Called the Police

[VincenzoG91]

My girlfriend and I had a couple of nasty conflicts early this year, but managed to get past that and rebuild the relationship. Things got stressful again in recent months, as I lost my job while she is struggling with two part-time jobs and a difficult semester of classes. One of her five classes is an online Finance class which I have been doing for her. I do all the problem sets online and take the tests online, so she can focus on her other four classes. I am also tutoring her in Quantitative Analysis, which is kind of silly because I never took that class when I was in college, and I don't use quantitative analysis in my career, so I don't know the material any better than she does. But I am somewhat good with numbers, so I study each chapter and then help her through the homework and help her study for the exams. It's tough, because some of the material isn't even in the textbook and is only covered in the lectures.

This morning, we were rushing to finish a difficult problem set that was assigned two days ago and due this morning. We were 90% done but only had about 20 minutes left before she needed to go, when she stopped working on the problem and started blaming me for not being better prepared. I tried to get her to re-focus on the problem. She needs to pass this class to graduate, and she is going to fail this class if we don't get about 90% of the remaining points in the class. She kept nagging me to apologize for not being better prepared and I got impatient and told her to stop acting stupid. She got mad, I called her more names, and then she started throwing my stuff on the floor. Just a big stack of blank notecards at first, then papers and small objects like pens and pencils. I told her to leave, so she walked out into the next room and started throwing more stuff on the floor. I told her to leave or I would call the police. She continued to throw stuff on the floor. I tried to push her towards the door and she warned me that I had just committed assault. I let go, and she started throwing stuff on the floor in the kitchen. Nothing breakable so far. I started throwing her stuff outside, including her laptop. She refused to leave and kept throwing (non-breakable) stuff on the floor, then started throwing weightier objects down the basement stairs. I called the police.

Once I called the police, she stopped throwing stuff on the floor, but still refused to leave. We talked a bit more calmly then, and I got dressed in warmer clothes under the assumption that I would be going to jail for assault. She told me that she would press charges.

Two police cars arrived. One officer talked to me outside while the other one talked to her inside. I told the officer honestly what had happened, without trying to make myself look good. I concluded by apologizing and saying that she and I are both stupid people. I also told him that we are both going through a tough time: I'm unemployed and she has a heavy load of work and school.

The other officer helped her pick up her belongings and they made her leave. The officer talking to me advised me to talk things over with her on the phone before seeing her face to face again. Nobody got arrested.

While I was tossing her stuff outside, I started to feel ashamed about the whole situation, and even sorry that she was under such stress.

[Boisdevie]

Vince. From your postings here you seem to be a genuinely nice guy. But you deserve better than her don't you think?

[Syne]

If the relationship is getting to the point where you feel the need to involve the authorities, it's over. Did you know that throwing stuff around, even unbreakable items, is considered abuse? I dated a woman that would throw things around when she was angry, break things etc. It escalated to her pushing me around and then hitting me. She's throwing things and you're pushing her and throwing things - get out of that situation before it gets worse. You two are NOT a good fit for each other. Don't feel ashamed - just think of it as a learning opportunity. Don't let it get to that point again.

[pcmaster]

You should asked her leave classroom straight away when she started to show disrespect to a teacher.

But if seriously she did act crazy and better would be apoligize just for the sake of peace. Always only with good with crazy people. Do you want to call her and ask how is she? She could be just as sorry as you.

Good Luck with finding a job ^_^!

[VincenzoG91]

I did some bad things when I was young. Theft. Vandalism. A few fights in school. When I was 10, I pushed a friend off the monkey bars on the playground just for laughs, and he hit head and got a mild concussion. I lost my virginity at 15 to the girl next door, who was even younger and also a virgin. I dabbled in drugs a bit in my 20s and 30s, and used prostitutes in my 30s. I never got caught or arrested for anything except a vandalism thing when I was 15 that got me 200 hours of community service. Otherwise I was a pretty nice guy, and I have worked to become a better person as each year goes by.

So I would like to think that I deserve better than her, but deep down I haven't forgiven myself entirely for the past, and I probably never will. I have also not been great about how I have handled this relationship over the years. Sometimes I used to get mad and call people names, but now I have enough self-control to avoid that, except sometimes with her. I just couldn't handle it this morning, even with what I learned in the anger management class. We were so close to finishing the assignment when she started wasting time on blame, and that really frustrated me. And when she started throwing everything on the floor, nothing I had been taught was helpful. Walking away was no good, because she was continuing to make a mess. I couldn't leave the house, because she might escalate and start breaking dishes or even damage my computers. I couldn't reason with her. She wouldn't stop and she wouldn't leave. Physically trying to force her to leave could be construed as assault. So I had to call the police, even though I wanted some other option instead.

And of course I still love her. I have loved her for ten years now, and I can't just turn those feelings off, even right now. To leave her now would leave her unable to pass two of her classes, unable to afford textbooks and classes next semester, and unable to support herself without dropping out of college. She only has one semester plus two summer classes to get her degree. It would be cruel to leave her at this time. But it will be tough to recover from what happened today. I'm going to avoid talking to her for a few days while I give this more thought.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

More of the same. You completely brought it on yourself this time. Are you finally ready to stop supporting this lazy, cheating cuntbag yet? She deserves to be left in whatever situation she puts herself in..as do you.

