Hey, everyone...
Well, I return with bad news... I very well might have lost the very love I found a few months ago (For those of you who do not know, it's in this thread: http://www.loveforum.net/threads/84842-The-Best-of-Times?p=952029#post952029 ). Sorry about the length, but my downfall is kind of complicated for me, and it's best for me to write it all out... :S
You see, it was all a change that took place over the past two weeks. Looking back, I only wish I could have prevented myself from causing it. It was his birthday this past Sunday, and we were originally planning on spending the entire weekend together, of course around a family dinner his parents planned. I told him it was fine that we plan around it and to let me know. Well, the end of the week was rolling around, and I asked him, trying to see if we could alter our plans because he couldn't give me a definite answer. Long story story short, Dave got pissed off at the situation (not at me, mind you) and that he couldn't give me an answer. And my many apologies for feeling as though I brought on pressure that caused this frustration did not help at all...only aggravated him a little more.
But he held his tongue, only telling me to reread what he last wrote as reassurance. And then the weekend came and I took him out to dinner on Friday night when he was free. He was happy and we had a good time, but we also talked about what happened during the week. And Dave expressed how my apologies make him feel. Yet, we understood each other and moved on. Then, this past Monday, all hell broke loose...
My one friend found an old profile of his on a dating app, and of course I wanted to communicate with him, so I confronted him. It was late, and I probably should have handled it better instead of asking if he was happy and if he felt anything bad about us... He insisted he wasn't cheating- that it was just an old profile he never used but would be more than thrilled to get rid of the profile (he didn't have the app on his phone-deleted it before he met me), as he would feel the same way if he were in my shoes. And Dave even apologized for the way it happened...but I didn't sleep and neither did he. Now, I'm running on practically no sleep and trying to figure this out.
This morning, I tried calling him, as I was extremely upset still and worried that everything was going to shit... Boy was I right; he didn't answer, and I tried calling a few more times even though I knew I shouldn't have. I let my bad emotions get the best of me, and I wish I could undo that moment... He finally just ended up texting me not to call him because he was already aggravated and wasn't in the mood to talk-that he'd talk to me later. After going back and forth (not an argument, just him telling me he wanted to be left alone for now and me telling him he could have told me), we apologized to each other an hour later. Then this evening, I called him because I felt bad and apologized for my actions, as I knew they were childish and I wasn't proud of them. For a half an hour, Dave and I talked about how he felt.
Apparently, he was up all night because he was thinking about us- about the age difference and about my insecurities. He said he felt like he might have been putting me at a disadvantage because I might do better with someone younger. And he told me he doesn't really do insecurities, though he knows I'm trying to work on mine. And he doesn't want me to work on them for him, but for myself, which I agree with.
Overall, he was just colder and quiet, especially when I began to pour my heart out about how I feel about us- that there's still that something special about us and that we can work. I told him what a good impact he has on me by being in my life the way he is, but he said he wasn't sure and needed to think it over. So, we agreed to put that talk on hold and continue with how things are right now... But I'm scared I lost him, even though he still says he loves me very much and misses me when I'm gone.
Is there anything I can do to help this situation? I'm already trying to help myself (not for him, but for me because I'm tired of chasing guys away with how insecure I am) by going to the free psychological services on campus tomorrow to try and conquer my insecurities. But is he already gone? He said so many positive things about how he feels about me and loves spending time with me, despite the many negatives he revealed... And I'm scared I'm going to lose him- I miss the days we were cooking together in his apartment, when we would playfully bicker that I should have a coat on in the Fall's cold every time he went out on the balcony for a cigarette...
Please help me, and if anyone has any suggestions on how to help yourself conquer insecurities, please tell me...
I apologize for the length- my mind is just a blur right now.
I miss the day the photograph in the other thread was taken.