trusting again after emotional affair

[josie33]

ok so my bf had an emotional affair with someone from work. they met up after their shift to talk and texted alot. he has been trying to reconcile. he now works in different building and has cut contact. he does not use phone and is being transparent etc. i just cant shake the feeling he is still seeing her at work. stupid things set me off. she used to make him coffee each morn at work. now hes moved they dont have a machine nearby but when we went shopping i saw a mug in his car boot. he said a friend makes him coffee and sends it down to him. i immediately thought it was her as a means to still have contact. this weekend he took me to a hotel and restaurant. we had a nice eve but he didnt seem interested sexually. he said he just wanted to feel i wanted him for a change rather than the other way round so he didnt make a move. today we are back to work. been saying all weekend he wanted hair cut but decided to wait til nearer xmas. this morn before sets off he says hes gonna go after work so he will be late. i got annoyed and questioned why he changed today when he had all weekend to go. i asked if he was planning to stay at work late to see her and he juat laughed. am i making a meal of everything. im so confused

[Boisdevie]

The only important point is that you're not happy. So why not just end it?

[TablesandChairs]

Well, short of putting him in a cage, there's not much you can do, is there? Is he worth trusting again? Apart from this instance, has he been trustworthy? When we decide to stay in a relationship after infidelity, we take on the responsibility of forgiveness and this is easier said than done.

EA's usually come about because something is lacking in the relationship - I'm not excusing it because it's wrong either way...but perhaps this is a time to focus on fixing the relationship. What's missing? What can you guys do differently? What can he do to make you feel better and reassure you? If he putting in effort? Communication during this time is key - tell him what you need. And he should tell you the same.

My first partner and I went through this at one stage and we got through it. He was having the EA with a woman at work also...and the funny thing was, she was older, very over-weight and not in the slightest attractive. But she was there to talk to him and to listen, which I had not been doing for quite a while.

[UKRomantic]

He should be doing more to assure you nothing is going on and to try help your trust him again, not just laugh and shrug it off.

[josie33]

yes we have talked about whats been an issue and we both agreed communication has been our weakest point. he said he liked the attention and talking to her but got worried when she suggested she wanted more. he says he wants to focus on our relationship going forward and all im doing is looking back. its just so difficult as i read into everything to mean he is still seeing her. he did lie to before. when we werent living rogether i found out he was watching Alot of porn online. it made me uncomfortable and he promised he would stop but he didnt he kept hiding it for months.

[Boisdevie]

when we werent living rogether i found out he was watching Alot of porn online. it made me uncomfortable and he promised he would stop but he didnt he kept hiding it for months.

1. Trying to control him when you weren't even living together is a really shitty thing to do.
2. It suggests you have self esteem problems which makes me wonder whether his emotion 'affair' was partly you overreacting.

[HDBadger]

He is free to watch as much porn as he wants. It's not your business to tell him he can't.

I'm leaning toward agreeing with Bois in that this really wasn't much of an emotional affair and that you tend to overreact to things.

Why exactly do you think he was having an emotional affair? Because he was talking to a woman at work?

[josie33]

because he was texting her hundreds of times a day. met up wih her after work. he said things like 'ive never felt this way before' and she txt to say i want to kiss u - he replied 'im smiling so much my face hurts'

[Starnique]

He is free to watch as much porn as he wants. It's not your business to tell him he can't

Why is everything a control issue with you? It is her business and if it bothers her, he should be considerate of her feelings. Just like if I was walking out the house with a little ass dress on and my ass hanging all out and my bf felt a certain way about it, I'd be considerate of his feelings( i wouldnt wear anything btw...at least without being paid to lmao....kiddin....at least these days I am) . So my point is, in a relationship it's not about saying what you can and can't do. It's about respect.

Anyway Josie, people don't understand that when trust is broken, it's hard to get back. When you have a history of lying it makes people doubt everything that you say. So he needs to understand its his fault you feel that way.

However, you chose to stay with him. I know it takes time but you can't keep acting all paranoid. You hav given him another chance. I know it's hard but you can't keep throwing up the past because you decided to stay. Let it go and if you can't then move on darling because you don't want to ruin your relationship by being possessive. So you either need to forgive totally and let go of the past so you can move forward. If you can't, then maybe you just need to let him go and that's okay. It's either one or the other. Make a decision. You can't keep carrying on this way.

[Boisdevie]

because he was texting her hundreds of times a day. met up wih her after work. he said things like 'ive never felt this way before' and she txt to say i want to kiss u - he replied 'im smiling so much my face hurts'

I go back to my first point. Why not just dump him then? Scared of being on your own?

[michelle23]

Josie its been what? 4 or 5months? And you still dont trust him at all. Your a bag of nerves, an emotional wreck and still hurting. Is he really worth all this?

You know sometimes relationships run their course. This affair is likely a sign that your not meant to be together. Maybe theres someone better out there for you? Someone that you do trust..

The damage has been done hun. You may need to accept that and walk away before you cause more damage to your emotional and mental health.

I believe you cant really heal properly as long as hes still in your life. Your never gonna get over what he did as long as you stay and your never gonna completely trust him or feel properly happy again. You cant turn back time and erase what happened

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[michelle23]

Also he laughed in your face when you asked about her. He obviously doesnt even understsnd how much damage hes caused. Or just doesnt care

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[Skeptical]

Break up with the bastard

[RobertWQ]

Break up, he's clearly into that chick. Anything more would probably prolong the inevitable.

[michelle23]

Weve told her all this before months ago guys when he was caught red handed. Shes chosen to stay and by doing so is hurting herself more.

12 years, 20 years, 50 years..who cares? When trust is gone its not coming back

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