Can a "complicated relationship" get resolved?

[TablesandChairs]

What are you expectations, here? You want to be a priority, right? You want a committed relationship that will lead to a future together, not some once-a-week romp and a 'see ya next time' situation.

He's not providing that. Sure, he was keen at the start but once the fizz died down he got as flat as week-old coke left in the sun. Don't be afraid to tell him what you expect. If he gives you the old "I'm not ready for commitment' or 'Oh but you don't understand, I'm still 'traumatised' by my last relationship' etc etc, say "Okay, that's fine. But that's not what I'm looking for at this point in time. If your situation changes, let me know".

[Rowen]

Thanks Rowen... But the problem is that he is making no effort... he started being distant and cancelled dates on me two Sundays in a row, I broke up with him and now when he's meant to be redeeming himself, he cancels another date, and is bombarding me with texts; saying that he really was sick and I'm being unreasonable.

We've been fighting / breaking up over text all day. I eventually asked him what he was trying to achieve by writing me these messages? He said he wanted me "to see things from his perspective". I said "Why?" He hasnt replied...

That was probably a stupid message to write, but I just wanted to cut the bullshit. I don't like how he's been responding to me... trying to turn the whole thing into my issue. If he wants us to stay together he needs to try a different approach to his defensive texts. I am completely prepared to compromise but he's giving me nothing.

Then, the answer is clear, I'm afraid. Like I said before, you can't control him. You can't MAKE him make the effort... But you can control you. So, get your issues under control and focus on you. And if he comes back, that's great, but then you have to be tough and tell him its either that he makes the effort or hits the highway- that he needs to SHOW YOU rather than tell you. And if he doesn't come back? You're still better off because you'll find someone better who is willing to make the effort where he clearly failed to, and you will have controlled your issues so you don't make the same mistakes again.

[violet11]

Okay... update from me.

Spent all day yesterday fighting / breaking up with him (my instigation) over text. He kept insisting that he really was sick on Sunday. Eventually we had a really long phone convo and, much to my surprise, he ended up convincing me to give things another chance. He convinced me that it's just been a really bad three weeks for him, and he wasnt avoiding me. He said he's really missed me, how much I mean to him, and he's felt how it has impacted his mood not being with me. So I said let's give things a chance til Christmas... I told him that he needs to make more effort and we need to see each other 2-3 times a week. He completely agreed.

It was a really honest conversation. He told me that he doesnt view this as a boyfriend-girlfriend thing yet. He said it takes him a long time to get to that point, but that we are definitely heading there, and that he see us together in a year's time, which scares him, because that's when I'm planning to move to the States, but he doesnt see us breaking up before then (at this point I had to remind him I had dumped him earlier that day. We laughed).

I realised that I have been way more invested in this relationship than he has been. We came from very different backgrounds - before him I literally hadnt been with anyone in 2.5 years, whereas he was just about of a relationship. We both felt the amazing connection, but getting involved was a way bigger deal for me than him, and that made things very unequal. For me the situation has been life and death... for him it's been romance.

I've been stupid... accepting dates with him at the drop of a hat, not asking him to do anything for me, and being so terrified that he would leave me that I would be an exaggeration of myself. I've been obsessed with him, and thankfully since all this I feel liberated, because I know I can walk away.

[michelle23]

Uh your still being stupid. He just told you your a f**k buddy who may get more.... one day.... seriously? Rolling my eyes. Why do people like you ask for advice?

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[smiling100]

Okay... update from me.

Spent all day yesterday fighting / breaking up with him (my instigation) over text. He kept insisting that he really was sick on Sunday. Eventually we had a really long phone convo and, much to my surprise, he ended up convincing me to give things another chance. He convinced me that it's just been a really bad three weeks for him, and he wasnt avoiding me. He said he's really missed me, how much I mean to him, and he's felt how it has impacted his mood not being with me. So I said let's give things a chance til Christmas... I told him that he needs to make more effort and we need to see each other 2-3 times a week. He completely agreed.

It was a really honest conversation. He told me that he doesnt view this as a boyfriend-girlfriend thing yet. He said it takes him a long time to get to that point, but that we are definitely heading there, and that he see us together in a year's time, which scares him, because that's when I'm planning to move to the States, but he doesnt see us breaking up before then (at this point I had to remind him I had dumped him earlier that day. We laughed).

