Complicated/Confusing possible relationship

[MonsterRain]

I'm new to this forum but I'm seeking some advice. I've never really needed advice like this before but the situation is unique and complicated so I'm also sorry in advance for this being so long.

I'm a guy in my early 30s and over the summer I met a woman was also in her early 30s. We went on a first date and it ended up with a alcohol fueled hook-up which is very out of character for both of us. The next day after we had recovered from our respective hangovers we talked and decided that we wanted to "date" but that we both would be much more comfortable slowing things down. Although neither of us regretted the previous night at all. We started dating at a much slower pace but continued to see each other at least once a week. Normally for dinners/drinks.

Some important background information. The woman in this story has been separated/divorced for about three years. She was married to a high school boyfriend who she's known for 15+ years. They dated on and off during that time before getting married. The marriage ended in disaster but they still communicated with each other and I was aware that over the three year period they had tried to get back together several times, including as late as March of this year. Each of those times it ended in disaster. I'm not being melodramatic here - the try in March is probably one of the most disaster ridden things I've ever heard and it lasted 3 weeks. The ex currently lives several states away (and has for several years). My date was very open about all of this early in the relationship.

We dated for 1 1/2 months until we had a conversation wherein she told me that she had done a lot of soul searching and had decided that she wasn't ready or able to date anyone because of lingering issues with her ex. She told me that in the three years that they had been divorced that she had dated guys knowing full well that the relationship wouldn't last because of the lingering stuff with her ex. I was the first person she had dated that she didn't want to become a "casualty of war" (her words) and that she wanted us to be friends, etc... She also told me that in March of this year her and her ex had decided on a "do over" where they would give themselves a year to get back together or would break off all communication once and for all. Much of that would depend on his ability/desire to get a job and move back locally. Keep in mind that this conversation takes place in late- September/early October and nothing has happened on that front so far (even as of November). I evidently compilcated things a bit because she didn't expect to meet or date anyone. Hence the soul searching, I guess...

I don't normally do the "friendzone" thing because in prior situations where it was an option the women involved just weren't worth it. However, this one is an incredibly cool girl and I had fun with her, even outside of "dating" so I decided to give it a shot. Things would have been fine except that after this talk we ended up spending even more time together (at least 1-2 times a week) and most of the time spent together was spent doing stuff that couples do - weekend outings to wineries, etc... not just dinner/drinks. She also started texting me more and our conversations became less superficial.

Flash forward to two weeks ago at Halloween. She was going out bar hopping Halloween night with some friends and invited me along. I told her that I'd drive us because I like being in control of driving when drinking is involved. At one point in the evening she separates herself from the group to talk to a female friend of hers, comes back, and immediately hugs me and starts telling me that "I'm amazing." She keeps her arm around me, feels up my butt, and continues to be flirty. Keep in mind that prior to this event she had never really been flirty at least since we "broke up." The night of drinking ends and while driving back to her place she's holding my hand the whole way and keeps asking me why I'm so nice to her. Not wanting to discuss it at that moment I sort of brush off
the question by just saying "you deserve it." When we get back to her place it's late and I ask her if I can crash on her couch. She says "come to bed and cuddle with me." I do, although nothing happens besides a bit of spooning and maybe one or two kisses. The next day we wake up and I ended up spending most of the day with her while she nurses a hangover.

Since that incident things have been different. The frequency in which she texts me has gone up yet again. At this point she texts me the minute she leaves work everyday and we essentially have a running conversation until one of us goes to bed. We've also spent a lot more time together. While she has a lot of other friends she mainly socializes with me, often turning down invites to do stuff with them. We've seen each other 7 out of the last 14 days, including a couple of nights during the week (hanging out, watching TV). Last weekend we spent Saturday/Sunday together and she invited me to stay over again (same as before, just spooning/cuddling nothing more "intimate"). Her excuse was that since we were doing something both days it was stupid of me to go home (I live 45 minutes away). Although we've been in that situation previously and I was never invited to stay, even when we were "dating." This weekend she was sick but she still wanted to spend all of Saturday with me. I didn't stay over but I honestly believe it was because she was sick. Had she been feeling better I suspect I would have been invited to stay over. We also already have stuff planned for future weekends...

