Need a sanity check

[JinVA]

I have been in a serious relationship for quite some time, and has been a mutually professed loving and exclusive relationship by both of us the entire time. We have even discussed moving in together several months ago and even have had conversations about marriage as well.

Recently I have felt some changes and have even discussed them with my mate, but they tell me I am making stuff out of nothing. I am trying to find out if some of what I am "expecting" is reasonable or just ridiculous.

Since we don't live together and I have my kids from my prior marriage we have a lot of time apart, but since we started dating we always gave a basic heads up when we were going out after work with friends or the like; not asking permission or anything, just a basic courtesy notification.

Starting a couple months ago they started going out after work without saying anything at all, not even a simple text. When they go out they never answer the phone if I happen to call, which my calling is not often, but has been the way I usually find out that they went out at all. It will not be until hours later that they will return the message I left and then they tell me they were out for drinks with a friend. I ask again that they just give a simple heads up before going out, but recently that seems to not be occurring more and more, at best they will tell me just before going out only if I happen to text or call, and there have been a couple times that have come up days later that they had gone out and never told me at all.

I am trying to get a sanity check and find out if the behavior is odd, suspicious, or just plain rude. I also want to figure out if a basic common courtesy notification of letting each other know in advance if we plan to have a night out with friends is too much to expect. The previous understanding was that pretty much as soon as possible after making plans we let the other know. My concern is that it was working fine previously, but now the very best they will only say anything if directly asked if they have plans to go out, and seem to refuse to make any effort despite it being brought up again. Instead it is flipped back on me as if I am just being too controlling or paranoid when I say they are essentially MIA.

Real advice and honest feedback would be greatly appreciated!

[JinVA]

Well this was my very first post and I was trying to be gender neutral to get the most honest and unbiased feedback possible, but now see it posts your gender. So yes, I am a guy and my my mate is a lady, and we both are well over 30, not like young love.

[michelle23]

Is this the same friend every time she goes out? Its possible she could be having an affair. Shes hiding something.

The fact shes flipping it back on you shows guilt. By calling you paranoid, a freak, saying you dont trust her or whatever shes says is her way of trying to push the focus off her and what shes done wrong so youll argue about something else instead.

Its classic when someone caught out. Example why are you texting your ex? And they say how dare you read my texts.

They avoid the qs and there own guilt by pushing it back on you



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[JinVA]

When she goes out she says it is always with just one of several of her friends. She never goes out in a group, it is with just one of 3 of her friends. But yes, recently I am wondering if she is really seeing someone else or just meeting up for dates in general.

Yes I feel her flipping it shows guilt, but I want to make sure just the basic expectation of wanting her to advise when she makes plans to go out in advance as a common courtesy is not an unrealistic expectation or a sign of being "controlling". Even if I felt all was 100% good between us I think that is a reasonable thing to ask. Am I wrong?

[Wakeup]

Why do you not see each other often? Just because you have your kids if you've been going out for a long time together and you've discussed moving in and getting married one day then shouldn't she be spending time with you and your kids rather then not see one another for a long time?

My guess is that she's getting bored with you and she's not bonding with you like she would if you were not so "part-timing" the relationship. Perhaps she feels resentment that she has to tell someone her artinerary that hasn't advanced their relationship?

The bottomline here is you have asked her to let you know when she's not going to be home to receive your call and she's not respecting that very simple request. Whether she's having an affair or not, she's certainly not valuing you enough to make you feel more secure that she loves you and wants you to be happy. That alone is something to think about and get resolved. You might as well put it all out on the table and figure out if you need to move on or something just needs changing up.

[JinVA]

It's not that it is real long periods apart, it is that I have my kids 1/2 the time every couple days and it is those days she can go MIA at times as I call it. I agree that she could do more with us, but that just hasn't started to really happen yet. But we see each other pretty much the other 1/2 of the time when I don't have them. But when I have them is when things can go amiss like this.

It's not like I expect her to be at home for a call, it is just a general courtesy overall as I see it to always tell your partner if you make plans to do something so the other just has a general idea of what is going on with one another. Not expecting her to check in or just be at home, just want to know when she makes plans to go out to do big or social events.

But again, is that an unreasonable request or is it a sign I am trying to be controlling as she indicates? I am trying to make sure I am not expecting something that is unreasonable.

[Wakeup]

Its a courtesy that most lovers afford to their partner. If she thinks it's controlling then you've just found out that you're with someone that is not compatible with your sensibilities. Do with that information what you will. Currently she's not giving into a very simple request that is part of most couples MO.

[michelle23]

I dont think its controlling. my partner always lets me know if hes gonna be late coz hes calling to his mum or has to work and i always let him know if im meeting the girls for coffee/dinner and wont be home when he gets home etc..

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