hi new & needing advice about a "break"

[i.miss.my.sweet]

Hi I'm new, came across this forum while looking for some advice about taking a "break" in my relationship. I'm going to start by explaining my situation - it's kind of long, I apologize.

My BF and I met approximately 4 years ago at work, we became friends. About a year or so after that I was going through a divorce (I also have 2 children, ages 7 &10). About 2 years ago we began talking and seeing each other as more than friends. It hasn't always been a easy relationship but we have always hung in there and worked through whatever problems we might have. I am 7 years older than him. His family has always kind of had a problem with him seeing me, I'm not sure if its the fact that I'm older or that I have children and they don't think he needs to tied down with that. Although he says it is because he has put so much time into this that he has kind of pushed them away. He has been working to repair things with his family, recently his mom has gotten sick again and he really needs to work on making things right with her. (My mom passed away 5 years ago, so I can relate). I have also had some personal problems going on, most recently I have lost my home and me and my 2 kids are currently living with my dad. this has added alot of stress on me and in all honesty, I was taking it out on him. Keep in mind he and I do not live together and usually see each other once during the week and spend every other weekend together (when I don't have my children).

Sunday night, through texting, we had an argument and he said "I love you but look take u a break and get everything together i understand u got alot on u" I told him I really didn't want that and he said "u can still text me and stuff u got alot going on the last couple of weeks uve been ill and i understand y so jus do what u got to do then we can make it work" I do have alot going on and a break probably is a good idea, but why can't i get my brain to understand that?? I feel like I'm going absolutely crazy!!! I wake up every morning with the resolve not to txt him about "us" but everyday by lunch time I feel like I'm losing it and crying and I always txt him and start in! He told me today "it don't have to be this hard" and if i kept on he was just going to "snap and lose it all together and say lets be done for good" I'm scared he is going to find someone else but his response was "I ant gonna find nobody else, I aint fn looking, but if u keep on I can promise u that ur gonna push me away"

So my question to all of ya'll is, what do you think? Do you think a break is a good idea in this situation? Do you think he is being honest in his reasons and hasn't found somebody else that he wants? (My ex-husband cheated on my several times, I guess that's why I have such issues with this) And if you think this is the best how can I keep my self from going crazy and pushing him away???? I really really need help with this.

He has agreed that we would sit down and discuss this again in 2 weeks and see where we stood.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and give any advice

[AdminOnline]

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[Peaches1605]

A break is never easy, but maybe he has a point? If he's feeling unhappy with pressures of his own, then it may be a good idea. Personally, I have never agreed with breaks, it makes me feel like they need time away to find a reason to not be with you, but sometimes (in my friends relationships) it can do wonders!

I think its a good idea to give yourself time and space right now and focus on your life. This is the time to reflect! No relationship is perfect and often there are tings that upset and pressure the other person that you didn't even realise. I suggest you take the break, reflect and learn even though it's difficult. Once you sit down and have a talk, you'll have a much clearer head on your shoulders and may be able to work through some of the issues in your relationship.

Hope this helps!

[i.miss.my.sweet]

I know that is exactly why I don't like the idea of a break!!! It is driving me crazy and I mean literally. I already have so much else going on that i feel like he just added more to me at a time when I really don't need it. But I don't feel like there is anything else I can do, if I want the chance to keep us together I have to give him what he needs. In my heart I feel like he wants to work things out with me, but I can't get that crazy thought out of my head that he might be done. I just don't want to get strung along and get my heart broke in 2 weeks!!! And 2 weeks seems like such a long time, especially with the holidays coming up!

Thanks for your advice and I agree with you, just wished I could get it straight in my head and keep the crazy out, lol!!

[Peaches1605]

You're a woman - I believe its not possible to keep the crazy out!

If its really stressing you out then talk to him calmly and say something like "You do realise that by doing this, it's putting more pressure on me? I need to know honestly whether you are rethinking our relationship. I care about you a lot but I deserve a bit of honesty" and see what he says? That's the only thing I can think of really! I think he also needs to understand that there are two people in a relationship and both need to be respected equally. If he wants a break you will accept that, but first you want to know if he is rethinking your relationship together.

If it comes to a point where you know what he is thinking, then to give him space, I suggest blocking his number temporarily or get a temporary number for a couple of weeks without his number saved in it.. it could help! In your free time, busy yourself with your kids, hobbies, friends and family and make sure your friends and family keep hold of your phone so you're not tempted to text him?

[basilandthyme]

I don't believe in breaks and I think they solve nothing. In your shoes, I'd tell him that I don't do breaks and that he needs to make a decision about the relationship either way.

[Valixy]

It sounds as if he can't or doesn't want to get involved in your new vulnerable situation - you lost your home and moved back to your parents' house with your children. Truth is that you do sound as if you need to get your things together. Your children and the kind of stability they need in their life should be your priority, not a young unprepared boyfriend, who is already with a foot outside of this relationship when you most need him. Maybe you should watch Music of the Heart with Meryl Streep, based on a single mother's true story and clarify some of your ideas and find the right inspiration for this crises in your life.

[Valixy]

No man is worth losing your head when you've got two children who need you to be at your 100% and the right man for you wouldn't behave like this. Just my opinion. You can do better for yourself and find the right man at the right time, you shouldn't be in a hurry, life is long.