I should also mention that I know she is still talking to her ex. She will mention it to me but only when complaining about him and she ALWAYS refers to him using a deragatory nickname. It's odd because I know that deep down she's still hoping that he gets his shit together and things work out between them. However, I also think that she's smart enough to know that it's most likely not going to work out, if only because it's ended so badly every other time they have tried. She's also made it clear that as long as he is living a couple of states away he has no real say in what she does or how she spends her time.

Needless to say, things are complicated and I've developed feelings for her beyond friendship. I think she may feel the same way about me but it's hard to tell and any feelings she has are overshadowed by her ex. At this point we're a huge part of each other's lives and it's hard to imagine that she could act the way she does without having some sort of feelings for me. Besides that, our relationship began with attraction and I think that if her ex weren't in the picture we'd probably be in a relationship right now.

What does everyone think? What do you think could be going through her head? Do you think she actually has feelings for me? I realize that it's hard to say from just reading a forum posting but I'm interested in some female perspective here and interested in hearing from people who have been in similar situations.

What should I do? The reason we stopped dating was because she wanted to keep me from getting hurt but the damage is already done. Part of me wants to sit her down and tell her this and tell her that if she has feelings for me we should act on them, even if everything ends because of her ex. If her ex does get his shit together and moves here any friendship/relationship would be affected anyway. If he doesn't there's a possibility that our relationship (should there be one) would survive, etc... Another part of me just wants to keep my mouth shut and see what happens but every time I spend time with her this gets harder and harder to do. I'm afraid that if I do say something it will ruin whatever we do have, even if that is only a friendship on her part.

Finally, I guess I should mention that I suspect a lot of people will read this and their initial response will be "RUN." That's just not an option at this point, even if it's the best solution.

[MonsterRain]

Bumping this because I'm still looking for advice.

To add a bit to my initial post, we had no plans to see each other this week or weekend because of prior commitments. This morning I jokingly/flirtingly texted her "So, what night can I come over and cook dinner this week?" not really expecting a reply. Her reply was "I think tomorrow night might work best."

[TheEvilJester]

Once again, I find myself wanting to help but feeling like I may not be the best candidate to give advice in this situation. As I have said here many times before, I am a huge romantic, in love with the idea of love, who dreams of someday finding my soulmate. So, I tend to lean towards wanting to tell people to give things a chance (within reason, of course). The thing is, I'm not 100% sure that is your best course of action here. So, let me just say this... please take my advice with a grain of salt. Hopefully some others can chime in here as well...

However, my gut reaction would be to give it some time. Going through a break-up of any kind, not to mention a divorce, can be extremely tough. Not to mention, this was not just any relationship. As you said, they had been together 15 years. That is a long time. Given she is in her early 30's, that is literally almost half her life. You can imagine that is often not something that you just get over in no time flat.

If you try to force her to get over him, that could just have the exact opposite effect of what you want. You could drive her away from you and back to him. At the same time, though, it is also very important for you to remember that it is not okay for her to string you along forever. You cannot put your life on hold forever waiting around hoping she will get over him. So, whereas I would say it is okay to give her some time, I would also say that time shouldn't be infinite.

The fact is, it sounds like their relationship is doomed to fail no matter what. By being there for her, hopefully you can show her the kind of man she truly deserves. Hopefully that will be enough to help her out of this cycle of going back to somebody she knows will never work out.

As I said, though, for your own sake, please do not get stuck like that forever. Giving her time to heal is one thing. Allowing her to string you along forever is another. You are still young, but being in your 30's is different from being in your 20's. So you can't allow yourself to wait on her forever. If she isn't willing to move on, then maybe your dream girl is still out there somewhere. Good luck.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're wasting your time. Don't bother being friends with her. Whatever bullshit she fed you about not being ready, really just means she's not interested in you, or not that interested. If she's still game to hook up then go for it, otherwise just ignore her..like you said chicks that say that nonsense aren't worth it.

