It has been a month now since my girlfriend and I broke up. We had a huge fight at the end which resulted in her storming for the door, only to never hear from again. I’m finding it hard to cope with.
I suprise myself with this, as she wasn’t even much of a girlfriend at all. I literally did everything for her and she kept me on a leash, kept me on the background in her life. For example, after not hearing for her for one day I decided to suprise visit her, only to be send back home. When her car was out of fuel I saved her and she just wove me goodbye. She never wanted to sleep over. She bossed me to get her food moments after she declined dinner at my house. She threatend me with breaking up if I’d join her to the cinema with her friends. She planned activities with friends way ahead while I got “mabye”. She went on a holiday alone because “her nephew wouldn’t allow a boyfriend”. Her dad even called me to say he accepted me because he was worried that I rarely visited their house (she wouldn’t let me). During christmas time I brought her her favourite candy and she was angry because I suprise visited her and thus invade her privacy. She spend an awfull lot of time with her phone when around me. I know it all sounds crazy, the list goes on, but while it made me angry at the time I somehow excused her for it all. We rarely went out in public and we’ve never done something with other people.
There were also intimate times. Like when a family member died, she was there for me. She’d call me in the middle night just to tell me her dreams about me. We texted all day. That sort of stuff. We had the best sex I ever experienced (got worse nearing the end though).
I adressed my issues with our relationship many times to her. She always said that sort of stuff pushed her more away from me. But I doubt it did. I honestly believe people in love treat eachother like golden, want to see eachother as often as possible. Don’t act annoyed if their love wants to kiss or hug. She rarely made me feel this way, often her distant behavior would break me in tears. When I lay my feelings upon her she replied she wanted to be independant and wasn’t ready for such a intimate relationship. She also replied she would think about changing things for me to feel better. They didn’t. This made sense but it wasn’t good for me because I wanted to build a future together. We sticked together and the fights and arguments kept happening and got increasingly worse. A year and a half later we broke.
Yet I ask myself. If I never really was happy with it all, if it couldn’t statisfy my needs. Why do I feel so bad about this break up? Is it because I wanted it to work? Is it because of the silence and solitude I experience now? I truly don’t know. If she’d only fight a bit for it more.
I’m lead a joyfull life, I study and work. Hobbies are keeping me occupied. But sometimes, it all just comes out. I never been a saint and sometimes would scream or say harsh things to her out of anger. I blame myself for not understanding her wants and needs. But I just could not accept her behavior anymore. Now, I’m a bit scared to miss out on a new relationship. I really hope time heals..