Need advice on short term relationship

[michelle23]

Lol thats a film. Not real life. The only thing that takes pain/anger away is dealing with it in time. A quick romp doesnt make you suddenly forget. And i think its easier to get over a cheat in general than anyone else coz there not worth it but it would still take some time

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[violet11]

and maybe doing so with the flowers would end up upsetting her but it doesn't seem like she's really the upset one in this situation.

Josh, when you write things like this it concerns me that you're going to get mad at her and end up messing things up again. Don't victimise yourself: you're both hurting and the relationship is complicated. I know it's hard, but if you want her back you have to wait it out for two weeks and try not to resent her.

[spiritofjosh]

Josh, when you write things like this it concerns me that you're going to get mad at her and end up messing things up again. Don't victimise yourself: you're both hurting and the relationship is complicated. I know it's hard, but if you want her back you have to wait it out for two weeks and try not to resent her.

I see what you mean. I don't resent her at all and I'm doing very well keeping myself away so she can have her space (despite her EVENTUALLY receiving the flowers I sent..the flower place called and messed everything up) and I'm worrying about myself now. If any resentment at all I have is I feel as though she is forcing herself to bottle up the feelings she has for me or suppress them until they're gone and I don't know what that's going to help. But like I said, if that's what she wants to do she has her space to do it.

I don't resent her also is because I see glimmers that she does still have some sort of feelings despite only dating two months. I guess I made a heavy impression on her unlike most other guys maybe, if I'll be positive about this. I noticed yesterday on facebook she posted something along the lines of you want to love and care for me but how can you if you can't care for yourself first. I thought what she said exactly may of been song lyrics but I tried looking out of curiosity but it seems like she made them up herself. Clearly it's about me because it reflect a lot she has said regarding her worries I'll never trust her because of my insecurity and such. Either way I'm sticking with her space, not expecting her to come back and worry about myself.

Maybe eventually those damn flowers will get delivered to her.

[michelle23]

I worry you are preventing yourself from moving on. A breakup 2months in is hardly loves young dream. Look josh ive been with my bf 5 years and if he dumped me now, there would be no way back. I dont see the point honestly

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[spiritofjosh]

I don't know what it is, something about her really just left this huge feeling behind. I've never ever felt this way about any girl before in such a short amount of time. With the girl I dated for 5 years, I didn't feel this way about her until well into 6+ months dating. I've been in several relationships since, none lasting more than a few months because I or her got bored and I never looked back. The one I had posted about a few months back lasted over a year, I think the reason I was so bent over that was because it was the first person I "clicked" with for longer than a couple months but even then I look back and ask why I felt that way, we barely felt comfortable around each other.

The girl now is just indescribable, I know how silly I'd sound if I went into detail here so I won't but I can't get my mind off her. I don't even look at her facebook and she hardly posts on instagram anymore since we broke up so there's nothing to see posted, it's just my mind that always thinks about her and I can't stop it. Even when I'm surrounded by friends there's always something that reminds me of her, like random songs, random things people say or something as dumb as seeing the beer she likes to drink a shelf above the beer I'm buying a the liquor store.

I know I sound silly but it's the only way to describe this. I hope it gets easier sooner than later.

[violet11]

I've never ever felt this way about any girl before in such a short amount of time.

Okay, now I understand why I am so invested in your story, and why I relate to you. Maybe it's also the reason I should not be advising you...

I'm in a different, but similar situation. Short term relationship, explosive feelings, early break-up. Ours is a different problem (he feels we're at a point where he has to commit; he doesnt feel ready; I cant handle the limbo). I took things going wrong as a symptom that we werent right (because that's always the general consensus), but when we met the other day he told me exactly what you've said__^^. He sees this being very long term and it scares him.

Basically I can understand how such explosive emotions can lead to an an early breakup... it doesnt mean the love isnt there; it means that that the people can't handle it.

Should you cut things now or let go and observe how it evolves? Cutting things out gives you control... letting go is terrifying. But which will you regret 30 years down the line?

Like I said, maybe I shouldnt be giving you advice, because I am choosing the second approach. I broke up with him twice but now I dont doubt the authenticity of his feelings any more, and I realise that maybe if I truly love him, I need to compromise, instead of demanding to get what I want. I know many people would think that's stupid, but if you want something different from what you've always had, sometimes you need to do something different from what you've always done.

If you believe in your connection (which I think you do, deep down), then put your faith in that. Don't wait forever obviously, but decide on an amount of time you think you can. Two weeks, one month, whatever.

I'm reading an interesting book at the moment: "Why women talk and men walk". Basically talks about how most relationship problems stem from couples triggering each other's fear or shame mechanisms. It might be interesting for you to read, so you can understand why you might have reacted like you did, and why she is now reacting as she is.

Hugs.