I'd bet money that if you treat her like shit, she'll be all over you. Is that the dynamic you want though?

You honestly sound like a bitch though, and she probably thinks you're gay at this point. She's certainly treating you like it.

[MonsterRain]

As I said, though, for your own sake, please do not get stuck like that forever. Giving her time to heal is one thing. Allowing her to string you along forever is another. You are still young, but being in your 30's is different from being in your 20's. So you can't allow yourself to wait on her forever. If she isn't willing to move on, then maybe your dream girl is still out there somewhere. Good luck.

I've put my own internal time limit on all of this of somewhere around the beginning of 2014. While I may not want to have a "talk" with her right now if things are still the same then as they are now there will certainly be some sort of talk.

You honestly sound like a bitch though, and she probably thinks you're gay at this point. She's certainly treating you like it.

I think that's being overly harsh and I don't appreciate it.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think that's being overly harsh and I don't appreciate it.

I'd expect a gay cuddle-bitch to say something like this.

[TablesandChairs]

OP, notice how she started paying you more attention once you decided on being 'friends'?

A 30 something year old woman knows that being purely 'friends' with a single guy who likes you as more than just a 'buddy' isn't entirely ethical...but they enjoy the attention, the company, the emotional side of having someone there but 'not' having them there as a full-on boyfriend. It's a case of...she has her cake and is eating it too.

I think setting a time-limit sounds about right but in the meantime, try not to be what people on here commonly refer to as 'an emotional tampon' - be less available, maybe? I mean, she's still hung up on her ex so for her, your friendship is great...keeps her distracted while the ex gets his act together (should that ever happen...) But it's different for you. You don't have anyone else on 'hold' and you don't just want her friendship alone. Keep that in mind as your progress. Some people never let go of old attachments, no matter how futile it is.

[TheEvilJester]

TablesandChairs makes a good point, and I think it is definitely one I forgot. I would say you do want to be there for her in everything she is going through, but I would agree with TC's addition that you want to avoid being her emotional dumpster. (I didn't quite like that other euphemism for it. LOL!) In other words, being there for her is okay, but also don't overdo it. I know that sounds a little confusing, and that is because it is a bit of a balancing act, so to speak.

Again, it is hard to end such a long relationship. 15 years is a long time. So, it could just be that she is having difficulty moving on. Hopefully she would eventually learn that she is better off without this guy. The problem is, some people never do learn that lesson, and keep trying to make it work. And, heck, even if she eventually does, you can't wait forever.

You are nobody's "consolation prize." You are not the guy she got because her ex could never get his act together. You, just like anybody else in the world, deserve to be somebody's one and only. Somebody's gold medal. ;-) Once again, good luck, my friend. I hope everything works out for you, whether it be with her or even if your true dream girl is still out there waiting for you.

[lausieboo]

Look the truth hurts but as a woman I know she is not really interested. You are the rebound guy and a lot of woman will always go for the 'nice guy' after they break up with their dickhead. It took me a long time to realise that a nice guy is what you want but I can tell you that majority of my friends do not like nice guys and they get bored easily. Personally I'm perfectly happy with no drama in my life but I wasn't always like that. The tell tale sign for me of how I know there isn't that 'chemistry' for her is when she asked you when drunk why are you so nice to her? Women like that only ever want the nice guy to entertain them and once her ex tells her he wants her she'll keep running back. You'll get over this try and find a nice girl that will not bring so many problems, it will hurt for awhile but with distance you will get over it! I bet if you ask her does she feel a strong chemistry with you she will say no she only sees you as a friend. Your best bet is to just tell her everything cause I am pretty sure she will tell you that she only sees you as a friend. I do hope I am wrong but why wait just get it over with.