How to be less serious?

[csi369]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months, and the other day he told me that he feels like we are going in different directions, that our paths don’t match up. He says that he is confused and doesn’t know what he wants, although he still loves me and wants to be with me, yet his heart is telling him it is wrong. This makes no sense to me, if he loves me, why would he want to leave me? We kind of broke up, and then got back together after he told me he wanted to give us another try, and he told me he would just like us to chill out more, and not be so ‘full on’. He is worried about being in such a serious relationship so early in life, as we are only 18 and 19 years old. I know he loves me, however I am confused as to what he wants from this relationship. I know that I have become a little too dependant on him, which I think scares him, so just looking for some advice as to how to ‘chill out and relax’ in this relationship. I asked him if he wanted to spend less time together and have space, but he didn’t want that, he still wants to see me every weekend (as we have been for our whole relationship since we live 1 hour apart and both work 5 days a week) so just unsure as to how to be ‘less serious’.

Thanks!

[Biter]

Do you have more going on in your life other than your Boyfriend and work?
If the answer is 'not really, I guess I have some friends and hang out with them occasionally', likely your dependant on the boyfriend too much as you invest a large portion of your time with him as opposed to other things in life. Find things to keep you occupied (even if you just hang out with your friends more) and entertained other than just your boyfriend and you'll find you put your relationship on less of a pedestal. As you have other things you can do/work on to have fun with.

For example: I DJ and study psychology to keep myself occupied. As well as chill with friends way too much and when I'm seeing someone now she's just an extra fun part of my life: not the whole thing.

Also, he may just want to be free of all commitments and rules so he can live his own way. 'Commander of my own ship' type stuff. But is not fully sure he wants to do it. Hence on off nature of the relationship.

Hope this helps

[RyanJames]

Poor men who dont really understand their nature are often confused by this stuff. Their nature, the stuff they are really made of, sometimes referred to as their hearts and at other times their dicks, basically tell them to go around having sex with as many different women as possible. That is how we are designed by nature. Our society of course tells us the complete opposite. So poor guys get very confused, they want to have sex, they are DRIVEN to have sex, but in order to get sex they generally have to make out like they want a long term relationship with a girl. Of course in a lot of situations they genuinely do develop feelings for a girl, this is inevitable if you get on well with someone then you have feelings for them, but with guys it is not a one person thing. A guy can get feelings for many girls and by his nature wants to have sex with many girls. This is what your bf is going through, he does genuinely have feelings for you and feels protective towards you - that is his nature, but he also feels like he wants to have sex with all the cute little things he sees running around out there. he can't help it and in a way it is good of him to attempt to be honest with you about this - he really should be a bit more honest with himself and you and really admit how he feels.

[basilandthyme]

csi, you're not going to find clarity while he's confused. I suspect he's got one foot out the door but can't quite figure out why. Given that he can't put words to his needs, I think you have to take the reigns here to save your own sanity.

There are two different approaches you could use.

1. Talk with him and tell him that him being in limbo is not fair to you. Tell him that he needs to make a decision to be either in or out.
2. End it. Tell him that being in limbo is not fair to you and that you won't accept being a girlfriend of a guy who can't decide if he wants you or not.

I prefer the second option because it helps you regain your power - something which is sorely missing at present.

[Heart Healer]

Hi csi369,

Well, looking at your respective ages, I would say this is still a bit early to get into a relationship. You guys are still teenagers or rather entering into adolescence which is why there is a small element of immaturity in you. I feel, this action of your boyfriend shows he is still not sure about being in a relationship with you or is bit indecisive. Dear, understand a very basic point, when you enter in a relationship, to some extend, you mold yourself according to your partner. Everybody makes these adjustments and compromises. You cannot always do what you want to do. You wouldn't do things that your boyfriend don't like, whatever they may be. The point is, how much can one challenge his/her limits. Few compromise or adjust to much an extend, other don't. Depends on person to person. The baseline is, after you enter in a relationship, you comprise with your own freedoms and adjust to your partners needs and wishes, to some extend.

Now, what I feel is, somewhere your boyfriend is not feeling that comfortability making these adjustments, hence the complaints and indecisiveness. He needs some space for himself but he is still unsure of what he exactly needs. All these things happen at this age when you have a whole new life to live but you feel bounded with commitments and promises you've made with your partner.

I believe, you guys, especially your boyfriend needs some more time to settle down mentally before he can think of entering into a relationship with you. Its just been 9 months since you guys are in a relationship and if this doubt and uncomfortability is creeping in his mind, you will find it difficult to carry forward this relationship. Its too early and he is perhaps not satisfied.

Could be a possibility, that, he is finding other girls getting attracted to him or the vice-versa, but he just can't help himself because he is bound by commitments and promises he has made with you. It happens and its the curse of this age. You get attracted and fascinated to materialistic things quiet easily. I am just giving you a possibility but that doesn't mean at all, he is like that. He might be genuine with his feelings for you. This is just a hunch, perhaps. Don't start doubting on him based on this fact.


Honestly, I would say, don't do anything that's against his wishes. If he feels like discontinuing with this relationship, allow him to do that. There is no point in dragging it along when he is not into it with his heart and soul. Sooner you end it, better it is. You involve more into it, bitter will be the experience. Just do it smooth. Tell him that you love him and you would like things to work out but you won't force yourself on him. If he finds someone better than you, fair and good. Also, don't stop living your life because of him. You have a lot more to see and experience.


All The Best !!!
Take Care !!!

[TablesandChairs]

He's 19 and wants to play the field. He probably won't admit to that though. It's that age, 19 year old boys who love the idea of commitment are pretty rare.

[csi369]

When we were about to breakup the other day, he was genuinely upset, and he is not normally one to show such emotions, yet there he was crying his eyes out saying this was something he had to do, yet was very indecisive about it, he couldn’t seem to bring himself to do it and kept changing his mind. It was the next day when he talked to me and told me he wanted to keep trying. So this shows me he has dedication to me and our relationship, yet he is unsure of exactly what he wants at the point in time. He told me it wasn’t about other people, and that there was no one else he wanted to be with. So I just don’t know what his intentions are at the point.. We were together the other day and we seemed to be back to normal, acting comfortable with each other and all that, and he made an effort to see me that day. I just don’t know whats going on in his mind, probably never will. But thank you for all your comments, they helped a lot.

[Heart Healer]

Hi csi369,

I understand you must be feeling really bad. Just try be a bit flexible and give some more time to all this. Things will settle sooner or later.