How does my 'friend' really feel?

[sophie25]

Over the last few yrs I've gotten to know a family friend. We hit it off immediately. (he was & still is in a relationship, they now have an unplanned child together). We began by just enjoying one anothers company & inviting one another out quite frequently when having a get together. We then started flirting & making it obvious that we were attracted to one another. Then , a few things happened in both our lives & we were there for one another & began caring for one another. We missed one another when we didn't see each other & always looked forward to the next get together.
I then , told him one drunken night (via text) that I wanted to be with him (I'm unhappily married & wanted to leave it). He told me that I needed to decide what I really want & that if things were different, he'd be hassling the life out of me.
I apologised the next day & he said that he would be delighted if he was single.
Time passed & we remained friends, then his partner got pregnant. it hurt me immensely & I kept my distance for several months. When we did meet up again, it was obvious he'd missed me.
A few months ago, we had a night out & began texting again (like we used to) when we'd got home.
We said things like how we wish we didn't feel this way but can't help it, how we make one another's heart flutter, how special & glad we are that we met & how we wish we were together that night in bed.
He suggested we meet up to talk & promised to text next day...he didn't despite since stating that he doesn't feel we will achieve anything by meeting up but will always be there for me. We've not spoken since.

I wish to point out that once I'd 1st told him I really liked him, he has avoided us being alone.

Any ideas what is going on for him?

[basilandthyme]

He's avoiding you so that he can prioritise his family.

[smackie9]

He realized that this had turned in an emotional affair that could turn into a physical one, things were getting out of hand...He is avoiding a scandal.

[smackie9]

Sophie have you ever thought of going to couples counseling?

[Boisdevie]

Sohpie have you ever thought of going to couples counseling?

I doubt she's considered it. Much easier to bitch here and you don't even have to leave the house.

[sophie25]

Sohpie have you ever thought of going to couples counseling?

My husband refuses any sort of therapeutic support, for our marriage or one to one. It's a rare situation that I'm in with him as he is severely disabled & I feel almost responsible for him though I know that I'm not. But tbh, it's not my marriage I want advice on but thank you

[sophie25]

Please don't assume I've not considered it, the world isn't blk or white & things are much more complex than that. And I haven't bitched on hear one bit

[sophie25]

I doubt she's considered it. Much easier to bitch here and you don't even have to leave the house.

Please don't assume I haven't even considered it, the world isn't blk or white, things are more complex than that. And I haven't bitched on here one bit!

[smackie9]

Oh Don't worry about Boisdevie, he's just a little jaded from the many posters that don't actually come here for help when they say they do.

Anyways I just asked to get a little back ground....being caught up so emotionally with a unavailable man is a symptom, not the actual issue. I just wanted to help you because this sort of thing will get you really hurt. If you do not want anymore further help that's fine.

[sophie25]

Oh Don't worry about Boisdevie, he's just a little jaded from the many posters that don't actually come here for help when they say they do.

Anyways I just asked to get a little back ground....being caught up so emotionally with a unavailable man is a symptom, not the actual issue. I just wanted to help you because this sort of thing will get you really hurt. If you do not want anymore further help that's fine.

You're right, I am severely hurting. I know this man feels something for me but I understand he's doing the right thing by putting his family 1st but that doesn't help me to move on as I love him dearly. I appreciate your comment about it being a symptom & I'm confident that were I happy & satisfied at home, I wouldn't have put myself in a situation where I would get so close to another man. That said, he also put himself in this situation which made me think all wasn't rosy for him too. I definitely believe now that you can love two ppl at the same time.

Many thanks, I do appreciate your thoughts

[smackie9]

Have you ever expressed how you feel to your husband? You know, like the things that lack in your relationship? Maybe having an open marriage, or have an arrangement that you can proceed to have a relationship outside the marriage but still keep a companionship with your husband. Many do this out of convince. It's not for everyone one of course but some people are able to co-exist just fine with this type of arrangement. Just an idea.

[sophie25]

Have you ever expressed how you feel to your husband? You know, like the things that lack in your relationship? Maybe having an open marriage, or have an arrangement that you can proceed to have a relationship outside the marriage but still keep a companionship with your husband. Many do this out of convince. It's not for everyone one of course but some people are able to co-exist just fine with this type of arrangement. Just an idea.

In so many words yes & he keeps saying I need to find someone I can get what he can't give from but I know he doesn't mean this. He knows I'm not satisfied.

[smackie9]

Well maybe it's time to revisit this conversation with a more serious open and honest discussion. There is nothing worse than doing things behind your partner's back...you get wracked with guilt. I think if you approach this with heart felt honesty and set up some rules and boundaries like being discrete, don't talk about the details of what and who, no mention of names, always come home at night, etc. it might be something he can be agreeable with. Or just leave the marriage.

[sophie25]

Well maybe it's time to revisit this conversation with a more serious open and honest discussion. There is nothing worse than doing things behind your partner's back...you get wracked with guilt. I think if you approach this with heart felt honesty and set up some rules and boundaries like being discrete, don't talk about the details of what and who, no mention of names, always come home at night, etc. it might be something he can be agreeable with. Or just leave the marriage.

You're right. many thanks

[smackie9]

Best of luck to you and your healing. Don't forget about us, we always welcome updates from our posters