Scared of her rejection! Please, need advice.

[alnsucks1]

Hi there! Thanks for having me

I'll try to keep this plea for help short. First, however, a little background info on me:

I have a social phobia/anxiety disorder - or used to have, i'm effectively cured in most situations. Still have many problems with my self-worth though, and as a result i've never had a girlfriend i was really in love with, the reason being, that really caring about a girl makes me doubt myself to an exceptional degree, making me extremely shy/unassertive/doing "pleasing" behaviour/scared of rejection etc. etc.

Now - i'm currently dating a girl i've known (and been in love with) for 3 years. We only started dating a month ago though (before that we kissed/flirted a couple of times at parties but nothing more than that). I'm 24, she's 22.

During this month we've been dating, we've seen each other on 7 seperate occasions/dates. Most of those dates we've been chilling/talking for hours/making love, and on most of those occasions we've had great chemistry and had a good time together. For the first time in my life, i've actually been able to be at least somewhat comfortabe while being with a girl i'm in love with - so yay!

However... Now i'm starting to feel my "limitations" again. Strange thing: the more i feel that she likes me, the more worried and anxious i get! This sunday, she surprised me after work with sushi & a small gift, plus she had hidden 20 notes in my room telling me things she liked about me (incredibly sweet really). Clearly a sign that she's into me, which should make me more confident, but the opposite happens - i get more anxious! So much that when i saw her again yesterday, i was allmost completely unable to relax and i ended up having a really bad night where i just wasn't myself; lot's of awkwardness/no confidence/bad conversation.

Another thing is: i'm much better at being confident/myself when i'm alone with her. However, since we've had 7 dates of just chilling without doing something wicked, i'm starting to feel afraid she'll get bored; so i feel i should do something with her - but taking her out might just mean that i might lose my confidence, and i don't know how to tackle this at all!

Bottom line is: i very, very much want this girl, but i'm so afraid of being rejected (like i've been before) that i now find i might be sabotaging our relationship in my attempt to do the opposite. I realize that i could talk to her about it, but - if i just blurt out how much i'm into her and how much i want us to be together and how it just makes me so nervous around her, i just find it really hard to believe she wouldn't be scared away (also taking into consideration that she's told me before that she didn't want to rush into a relationship, and that she generally runs away when things move too fast).
I'm afraid that by being weak/having no confidence she'll eventually get bored/see me as "too easy" and too much of a nice guy, which might turn her off.

I'm seeing her again this tuesday. She seems like she really wants to see me, but i can't help but doubt her feelings. Also, i want to do something with her that'll be fun/exciting for us both so we don't just end up doing nothing again.

Any advice about how to handle this stuff is VERY much appreciated

Cheers.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Kiss her this Tuesday. Don't waste your time talking about your feelings and shit. She'll think you're gay. Kiss her and see how she reacts. If it's good, good. If not, tell her to **** off.


If she rejects you, how is your life impacted?

[alnsucks1]

Kiss her this Tuesday. Don't waste your time talking about your feelings and shit. She'll think you're gay. Kiss her and see how she reacts. If it's good, good. If not, tell her to **** off.


If she rejects you, how is your life impacted?

Thanks for answering!

I might not have been clear enough though, or perhaps i'm misinterpreting what you're telling me - but we've been kissing plenty already. We've basically done nothing but kissing/talking/having sex on our "dates" (and luckily that part has been great for both of us - let's just say it's easy to tell that she's into it).

If she rejects me, it surely won't kill me. But it'll be yet another girl with whom i'm in love that i didn't start a relationship with, and that will suck. I'm not getting any younger, i want to be able to do this :-)

[4 ratties]

You have a fear. The only way to get over a fear is to face it and not let it control you. Next time your acting like a scared awkward little boy, tell yourself you are a normal guy just like everybody else. Do u have anxiety when u are alone thinking about the relationship or when u are actually with her hanging out?

[alnsucks1]

You have a fear. The only way to get over a fear is to face it and not let it control you. Next time your acting like a scared awkward little boy, tell yourself you are a normal guy just like everybody else. Do u have anxiety when u are alone thinking about the relationship or when u are actually with her hanging out?

I'm definitely going to face it if i can. Often my feelings are irrational however, and thus attacking them with logic won't have much of an effect.

I do feel anxiety just thinking about the relationship - sometimes even more than when i'm with her (depends - on several of our dates i've been confident and at ease with her, but this wednesday for example it was the opposite). When i think about her, i basically feel like i'm not good enough/funny enough/smart enough/confident enough (yadda yadda). Classic inferiority syndrome i guess!

[violet11]

You're forgetting one thing... women are "fixers" :p You can actually make your anxiety etc. work for you by telling her about it, and how hard it was for you to overcome, and that you still get anxious sometimes. Don't ask her for reassurance, but do share this with her.

Also, I think it's pretty common for guys to feel inferior to women that they're dating. Some women even specifically seek out these situations because it makes them feel safer in the relationships. But in general, when two people are falling in love, it usually brings up all their feelings of insecurity, and it can be a really scary time, as well as an amazing one.

Instead of thinking about how to impress her, think about what you would like to do for her / with her. Make genuine gestures that come from your heart.

Out of interest, how did you react when she did that big gesture for you? Looking at it from her perspective, that took some guts.

