time.

Make the best of it. College was some of the best and most carefree times of my life, so enjoy it!

[Jimlin000]

So should I really worry about "trying" to find someone to be in a relationship, or should I just sit back let things happen? Because nothing has really happened the past 19 years so it just makes me nervous. It's all very confusing to me...