[i.miss.my.sweet]

I agree, I will always be crazy, I've just got to learn to "contain" the crazy! LOL!

He called me during his break and we had a talk........he said we both just needed some time to think. I asked him would it be better if we went the 2 weeks with absolutely no contact. He said that wouldn't solve any of the problems, he still wanted to hear from me and we still needed to communicate, but he asked that I not push the subject of "us" until we have went the 2 weeks and we have both took time to think/evaluate. I told him ok, but that was going to be really difficult for me and he said he knew that and he understood and if I felt it was too much and wanted to walk away he understood that too. I told him I wanted to give him what he needs, BUT if i was wasting my time I was going to go ahead and walk away. He said he didn't feel like I was wasting my time, if he didn't think there was a good chance that we could work this out he said would not still want to keep in contact or string me along, he would call it a break up and be done.

So long story short I'm going to try my best to give him what he needs and let him decide if he wants this or not. We have been through too much and worked to hard for this to just walk about due to insecurities on my part. And in my opinion it's kind of normal for this to happen, as I said earlier I have 2 children (he has none). It's alot for a man to take on 2 kids that are not his, and although they have not been introduced he has always been there for me when it comes to my kids, to listen to my problems, to give advice and to help out financially. My parents were married until my Mom passed away, his parents were divorced when he was about my son's age, so he has been really helpful working through problems and telling me how he felt when his parents divorced.

Thanks for your advice, it has been helpful and kind of makes me feel like I'm doing the right things to work through this.

[i.miss.my.sweet]

I totally agree with you, I have got to get my stuff in order!! There is no doubt about that!! Living in one bedroom with my kids at my dad's house is NOT how I saw my life working out and it's not the perfect situation, nor is it fair for my children. Although they LOVE living with their grandpa; probably because he spoils them!! It has only been for going on 3 weeks now and I'm hoping to have a new place within he next 2 weeks. I agree, he is young and I'm not sure he is prepared for this, but we have been through ALOT together, believe me you don't want me to list it all on here (but situations like this), and we have always worked it out! That's why I'm hesitate to just walk away from it. Does that make sense?

Every relationship will have it's ups and downs, but you have to decide if it's worth the fight - and right now I still blv this is worth the fight, if not I would not be upset about it at all.

[Valixy]

I'm sorry but I just don't think that he has a genuine interest in your children if they haven't been introduced yet after two years of you having a relationship with him, but in spite of all this, here you are missing him like crazy. It sounds a bit as if you've allowed yourself to fall for a guy who doesn't really want to have much to do with your beautiful children, really.

Don't invest any more of your energy and time into someone who's not right for you and give your heart to a man who accepts you completely, when he'll find his way into your life. Until then have fun with men or just ignore them, it's up to you, but concentrate on your children, you OWE it to them.

[Starnique]

No man is worth losing your head when you've got two children who need you to be at your 100% and the right man for you wouldn't behave like this. Just my opinion. You can do better for yourself and find the right man at the right time, you shouldn't be in a hurry, life is long.

This. Definitely. He doesn't want to deal with the baggage and that's understandable. Your children are your priority and you should focus on picking back up your life and putting everything together. You have other more important things to do rught now and maybe he picked up on that. Maybe he's not the one for you. Time will tell. I know you like him but you have other things going on right now and you should focus. I love having a man around but sometimes they can get in the way and make you lose focus and sometimes things need to be re balanced.

Your children are a part of you and it shouldn't be a separate lifestyle with a guy who your serious with. If he's a random then fine but if it's serious then you should all be on one page.

[i.miss.my.sweet]

Yes I'm definitely focusing on my kids and getting things back in order. i think he did pick up on that, and he has important things going on too......so it makes it hard for both of us to focus on the relationship. I guess it doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing, we could scale it back to just being friends and see where that road goes.

As far as him not meeting my children as of yet, that has been my decision. They had a VERY hard time with their dad leaving, an he moved a few hours away so they don't get to see him often. When I have them, I spend my time focused on them and nothing else. He gets them every other weekend from Friday night until early Sunday morning (sometimes Saturday night). My BF and I had both made the decision to introduce him to my kids around February, you know get through the family holiday stuff and then slowly introduce him. does that make sense?

You are both right I need to get my head right and focus on my kids, instead of worrying myself crazy over him. Although I think I am going to take the break for 2 weeks and see what happens between me and him. If it's meant to work out then he will want to continue it after the 2 weeks if not then we will end it. What do you think?

[Valixy]

Sounds like a good plan, OP. I hope it all works out for you.

In any case, remember this, you have lost your privilege of finding excuses for men and accept them with their many faults and big possible doubts when you had those two children. If you were single and wanted to experiment or torture yourself for years by loving a man who didn't love you back the same way, etc. you could do it, but since you have those two children, you can't and shouldn't anymore. You'll always have to be very honest and realistic about men from now on, and exigent too and the one you'll decide to invest your heart and leave in your life, will have to be worth both your trust and your children's, or he shouldn't be allowed at all. Few betrayals are sadder than a weak mother who puts her passion for a man before her love for children. Good luck.