Girlfriend had risky sex with others, but won't do it with me

[Tom4567]

I just got engaged to my girlfriend of 4 years. We are both in our 40s. We both love each other, and have had a "normal" sexual past history. She has said many times, convincingly, that sex with me is the best she has ever had. Over our time together, I have suggested on a number of occasions that we have sex in a risky place in public. Nearly all of the time, she comes up with a reason why she does not want to do it, such as being too scared to do it, even if it is obvious that we will not get caught (public swimming pool at night, for example).

However, a few days ago, in a slightly tipsy state, she asked me where were the craziest places I ever had sex. I could not come up with anything. However, she told me that she had sex in public in the past with other guys. She named about 5 times she had done it, and I am guessing there are more. At least one of the incidents occurred only a few years before she met me. I am thinking that the only explanation is that she is not as sexually attracted to me as she was with the other guys she has been with. After this sunk in for about a day, I could not sleep, I was nauseous over this, and I was afraid to bring it up with her, since she would then perceive me as being insecure and would not tell me things in the future. I do not want to be the "nice relationship guy" that she is "settling" for, while she has had hotter sex with other guys.

I decided to speak to her about it, as tactfully as I could. I am still feeling inadequate though. She basically said that these "public" places to her were not risky in her mind, since it was at night and there was no one else around, and it was basically like having sex in a closet. She also added that most of these events occurred 20+ years ago, when she had less inhibitions. I did not find out if these were dates or ONS. She says that the sex WE had was more risky to her - such as in a car during daylight hours.

She did have a ONS about 9 years ago (only 5 years before she met me) on the beach at night, but she said there was no one around and she did not see any danger. I asked her what she would do if I suggested that we do something like that, and she said that she would not have a problem with it. However, I feel that she is possibly "forcing" herself to do it, and I do not want that. She said that when I had previously suggested a swimming pool at night, since it was near other houses, she thought it was too risky.

She again reassured me that she is in love with me and loves having sex with me. She stressed that we should concentrate on the future, and not about the past.

I certainly cannot ask her about any more details, since she was crying and was implying that I was calling her past behavior slutty (I wasn't), and I was showing my insecurities. I really tried not to be accusatory. The thing that still bugs me, is: if she thought that there was no danger in doing any of those things in the past, then why do them at all? Doesn't a person do it for the rush? For the possibility that they may get caught? In other words, it seems to me that she is not being totally honest with me when she implies that the public sex meant nothing to her. She named these as the "craziest" places she had sex. That means to me, that she was hotter for these other guys.

Please help! How should I handle this?

[joanna1]

I'd take her word, you looked at her as you told you all this, you should be able to tell if she was being truthful by her demeanor. If I was you I would plan out a sexy hot public time for you both to have sex, so you can erase those of her past with one of your own, don't make it too risky you get arrested but fun and sexy enough that it satisfies your thrill seeking.

[Boisdevie]

She stressed that we should concentrate on the future, and not about the past.

She's right. But if you're going to obsess about this it will destroy your relationship.

[Jffs24]

Chicks don't dig men with obvious insecurities if you keep complaining or thinking about this it will do you and her in -- do what joanna1 said to do up there and take it from there.

[Imnotdrunk]

She just isn't that sexually attracted to you to do that imo. Chicks are known to came up with sh1tloads of stupid excuses and justifications when it comes to sex topic. In a nutshell, this is how it goes:
Very attractive guy: Does ONS with him + tons of rationalisations, e.g. excuses (was drunk, it just happened, was used...) or weak/made up justifications (was such a funny guy, nice guy, kind guy...).
Date-able or not so attractive guy: Won't have a sex with him any soon and will not have wild and experimental sexual life with him + tons excuses and justifications (We still don't know each other, I'm not like that, I don't do this, I can't do this because somebody will hear us, I can't do this because I'm not in the mood, I can't do this because I love you too much (????I swear I heard this)...)

Guys don't be fooled and learn to cut trough female BS.

[smackie9]

Dude she's not that person from 6 years ago. People change, their goals change, and with this relationship leading to marriage, her behavior and views are going to change. She is telling you the truth.

Why do you want to have sex in "risky" places? Are YOU getting bored with your sex life? Feeling like you are incompatible in the bedroom? If you want to spice things up explore other avenues that she would be more comfortable with. Add toys, costumes, role playing, porn, tantra sex, etc.

[smackie9]

She just isn't that sexually attracted to you to do that imo. Chicks are known to came up with sh1tloads of stupid excuses and justifications when it comes to sex topic. In a nutshell, this is how it goes:
Very attractive guy: Does ONS with him + tons of rationalisations, e.g. excuses (was drunk, it just happened, was used...) or weak/made up justifications (was such a funny guy, nice guy, kind guy...).
Date-able or not so attractive guy: Won't have a sex with him any soon and will not have wild and experimental sexual life with him + tons excuses and justifications (We still don't know each other, I'm not like that, I don't do this, I can't do this because somebody will hear us, I can't do this because I'm not in the mood, I can't do this because I love you too much (????I swear I heard this)...)

Guys don't be fooled and learn to cut trough female BS.

Yes that's a way to meter your attractiveness to a female by seeing if she gives you head in the middle of a busy subway.

[vashti]

I think risky sexual behavior might imply that she was insecure enough at the time that she was willing to engage in behaviors she didn't necessarily approve of in order to have a man. I would take it as a sign she has improved self esteem now that she has boundaries.

For the record, sex in a pool is not so great. Water actually reduces a woman's natural lubrication. Sex in the sand is... sandy. Not ideal. Sex in the back of a car would be better, IMO.

EDIT: lol - smackie!

[Exeter19]

why compare yourself to what she did with others when in her past before you? setting yourself up for bad times. and because you brought her to tears over it, it won't be anytime soon she forgets you judged her. you over reacted on it, she probably gets why. doesn't mean she was ' hotter' for those guys than she is for you, only means those guys might have took the lead and she followed. why don't you take the lead more.

[somehelp4me]

Just plan get it on spots for the two of you, enjoy one another.