I'm starting to HATE my boyfriend's mother and it's taking it's toll

[Lexie]

I am in dire need of good advice to help me straighten out this situation I'm in.

The background information

My boyfriend and I have been dating 3 years.
He's 31 and I'm 24.
I have been on my own since 18, he's still living at his parents because of money issues.
His mother hates me, apparently because she blames everything her son does on me. I've only treated this woman with respect.

We're happy together. He just got a great job and I asked him to move in with me. He spends a lot of time at my place as it is so I figured why not. He seemed really happy about it but was afraid of telling him mother, her reaction. He loves her and doesn't want to hurt her feelings, whatever. I finally ask him to have a conversation with her, and tell her what's going on.. He did. Apparently she "doesn't approve" and he is "making a huge mistake" Her reasons for not liking me are.. I distracted him from looking for work, no personal accountability there. I showed up to dinner at their home too early once (i should up exactly when he told me to). And I'm taking him away from going to church, HUH? the man has never mentioned church to me since we've been dating. He told me he's going to church with her every Sunday now just to keep her happy. I said sure, whatever.

I figured I had no reason to still be upset with him since he did what I asked him to do, so I told him it was over.

Last night when were in bed, he mentioned that he wouldn't be coming home today. I asked him why, he says he's planning on sleeping at his parents house every Sunday. I was so annoyed. Am so annoyed.

What the hell is going on here? should I adjust my feelings and realize his family is very important to him or should be worried about having a family with him? Am I wrong, right? what should I do? I need some help, I've never been in a situation like this before and I'm afraid my reactions aren't the right ones.

[michelle23]

The reason this man still lives at home at 30 and only just got a good job is coz his mommy still wipes his ass. Its her fault he is the way he is not yours. You or no other woman will ever be good enough for her baby. Shes one of those nightmare mother inlaws from hell. Id dump him. Sorry but hes never gonna grow up. Shes kept him a child for too long.

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[pcmaster]

She have a point about church. Why would someone spend time with deamon girl when its possible to go with mum to church and have a rocking time there?

From the bright side its good that guy have a good connection with parents. Look at them like friends. SUndays could be like "nights out" with friends for him. Its never good to give up on friends yet alone parents for someone you love. You still have a guy the rest 6 days so value this little time hes away.

Can you spend this time with your friends or parents? You left home at 18 and this makes me question are you see your parents as good friends and turn to them for advice sometimes?

The thing about your BF mum is she might have the same feeling as you. Like she have to share this kid with you. In the end of the day old people are lonely and want to talk non stop. You might yet have to prove yourself to her. Show your good gualities talk a lot with her and her defense will broken. Its importand that you show that side of you which shows where excatly you are better than your BF. She will fall at your knees once she sees that your are better than her little boy.

[michelle23]

You gotta grow up at some point which means moving out of home and not having sleep overs so mommy can still control you.. sorry but me and my bf moved in together when i was 21, he 22 and neither of us has ran home to mommy for a night since. We still have a great relationship with our parents but were independant adults who put each other first.

This to me is unaceptable. He either wants to live with you or he doesnt. Hes 30 ffs!

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[vashti]

Its her fault he is the way he is not yours.

No it's not. It's HIS. He's a 30 year old man, who refuses to step up and assume the role.

[michelle23]

Whos mother blames his gf for his lack of motivation

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[Boisdevie]

He's a little boy who is dominated by his mummy. Why not try dating an adult?

[vashti]

Whos mother blames his gf for his lack of motivation

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The kind who has a son that refuses to grow up. Mothers love their children; it isn't unusual they try to see their kid in the most positive light possible. Maybe she thinks the girlfriend is an enabler. In any case, I am sure she has some sort of convoluted reason for assigning some blame to the girlfriend when really, HE is the problem. He seems to have skipped the developmental stage where children separate from their parents.

[michelle23]

My grandmother babied her youngest son. Its a recipe for disaster. He still calls to her to iron his shirts or make him lunch. Its a little ridiculous. Plus he sleeps there once a week even tho he has a wife and baby at home. Yes he should take responsibility but when you treat a grown man like a child-what do you get? A bigger child

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[Wakeup]

OP: Why do you want a man that is 30, still lives at home, is ruled by a mother that enables him to be the unmotivated twit he appears to be and on top of all that, has no job and still he does not commit to you. Moving in with you instead of getting his shit together and then asking you to marry him would have been a much better and a more mature choice for you.

You settle.

[DalM0m]

Unfortunately until your BF sticks up for himself & cuts the apron strings you will be the bad guy in his mother's mind. He then has to stick up for you against his mom.

If you want to try to repair the relationship with his mom, try going to Church with them on Sundays. Think about something nice you can do for her for the holidays . . . ask her to go Christmas shopping with you, bake her a pie, offer to help decorate her house. Basically kill her with kindness. It probably won't fix anything until your BF is ready to be a grown up but it's about all you can do that is within your control.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Your boyfriend is a loser. Have fun with that.

[Lexie]

Just a quick update, we broke up.

I told him how I felt and he told me he loves me and his mother equally but he refuses to destroy his relationship with her over me. I really dont understand because nothing I will ever do will destroy my relationship with my mother. It was fun while it lasted. Thank you guys for the advice.

[pcmaster]

In the end of the day girls comes and goes. But mum stays no matter what. Cant compete with that.