[spiritofjosh]

Okay, now I understand why I am so invested in your story, and why I relate to you. Maybe it's also the reason I should not be advising you...

I'm in a different, but similar situation. Short term relationship, explosive feelings, early break-up. Ours is a different problem (he feels we're at a point where he has to commit; he doesnt feel ready; I cant handle the limbo). I took things going wrong as a symptom that we werent right (because that's always the general consensus), but when we met the other day he told me exactly what you've said__^^. He sees this being very long term and it scares him.

Basically I can understand how such explosive emotions can lead to an an early breakup... it doesnt mean the love isnt there; it means that that the people can't handle it.

Should you cut things now or let go and observe how it evolves? Cutting things out gives you control... letting go is terrifying. But which will you regret 30 years down the line?

Like I said, maybe I shouldnt be giving you advice, because I am choosing the second approach. I broke up with him twice but now I dont doubt the authenticity of his feelings any more, and I realise that maybe if I truly love him, I need to compromise, instead of demanding to get what I want. I know many people would think that's stupid, but if you want something different from what you've always had, sometimes you need to do something different from what you've always done.

If you believe in your connection (which I think you do, deep down), then put your faith in that. Don't wait forever obviously, but decide on an amount of time you think you can. Two weeks, one month, whatever.

I'm reading an interesting book at the moment: "Why women talk and men walk". Basically talks about how most relationship problems stem from couples triggering each other's fear or shame mechanisms. It might be interesting for you to read, so you can understand why you might have reacted like you did, and why she is now reacting as she is.

Hugs.

Thank you and that sounds interesting actually, the book. Typically in relationships I always have the attraction from the beginning, then once it gets emotional and I'm in the position where I can be with this person, I back off emotionally even if I don't want to. Like I "won" them over and now I'm done. It always makes me feel terrible but I guess I usually can't help how I feel so I break it off and move on, explaining my feelings weren't as strong as I had thought. That's why I say this situation is so much different, I developed the attraction months ago, eventually the feelings developed when we started talking and they stuck around and stayed that way.

During the first argument we had, where she was crying over me not trusting her, we both talked about how "I'm at the age where I'm not looking for short relationships to jump from over and over" to see if this was going to scare her away, because I'm 27 and she's turning 22 soon. She told me that despite she's "only 21" that she doesn't really feel she fits the typical 21 year old girl stereotype. That she's not surrounded by millions of guys and gets drunk every single night and doesn't know what she wants. That she wants to share her life with somebody who will care for her (currently something to look at with our present situation) and that she isn't afraid to commit and stay with something worth staying with...and basically said I had everything she could ever want or ask for.

What I said about somebody to care for her; that's what I mentioned earlier on. That she feels like I'm so insecure about her hurting me from something not having anything to do with her that I'll never fully care for her and if she can't make me trust her than why stay with me.

It's one of those situations where I wish I knew what she was thinking without having to ask, probably wouldn't ask if I could anyway, just to get some peace of mind. I don't expect her to come back and I'm not in any position to try and get her to because that, in almost everybody's experience only makes the situation worse. I haven't talked to her and she hasn't spoken to me so I guess that's it for now. Time will heal the wounds.

[violet11]

Well, if it's any consolation, I have told the guy I'm seeing that we need to put things on ice for a month... and it's not that I don't want to be with him. We need space to figure things out. Maybe it wont work out, maybe it will... that's what space is for. So basically her asking you for space is not an indication of her feelings for you.

I do know couples that had really awkward get togethers, and those who had long breaks in the middle of their relationships, and they got married, so anything is possible.

I know it's hell being in limbo, but I don't think you will really be able to write it off. I know we're all saying give her space but... women are not straight forward. She probably wants space, but not too much :p

Maybe give it a few more days , and then be direct with her. Ask her if she wants to work things out. If her answer is affirmative, you guys can draw up a plan together. Find some kind of compromise that will allow you both to retain your self respect.

In relation to attraction etc - you might find this interesting: http://www.lovepanky.com/women/dating-men-tips-for-women/how-men-fall-in-love-stages-of-love

[spiritofjosh]

Well, if it's any consolation, I have told the guy I'm seeing that we need to put things on ice for a month... and it's not that I don't want to be with him. We need space to figure things out. Maybe it wont work out, maybe it will... that's what space is for. So basically her asking you for space is not an indication of her feelings for you.

I do know couples that had really awkward get togethers, and those who had long breaks in the middle of their relationships, and they got married, so anything is possible.

I know it's hell being in limbo, but I don't think you will really be able to write it off. I know we're all saying give her space but... women are not straight forward. She probably wants space, but not too much :p

Maybe give it a few more days , and then be direct with her. Ask her if she wants to work things out. If her answer is affirmative, you guys can draw up a plan together. Find some kind of compromise that will allow you both to retain your self respect.

