Is there any more to relationships than sex?

[RyanJames]

Thank you HIA - can you tell me how long you have been married and how many relationships you had before please? I am trying to answer something for myself. When I was 19 I experienced my first love, it was very intense and I have never forgotten her. I wonder, had I been with her still if it would have been one of those star struck life long love things. I wonder if it was just a first love thing which would have faded over time or if indeed it was the real thing. Of course that is impossible to answer, but I wonder if generally (and I realise it is a generalisation) people who dont have many (or any) big loves before the person they marry, have a better chance of staying together in love all their lives with their spouse.

[RyanJames]

Thanks Vince, thing is for me the hanging out and the sex tends to get boring after a few years. Actually the sex tends to get boring first, its like I can hang out, have conversations and a lot of fun with people (girlfriends) way after the desire to behave like rabbits has faded. I think that sex (or the biological need to reproduce) is what causes us to seek out women and talk to them. For me I could quite happily have sex with an attractive girl on a one off basis, with no mental connection, but it is far far better to form a relationship and a friendship with mutual love, respect and caring, but then when the sex gets dull, what does one do? I have lately found a way to relate to people that seems to solve this, in that I am still very much good friends with my last 4 ex's - like, really, really good friends, with no jealousy or regrets on either side, but I am wondering if it is just me who find the sex gets boring after a while or if it is general and how other people handle that, or how other people keep the sex interesting.

[RyanJames]

Interestingly I currently consider the opposite to be true. I think sex is what we are supposed to be doing, from a biological perspective. Sex with lots of different people and purely for reproductive purposes, but when we find someone who we get on with so well that we fall in love with them, and have all that multi layered stuff that Smackie mentions, then that is the bonus. In other words it seems to me easier to find people to have sex with than it does to find people to truly love.

[RyanJames]

I hope there is a simple answer, its just that we haven't found it yet Just like any of those complex things that people have achieved an understanding of throughout history, taking flight as an example - people took ages to figure it out but now it is considered very basic and simply physics. The areas of love, relationships and sex are still shrouded in mystery and controversy, there are no realistic teachings that give youngsters any sort of understanding as they wander haplessly into their adult lives and are suddenly and irrevocably faced with the thunderous rapture of unknown emotions. The result is that many people experience the hopeless pain of heartbreak only to pick themselves back up and go and do it all over again! And those are the lucky ones, the unlucky ones, in disturbingly growing numbers, end up as the victim of violence, mental abuse, or even self harm and curtailed existences. So the stakes are high and we really must, as a race take it seriously.

To me it is a little like smoking! That seemed like a good idea when tobacco was first discovered, it has taken years for us to figure out that it is a really bad thing health wise and even longer to get to a point where that is generally accepted in modern society. We still have the developing world to educate on that subject and the tobacco companies to fight, but at least we have a universally acknowledged truth on which to base our battle stance.

I think the subject of love and relationships is one of the most complex issues mankind has ever faced, we still live in a world where women are murdered for losing their virginity before marriage and it is 2013! But I think that there is a wave of global consciousness building towards researching, understanding and finally solving the issues associated with love.

[basilandthyme]

Thanks so much for your valuable input B&T, wow 21 years, that is some going - congrats. I want to know your secrets lol Can I ask a few more probing questions please? The things I am interested in are - Had you had many relationships before you met your husband? Have you had your fair share of arguments or has it been plain sailing in terms of how you get along? Have you ever gotten close to breaking up and why? How much of an influencing factor on you two sticking together have the kids been (or not)? and finally, how have you managed to keep from getting noted with the same person both psychologically and sexually for 21 years? I realise these are direct questions and I am hoping the anonymity of the forum will allow you to provide a candid response, however I will completely understand if anything I have asked is a bit too personal.

Yes, we have both had relationships before we met each other. I had a few boyfriends and a failed marriage under my belt and he had a few girlfriends and some stints as a solo guy.

Arguments? Well we do disagree from time to time, but we don't raise our voices: Problems are solved by listening and trying to understand what the other is saying...and by compromise and understanding. I would say it's been pretty much plain sailing. We've never nearly broken up.

I believe in not giving up on a relationship easily when you have kids, so if there were problems I'd try harder to solve them for the sake of providing a healthy family unit.

Noted?? In context, I guess it means 'bored'. Truth be told, the sex drive has dipped somewhat - but we still enjoy it when we do it. We don't get bored because we genuinely enjoy each other's company.

[RyanJames]

lol, thank you, yes I did mean bored Thanks again for the comprehensive response. You make a good point that actually having some experience of relationships is useful in being able to maintain one in the long term. Also, I believe in solving problems in a respectful and constructive way (my ex wife didnt!) The dipping sex drive thing is an issue for me though - not yours, mine lol, I am wondering if prolonged, passionate and "hungry" sex can only be achieved with new (ish) partners and therefore we have to sacrifice that for the benefits of an LTR, or if it is still possible to achieve and who one might go about doing that. Heaven knows I have tried in several LTRs to make the sex better, using concepts such as tantra and involving third parties but nothing seems to have worked out so far. Plus for me it is easy to meet partners so I wonder if that I am too easily incentivised to find someone else rather than solve inherent issues.