[horsetheman]

I suffer from the same phobias and anxiety. Mine are pretty crippling, so I know the fears you have. First, if you havent yet, explain that to her. Tell her about your anxieties. Trying to hide it, only makes it worse. She more than likely will understand, and that will be a big weight off your shoulders. You have to remind yourself, that shes there for a reason. She has chosen to have this relationship with you. So, she likes you. You have already done the hard part. Be yourself. Good luck.

[alnsucks1]

You're forgetting one thing... women are "fixers" :p You can actually make your anxiety etc. work for you by telling her about it, and how hard it was for you to overcome, and that you still get anxious sometimes. Don't ask her for reassurance, but do share this with her.

Also, I think it's pretty common for guys to feel inferior to women that they're dating. Some women even specifically seek out these situations because it makes them feel safer in the relationships. But in general, when two people are falling in love, it usually brings up all their feelings of insecurity, and it can be a really scary time, as well as an amazing one.

Instead of thinking about how to impress her, think about what you would like to do for her / with her. Make genuine gestures that come from your heart.

Out of interest, how did you react when she did that big gesture for you? Looking at it from her perspective, that took some guts.

Thank you Violet11! :-)

I guess i should think about letting her know :-) She's very understanding in general, so she'd definitely understand - my worry is more that by "giving myself away" too much, i might lose some of the mystery in our relationship.
She already knows i can be nervous (we've laughed about it) and it hasn't seemed to put her off.

It is quite scary and amazing at the same time i must say!

I'd like to do something a bit romantic but still fun with her. I was thinking about taking her out to eat (i have a special place in mind that serves food from Normandy, which she hasn't tried) and then afterwards perhaps a play/theater/movie - any ideas?

I was very impressed and extremely glad for what she did - no doubt it was a big leap for her. I tried to show her that it meant a lot to me. It'll be hard to top ;-)

[alnsucks1]

It is indeed a very crippling condition, especially when it comes to love & dating - it's taken me many years to actually just dare ask a woman out that i'm very attracted to.
What about you - how do you handle these situations?
And thanks. You're definitely right, she does like me, which is why my fear is so misplaced and irrational. Still i can't help being afraid of getting rejected if i open up to her, but i guess i'll have to face that fear as well at some point...

[horsetheman]

I handle it just by being open and honest. Like I said, the hard part is getting your foot in door. Once in, you have to get motivation from wanting things to work out, and deal with things you normally wouldn't. I get extreme anxiety when driving in traffic. I recently started talking to someone, and before we met, I told her about it. She was very understanding, and agreed to have a late night date, so I could get there without my phobia getting in the way. When someone is willing to accept those things, it makes things a lot easier. I've been driving more in traffic on our dates now. Not because she expects me to, or is pushing me. But just to prove to her that I'm willing to deal with things I normally avoid so I can spend more time with her. If I know if my anxiety gets bad, I can pull over, and she would be understanding. Dont hide who you are, not even things like that. People are more accepting than you might think.

[alnsucks1]

I handle it just by being open and honest. Like I said, the hard part is getting your foot in door. Once in, you have to get motivation from wanting things to work out, and deal with things you normally wouldn't. I get extreme anxiety when driving in traffic. I recently started talking to someone, and before we met, I told her about it. She was very understanding, and agreed to have a late night date, so I could get there without my phobia getting in the way. When someone is willing to accept those things, it makes things a lot easier. I've been driving more in traffic on our dates now. Not because she expects me to, or is pushing me. But just to prove to her that I'm willing to deal with things I normally avoid so I can spend more time with her. If I know if my anxiety gets bad, I can pull over, and she would be understanding. Dont hide who you are, not even things like that. People are more accepting than you might think.

It's a good thing to get it out in the air like you did, i suppose. I guess it's just another facet of the disorder that i'm afraid she won't take it well, or that she might end things with me if i told her - but then again, i guess i wouldn't want to be with her anyway if she'd reject me for that.
Just another thing - i'd rather not be treated like someone with a problem. She'd probably be understanding, but i'd hate to think she was being extra careful around me/acting differently around me/being extra considerate towards me because of it. Am i just overthinking here?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Start smoking weed.

If you've already been hooking up with her, just keep doing what you're doing and if not having a relationship title is killing you, then just ask her. How long you been seeing her?

[alnsucks1]

Start smoking weed.

If you've already been hooking up with her, just keep doing what you're doing and if not having a relationship title is killing you, then just ask her. How long you been seeing her?

Haha, i just recently (5 months ago) quit smoking weed when i started college again, it didn't work wonders on my social phobia to be honest ;-)

"Not having a title" isn't what's really killing me, it's my own damn insecurity about the matter :-) I've seen her for a month soon, but she's been very adamant all the time i've known her (around 3 years) that she didn't want a boyfriend, and when we started hooking up she told me to take it slow. So, i still feel like asking her now is too soon.

She actually told me 2 days ago that her mother had asked her if we were a couple. At the time, she and i were joking around about how annoying it is to have parents invading your private life - but she did tell me that she had answered "It's a bit early to say". So, i guess that's some sort of answer :-)

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Keep seeing other girls until this one decides she definitely wants a boyfriend. She has set this up so that she doesn't have to invest emotionally, so you shouldn't either.

[alnsucks1]

Keep seeing other girls until this one decides she definitely wants a boyfriend. She has set this up so that she doesn't have to invest emotionally, so you shouldn't either.

Good point. I'll try not to put all my bets on her.