In relation to attraction etc - you might find this interesting: http://www.lovepanky.com/women/dating-men-tips-for-women/how-men-fall-in-love-stages-of-love

Of course, I take all advice with open arms. I don't prefer good or bad advice because I can take it how it sounds if its bad or good. Your advice just seems more realistic to me, maybe it's because I'm trying to be hopeful and just naturally biased towards it or maybe because from past relationships my current ex doesn't really seem to be deliberately telling me to piss off, I'm not exactly sure. But I guess I sometimes feel better waiting to see if she'll contact because while we aren't speaking it will get easier day by day to move on rather than try and talk to her and her reject me completely and I'm hurt all over.

Unfortunately or maybe fortunately I still have her movies, ones I know she's going to want back so I'm waiting to see when and how she'll try and get them back. Probably via mutual friend like how she gave one of ours my coat to return to me...only to text me to let me know she did as if our friend wouldn't of told me

[spiritofjosh]

violet11: that site you showed me I ended up browsing through, very interesting and definitely relative to a lot of things.

[violet11]

Well thank you I'm glad you appreciate my advice. Haha, maybe it's more more compassionate than realistic But I dunno... any time I've followed my head and cut people out / blamed them for everything... I didnt learn much from the experience and in fact just accumulated more baggage. The relationship I'm in at the moment has been the most volatile and emotional of my life... but weirdly it's the one where I've experienced the most personal growth. I came into it with a ton of baggage, and I feel like I'm losing a piece with every tear I cry. Right, now I sound like a masochist :p

I know - that site has loads of interesting articles. I really want you to read the book I mentioned though. Normally I dont finish those self help books, but I read this one in a day and am starting to re-read. It's amazing. It actually talks about how the most destructive phrase to come from psychology is "getting your needs met" because those little words just promote entitlement, resentment and self centredness... which are the major problems in all relationships in the world. The book teaches compassion and binocular vision.

It also talks about how people generally have one of three (unconscious) motivators for their actions: attacking, defending, or being open, and how just being conscious of this (and choosing to be open / approachable) can totally change your relationship dynamics.

[spiritofjosh]

Well thank you I'm glad you appreciate my advice. Haha, maybe it's more more compassionate than realistic But I dunno... any time I've followed my head and cut people out / blamed them for everything... I didnt learn much from the experience and in fact just accumulated more baggage. The relationship I'm in at the moment has been the most volatile and emotional of my life... but weirdly it's the one where I've experienced the most personal growth. I came into it with a ton of baggage, and I feel like I'm losing a piece with every tear I cry. Right, now I sound like a masochist :p

I know - that site has loads of interesting articles. I really want you to read the book I mentioned though. Normally I dont finish those self help books, but I read this one in a day and am starting to re-read. It's amazing. It actually talks about how the most destructive phrase to come from psychology is "getting your needs met" because those little words just promote entitlement, resentment and self centredness... which are the major problems in all relationships in the world. The book teaches compassion and binocular vision.

It also talks about how people generally have one of three (unconscious) motivators for their actions: attacking, defending, or being open, and how just being conscious of this (and choosing to be open / approachable) can totally change your relationship dynamics.

I'm going to totally look into it. Funny you mentioned a few things it touches in because it reminded me a relationship issue I brought here months ago, Michelle remembers. When that was all said and done, over a year of dating, I finally realized that I wanted the relationship just because it was there and I was being selfish, I hardly had any connection with the girl.

That's why I'm buggin' over this one because all the things I learned from it where how selfless I can actually be when I care for somebody as much as I cared for her, and naturally. I never had to think twice about reaching out to help her, or give my all for her. Ironically it ended up being the shortest "significant" relation I've been in wheras the other meaningless or mentally exhausting ones lasted a year or more. I try and wonder how my behavior was them compared to now.

[violet11]

Thing is... how we are in a relationship is 50% us, 50% them. SO maybe you were selfish in previous relationships because you were with women who were always in "attack" mode, which made you withdraw. This latest chick was probably quite open, spontaneous, made you feel safe, and so you were able to express your higher qualities. Which is why you fell so hard for her.

We only partly love the person; mostly we love how they make us feel.

Ps. Any updates??

[spiritofjosh]

Thing is... how we are in a relationship is 50% us, 50% them. SO maybe you were selfish in previous relationships because you were with women who were always in "attack" mode, which made you withdraw. This latest chick was probably quite open, spontaneous, made you feel safe, and so you were able to express your higher qualities. Which is why you fell so hard for her.

We only partly love the person; mostly we love how they make us feel.

Ps. Any updates??

Nope, haven't heard from her and didn't reach out to her in any way.

[cheeze_guy]

Time heals all and you sir need some time and should probably delete her off social media until you can stop lookin at her remembering all the good times. The next girl will help you get over the last but until then ease up on checking the ex out online