[dickriculous]

If the relationship is getting to the point where you feel the need to involve the authorities, it's over. Did you know that throwing stuff around, even unbreakable items, is considered abuse? I dated a woman that would throw things around when she was angry, break things etc. It escalated to her pushing me around and then hitting me. She's throwing things and you're pushing her and throwing things - get out of that situation before it gets worse. You two are NOT a good fit for each other. Don't feel ashamed - just think of it as a learning opportunity. Don't let it get to that point again.

Save your breath. Vincenzo knows damn well that he should've left this relationship a long time ago. There's no way he doesn't. He posted a thread almost identical to this awhile back and EVERYONE all but begged him to run from her and never speak to her again, it was so clear and plain as day that she can't be trusted that no amount of delusion would convince anyone otherwise. This isn't a case of someone not knowing that they need to get out of the relationship, it's a case of them being unwilling. Vincenzo knows what to do, he simply doesn't want to do it.


As for you Vincenzo, start taking steps now to protect yourself from false rape and assault accusations that could come as soon as this relationship burns to ashes. Don't touch her in any way and get rid of all traces that you ever had your hands on her in any shape or form. I don't really know all of the steps so you'd do best to start researching this on your own and apply what you learn immediately. You will still suffer from these accusations and she will get away with them unpunished but if you're prepared for it at least you have a chance of getting away with only moderate damage done. Ideally, you would take these steps THEN leave her forever, as then at least you have that extra little bit of control over the situation - any little bit helps where you're at. But if you won't do that then start protecting yourself and preparing for these false accusations ahead of time to the best of your ability for when the relationship falls apart because you know it will even if you don't want to believe it.

[VincenzoG91]

We haven't had sex anytime recently. Time of the month right now, plus work and school has had her too stressed out in recent weeks. She isn't lazy, she is taking very challenging classes at a small but respected university. She is a good student, but lacks confidence in her writing skills and her ability to handle math. She has horrible time management skills and has tendency to take on more than she can handle and then insist that I help her.

I don't want to make a hasty decision today, especially while so stressed out and short on sleep. But I agree that this could be the end of the relationship. Calling the police is not a trivial thing to me, it's a really big deal because of my own past. To take that step makes me think that this we just aren't going to be able to recover from this. I would like to try, but not unless I see her willing to change for the better. I'm going to go no contact for a week and see if she reaches out to me. In the mean time, I will continue to process what has happened, both recently and in the past.

[Boisdevie]

Look Vincenzo, you're trying too hard to save this as some way of making recompense for stupid shit you've done in the past. Let it go man. The past is gone and you can't change it. But what you can is do better now and tomorrow and all the tomorrows to come. Part of the doing better is to look after yourself and trying to keep this shitty relationship alive is not helping you to do better. Her problems are her problems. Some problems you can't fix. I was a drunk and nobody but me could fix that. Thankfully I did. You can't fix her. But keep on with this and you'll break yourself. And I for one would not like for that to happen. Being a nice guy is great but being a doormat isn't.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She is not a good student. She is a cheater. You are taking classes for her you twit."Lacks confidence in her writing and math skills"...well Jesus ****ing Christ, what tangible skills are left? Stop making excuses for this lazy, cheating excuse for a human being. She's ****ing worthless. A leech. A bottom-feeder.Nothing good comes from her. She'll never amount to anything. Worthless. As long as you accept it, you shouldn't forgive yourself, and you don't deserve any peace or happiness. Deep down I think you enjoy the self loathing, you sick ****.

[searock]

Vince. From your postings here you seem to be a genuinely nice guy. But you deserve better than her don't you think?

I agree with everything except for the "but". He seems to be a genuinely nice guy, therefore he deserves better.

[smackie9]

It's 10 years of excuses......when is it going to be enough?

[pcmaster]

Dont think its worth it if you want her to change. You could aswell realise that womens are emotional and pretty much more stupid than men because of the emotional side taking over logical thinking. Shes immature and you as older person could be a father figure in situation. You both should want to work this out. It was clearly poor communication.


From my expierience this could lead to a point where you both wish you never met eachother. Unless you both can talk about feelings.

[VincenzoG91]

I just need to think this over before talking to her again. Just last week, I was thinking about the relationship in a very different way. Despite the stress, things had been getting better between us. I can honestly say that our communication has never been better than it has been in the last six months. (I was thinking about posting just that in an old thread that I started here, but it seemed like I would just be bragging, so I didn't do that.) We were getting along well, having fewer disagreements, resolving the ones we had more easily than ever before. We haven't had sex recently, but the last time that we did, it was intensely enjoyable. So last week, I was seriously thinking to myself that I just can't even picture life without her anymore, and we should get married after she graduates.

Now, I have serious doubts and concerns about the future. I am even mentally rehearsing the breakup but I just can't visualize a future without her. I'm not talking about suicide, I just mean that my mind can't work out a daily existence that doesn't include her. On the other hand, I can now visualize a future visit by the police, and probably called by her next time around.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Start visualizing.