I realised that I have been way more invested in this relationship than he has been. We came from very different backgrounds - before him I literally hadnt been with anyone in 2.5 years, whereas he was just about of a relationship. We both felt the amazing connection, but getting involved was a way bigger deal for me than him, and that made things very unequal. For me the situation has been life and death... for him it's been romance.

I've been stupid... accepting dates with him at the drop of a hat, not asking him to do anything for me, and being so terrified that he would leave me that I would be an exaggeration of myself. I've been obsessed with him, and thankfully since all this I feel liberated, because I know I can walk away.

For a relationship to work should it really be this hard?



Good luck.

[violet11]

Don't really know where people are getting the idea that we're just f-buddies... We've been seeing each other since July, and only slept together in October for the first time. We see each other three times a week or more, go to cinema, go for dinner / lunch, go for walks and hikes. It's only in the last three weeks that things went pear-shaped; and I presumed the worst.

Saying that, I told him reassess things at Christmas and I meant it. I have a different set of standards now, and if he doesnt match them, I'm prepared to walk away again.

[Rowen]

Uh your still being stupid. He just told you your a f**k buddy who may get more.... one day.... seriously? Rolling my eyes. Why do people like you ask for advice?

To test the patience of advice givers. lol jk

But seriously, OP, you have your answer. Move on.

[violet11]

To be fair, I took a lot of the advice given to me here: I broke up with him, and took him back on the condition that he makes more effort.

Regarding teh relationship status: I didnt mention that we are both free to see other people. I went on a date with another guy last night. I've been out of the dating scene for so long, and I dont feel ready to commit to him. It was one of the things we talked about when he first told me he had feelings for me - I said if we got involved I needed to take things really slowly and I wanted to be free to see other people. We agreed to tell each other about it. He was with someone about two months ago, I have gone on dates with three other guys.

The problem was that all my trauma kicked back in when we started having sex, and I got really needy and desperate. I hid it as best I could but I think he felt it, and three weeks ago he pulled away: texting and calling less, not seeing me as much. Maybe he really did have a bad three weeks, maybe he was with someone else... (I know most people here will think it's the latter but we're totally open about it). Anyway, at that point I ended things with him because his pulling away was killing me.

Until three weeks ago things were amazing so I figure it deserves a second chance. I told him I would see how things went until Christmas and after that we could reassess.

Seriously, this forum has helped me a lot already - I can see my behaviours and issues a lot more clearly. I was making him too much of a priority - I was getting obsessed. I am totally open to the possibility that I'm being an idiot, but I'm not taking him as seriously now, so if he doesnt shape up, I can let it go more easily.

[michelle23]

If your not ready for committment then why not be alone for awhile until you are?

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[violet11]

If your not ready for committment then why not be alone for awhile until you are?

Because I was alone for three years! I feel ready to be close to someone but not to commit yet... it doesnt have to be all or nothing.

[michelle23]

I think you need time and space to work on your issues and figure out what you want. I dont think a half assed relationship is good for you tbh but its your choice. I just think youd either be better on your own or with someone whos stable, reliable, understanding and loving.. stability would do you good.

Its your choice tho and i wish you luck

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[violet11]

I think you need time and space to work on your issues and figure out what you want. I dont think a half assed relationship is good for you tbh but its your choice. I just think youd either be better on your own or with someone whos stable, reliable, understanding and loving.. stability would do you good.

Its your choice tho and i wish you luck

Thanks Michelle... I appreciate that. And I agree with you to a large extent... being alone is amazing. I confronted many personal issues being alone. But I couldnt confront my relationship demons... I needed to be involved with someone to do that.

It's been one of the most emotionally volatile periods of my life, but I finally feel like I'm healing. Being alone prepared me for this, but now I have to heal by living.

I know it's a risk, but I cant wrap myself in cotton wool forever...

[michelle23]

Okay good for you just dont allow him to mess you around. Realize what your worth

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[Rowen]

Because I was alone for three years! I feel ready to be close to someone but not to commit yet... it doesnt have to be all or nothing.

Seriously? Dafuq did I just read? @.@

...You are aware that the point of seeking love is to commit, correct?

[violet11]

Seriously? Dafuq did I just read? @.@

...You are aware that the point of seeking love is to commit, correct?

Lol. What does commitment mean to you? Not a trick question. Because I realised that to me, it means being prepared to work through problems with someone. I've never been able to commit to anyone in this regard... as soon as things start to go wrong I'm out of there.