Am I in the right or wrong in this argument ?

[Ozileyes]

Ok sorry this is so long
The situation is I'm living just out side of London at the moment and my girlfriend lives 4 hours away by train, we're goin out 18 months now and we met on a night out in London, we've been through so much together and i even stayed with her for 5 months when she went to America for university. I love her a lot but we just argue constantly and it's to the point where I always back down in the end and it's got to the stage where I don't even know when I'm in the right anymore.

We had a huge argument on the night of her birthday and it's like every time we do now she's like awww what's the point in us and iv wasted so much time with you, says I don't care about her feelings and what's important to her. It was her birthday on Wednesday and I couldn't be there because I was working late and I have exams soon so I was studying all day. I texted her happy birthday and I love you and everything and said il chat to her later after work and she was out enjoying her birthday. We chat every night for at least an hour 2 hours. I cleared the weekend off worked days I don't usually so I could travel up to her for her birthday. I tried to get off early on Friday so I could travel up but the boss won't let me so I said I'd get the early 8 o clock train on Saturday morning and she kept fighting with saying it don't know what's important to her and I don't care because I said I'd be up Friday and I can't now. She wanted me to get the 11 o clock at night train and I do be wrecked. This is me not caring and she knows i suffer from anxiety from time to time and iv been very stressed the last few weeks.

She reckons I don't care and I'm not bothered an when we were on the phone I wasn't very chatty but I was just really tired and I was trying my best cause she said she couldn't chat til 11:30 so after an hour of her keep going on about me saying I'd be there on Friday and I can't she was like what's the point in coming up for less than 2 days. This went on for an hour and I just wasn't in the humour of arguing anymore so the chat ended.. Now I'm the worst in the world. I don't care about her feelings cause I'd even argue with her on her birthday. I know it's her birthday but does that give her the right to just be a spoilt brat or am I in the wrong? I just don't know anymore

[TablesandChairs]

Difficult to say based on just one example. Personally? I make more of an effort on my partners birthday and I work full-time and study too...it's one day a year so if I'm tired, I drink some coffee and don't complain. It was the weekend anyway so you could have slept on the train for a few hours, had some caffeine...if she is constantly complaining and being unreasonable, that's a different story but I can understand her wanting you to be there on the actual night...if she didn't care, that'd be worse in my opinion.

[Ozileyes]

I have made an effort the troubles I went to to get her present and everything, I know it's one day a year but I travel up 2 out of every 3 weeks I'm exhausted. I have many times gone down at like 7 or 8 on the train and that's after been up since half 6 in the morning for work..I travelled over to America for 2 weeks to see her, got myself into heaps of debt

[TablesandChairs]

In that case, she needs to be reasonable. What I would do: instead of entering into fights when she says that you don't care or don't make enough effort, make a list of all the things you have done which show you do care. Something like:

a) I travel for 4 hours every second week just to see you because I love you.
b) I traveled to the US and got into debt just to see you because I love you.
c) ...and so forth.

Finish it off by saying you're not listing these things because you resent doing them - you did them because you wanted to BUT you need her to see how unreasonable she is being when she says you don't do this/do that.

When do you think you'll be able to move closer together? Four hours is a fair distance and it's clearly tiring you out.

[Boisdevie]

I love her a lot but we just argue constantly and it's to the point where I always back down in the end

If you're arguing all the time then you have a crap relationship. So end it and find someone that you can spend time with without arguing all the time.

[Syne]

Have you heard of the book The 5 Love Languages? This reminds me of a situation in that book. It was a husband and wife; the husband had been there for her multiple times in past occasions but because he wasn't there for her during a specific event that was important to her she was extremely hurt and it was a catalyst in their relationship. The gist of it was that people respond to different ways of saying you care - it sounds like she didn't put much thought into you coming to visit her (not saying that's right) but you showing up for that event - her birthday - was more important.

What I would suggest is try showing you care in different ways. Don't kill yourself and your funds going to see her, just make sure you can be there for times she personally feels are special. Not just general hanging out type things. The book explained it a lot better than I did; picking up a copy might help if you want to save things.

[Valixy]

As long as you aren't constantly prioritising other people or hobbies over spending time with her but you simply can't avoid your work obligations, you can't be in the wrong here. If you had gone there by 11 o'clock on Friday night you would have been too tired to celebrate anyway. Most people celebrate their birthdays at weekend and Saturday could have been perfect for you two but I can understand her initial frustration if you had made plans for that night and suddenly had to postpone them. Maybe next time you shouldn't promise you'll be there on Friday evening if you could be doing extra time at work and left with the only option to travel in the middle of the night which is not suitable for you if you want to have a proper rest at the end of your work week and before starting the weekend. Try to be realistic when you set a date with her especially if you can't control your work programme and you need some time for yourself too.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She sounds like a stupid bitch. Dump her and move on.

[Wakeup]

I have made an effort the troubles I went to to get her present and everything, I know it's one day a year but I travel up 2 out of every 3 weeks I'm exhausted. I have many times gone down at like 7 or 8 on the train and that's after been up since half 6 in the morning for work..I travelled over to America for 2 weeks to see her, got myself into heaps of debt

Find someone closer to where you live and chalk this one up to a "fling" that has caused you to be financially strapped. It's run it's course. Don't let this thing you have going take you down anymore. You invest and you invest and you're getting very little in return. It's time to sell before you're emotionally and financial bankrupt.

[Bobman]

Ok sorry this is so long
The situation is I'm living just out side of London at the moment and my girlfriend lives 4 hours away by train, we're goin out 18 months now and we met on a night out in London, we've been through so much together and i even stayed with her for 5 months when she went to America for university. I love her a lot but we just argue constantly and it's to the point where I always back down in the end and it's got to the stage where I don't even know when I'm in the right anymore.

We had a huge argument on the night of her birthday and it's like every time we do now she's like awww what's the point in us and iv wasted so much time with you, says I don't care about her feelings and what's important to her. It was her birthday on Wednesday and I couldn't be there because I was working late and I have exams soon so I was studying all day. I texted her happy birthday and I love you and everything and said il chat to her later after work and she was out enjoying her birthday. We chat every night for at least an hour 2 hours. I cleared the weekend off worked days I don't usually so I could travel up to her for her birthday. I tried to get off early on Friday so I could travel up but the boss won't let me so I said I'd get the early 8 o clock train on Saturday morning and she kept fighting with saying it don't know what's important to her and I don't care because I said I'd be up Friday and I can't now. She wanted me to get the 11 o clock at night train and I do be wrecked. This is me not caring and she knows i suffer from anxiety from time to time and iv been very stressed the last few weeks.

She reckons I don't care and I'm not bothered an when we were on the phone I wasn't very chatty but I was just really tired and I was trying my best cause she said she couldn't chat til 11:30 so after an hour of her keep going on about me saying I'd be there on Friday and I can't she was like what's the point in coming up for less than 2 days. This went on for an hour and I just wasn't in the humour of arguing anymore so the chat ended.. Now I'm the worst in the world. I don't care about her feelings cause I'd even argue with her on her birthday. I know it's her birthday but does that give her the right to just be a spoilt brat or am I in the wrong? I just don't know anymore

Tell her how you feel. Just do it.