What am I doing wrong?

[RobertWQ]

Hopefully we can get some constructive replies in here.

I think that I am doing something(s) wrong when it comes to dating, and maybe you can help me understand what some of those things may be. I should add that I am coming off a hiatus from dating regularly, but I have dated and been intimate with a number of women so I'm not new to dating.

I'm going to give some examples of things that have happened recently, and maybe some of you (women especially) can give me some idea of what I'm doing wrong here. BTW, I'm a post-bacc student at a university, where there is a mix of women younger and older than me (more younger).



Example 1, Today:


I'm in bio lecture hall. A girl I like (the asian girl from the previous threads) is also in that class. Several of you have said I'm wasting my time with her, and I tend to agree, but I do like her so I still wanted to play it out at least to the end of the semester and see what would happen.


So I'm sitting in lecture and an attractive woman a little older than me in the class sits down next to me. She smiles and starts chatting with me, and asks me a bunch of personal questions like "So what are you majoring in?" "What xyz school would you like to go to?" "Oh that's my area of interest too." My impression is that she is interested in me to at least some extent due to her constant chatting and asking me a variety of questions about myself.

So then we are working on a packet of DNA and RNA transcription problems, and another girl who I also vaguely think might be attracted to me came and sat next to me on the other side to work with us, so now I am sandwiched between two pretty cute girls and not displeased about it.


However, I really do like the asian girl, so I am thinking also "Hmmm... if she sees me being too flirty with these chicks she may not think the signs of interest I've shown her are as special to her as they actually are."

Then as the class is wrapping up, it seemed like there was an opening for me to exchange numbers with the older woman in particular, who had been chatting very friendly-ish with me the whole time.

However, I am thinking, "Ok, if [girl I like] sees me exchanging numbers with this girl, it could ruin things with her." So I don't. Despite the fact that I found the older woman pretty attractive on a sexual level and not too bad to be around.



What happens next? Well, as Clare Boothe Luce (a woman) observed: No good deed goes unpunished.


So I had class with the girl I like [the asian girl] yesterday. I'm always curious to see how a girl will dress if she's the type to dress up sometimes, because I figure if she shows up and has clearly put effort into her appearance, it's a sign that she may be interested. For example, when me and this girl got together to study, she was very dressed up with full makeup and everything, and usually she doesn't dress like that for class.


Yesterday she showed up and she was just wearing regular clothes (tshirt, pants), no real effort apparent in her appearance.


So today directly after bio got out, I go to the Chem TA office hours ... guess who is there also. This girl. And she is dressed to impress ... relatively heavy makeup, nice clothes, quite different from yesterday. And I noticed this same pattern last week (because I ran into her the same way last week)... when she has class with me, she doesn't put much effort into her appearance, but when I see her the following day, she's dressed up nicer.

So my intuitive sense is that she's getting dressed up for some other guy (with the heavier "sexy" makeup and all) ... maybe I'm right about this and maybe wrong, but this was my intuitive sense ... so I feel enormously foolish ... I mean here I just pass up a potential opportunity with a woman because I don't want affect things with this girl, and all the while she's (my assumption) getting dressed up all nice for some other guy.


So clearly my decision making process is not producing the right outcomes ...


If you don't feel like reading the next example, please just reply based on what you read above. I realize it's long.



Example 2, also from today.


Another girl (the other one I have mentioned in my threads) and I have class today. This girl came up to me last week and asked me unsolicited for my phone number, so she can "call / text me to give me a her old bio textbook for next semester" ... something she brought up and I didn't ask for. I gave her my number but she never texted me that night like she said she would, which annoyed me because if you're going to ask for someone's number and then tell them you'll text them, it's really rude to not follow through, especially if they are kind enough to give you their number.


I saw this girl yesterday on the train. She actually had been carrying the textbook with her in her backpack to give to me, and she gave me the book. We had a nice chat on the train and then she asked me if I'd have my phone with me tonight and that she'd text me about some class stuff (again I did not ask her to do any of this).

She also tells me she would like the book back next semester. I thought this was an excuse to continue contact after this semester.


Of course she doesn't text though but did reply to an email I updated her with (because I still don't have her number).


So I'm thinking this girl isn't going to get the job done on her own, so maybe I should ask for her number so I can do so. After class we are walking with a few other people, and I think, well I should ask her ... so I say "Hey, can you call my phone now so I can get in touch with you to give you the book back?"

And she's like "Well I'll call / text you about it."


This really pissed me off, because not only was it kind of rude to embarrass someone like she did here (considering I said yes when she asked for MY number in front of a group of people ... I don't care as much about being embarrassed as I do about her being willing to say that in front of other people when I hadn't done that to her) ... but also (she is a basketball player) she seems to just like to keep the ball in her court so to speak .. but to me it is utterly rude and wrong to treat someone that way after they have been polite to you and haven't treated you like that.


So obviously, it's over with this girl, and I'm not sure what will happen with the other one, whom I do like a lot. However hopefully these examples will help you give some feedback.


But can any women here see some things I might be doing wrong? It seems like girls are interested in me but I am frequently making incorrect decisions about how to go forward ... Also constructive criticism is most helpful here.

[RobertWQ]

Edit: I won't speculate, I'll just let other people share their view.

[Peaches1605]

Reply to scenario 1: Have you ever thought that the day of class with you she has a really early start and can't be bothered much, and the day after she has more time to get ready? Just has to put that one out there! I think this is difficult because I would say just go to the girl you like and ask her out for drinks, if she declines, then start asking for numbers of people who are interested (or could be.) As a girl, I'd much prefer someone to just come out and ask me straight out, its much easier than all this other stuff!

Plus I have also being on the other end of it when my guy friend asked me out, I declined because he'd waited so long that I only saw him as a friend by the time he asked me out. (I haven't read your previous post about this girl so I apologise if you have already done this)

scenario 2: I think you should forget this girl. It seems she's keeping you on the hook to be honest. Maybe she has signs you like her and its a nice little ego boost for herself. (more girls do it than you'd think)

From these scenarios, what I'd suggest is that maybe you need to be a bit more upfront about your feelings with these girls. Most people will agree with me when I say : I have never been on a date unless I've been asked!

If you don't end up doing anything with these people because of whatever reason, then forget them and move on. It sounds like you are building these women up in your head, which doesn't help because ultimately, no one is perfect, and you don't find out until you've liked them for however long you have.

I also think you should relax a little bit just have fun with the people who are showing interest in you

hope this helps!

[RobertWQ]

Good suggestion, except our lab together is at 11:30am, and on the following day (the day she was dressed up) we have bio at 9:30am. Thanks for the other insights ... some of that makes sense when I compare it with what I know of the situation on the whole.