I feel like I'm pathetically dragging out a failed relationship. Please help.

[mccoppin123]

I'm a 28 year old gay male, and I moved to San Francisco three years ago to start a grad program and to start my life in earnest. The first week of classes I met a guy. He was a year ahead of me in school, super intelligent, funny as hell, and gorgeous to boot. We became inseparable pretty quickly. I fell in love with him and wanted to date him, and told him so a couple of times. He definitely had some feelings for me, and told me so, but didn't want to date. That was OK -- I contented myself with our intense friendship and the fact that we hooked up occasionally and spent the night together often. We did almost everything together, everyone knew we had feelings for each other, and most people assumed we were boyfriends. But many also knew that I was more into it than he was. And our relationship (or non-relationship) definitely has precluded us from pursuing other serious romantic interests. We may not have been dating officially, but we were definitely de facto dating, marked with brief spurts of fighting and spending some nominal time apart.

A few months ago we gave actual, exclusive dating a brief shot (at his suggestion, still don't get why). It didn't work, and I know it had a lot to do with the fact that he just isn't that into me. The emotional connection is "the best he's ever had", but frankly he's better looking than me, and the physical spark is only there when we're drinking. The breakup was pretty mutual -- I was miserable because I acutely felt the lack of enough sex and affection.

It took us less than a week to start hanging out 3-4 nights a week again, mostly w/o the sex (we are that co-dependent -- not even a breakup will keep us apart for long). I don't know if I should have read the signs and cut my losses a long time ago. I do know I harbor a secret hope that we work out in the future. I don't know if sticking around and subjecting myself to the emotional hurt of being in love with my best friend is pathetic. All of our friends are mutual, and I feel like I can't live without him. We're in the same social circle, in the same profession, in the same city. I feel like we're destined/doomed for each other. I go on dates, and see other people, but so far I've refused to give up hope that we end up together. In fact I would almost always rather spend the night with him, even without sex and with that pain of rejection and inadequacy, than go on dates. Is this as pathetic as I'm coming to believe it is? Advice desperately needed.

[Valixy]

You should move on, I think. You've waited and tried enough, you've even had a short romance attempt and he still wasn't on the same page with you. He's connection to you is different and you should maybe sacrifice it in order to feel better and complete again. You will feel worse at the beginning, you can count on that, especially because you share so much together, but remember, a challenge appears in your life because there's a lesson that you need to learn but also because you're capable of overcoming it. When you will, you will feel so unbelievably well, centered, balanced and so happy when you will meet someone who will love you back the way you do. You're just wasting your time and suffering and it isn't worth it. There's a big beautiful world outthere and you can meet someone who can make you feel totally special and the right one. Distance yourself as much as you can given the circumstances, let go these false hopes that drag you down and invest your energies in positive projects that you can enjoy and feel stimulated and you'll feel better little by little. Good luck.

[Rowen]

To start, I'd like to express my empathy for you, as I know exactly what the situation you're in feels like. Though mine was not exactly like yours, it was very similar, and looking back, the best thing I can tell you to do is to get your space. I know it's hard, especially when you account for the fact that you love him. It makes you crazy and long to spend every waking hour just talking to him. But how can this be healthy if it's only making you miserable and down?

It's hard looking past the tree to see the forest when you're standing right under its branches, but you've given him more than enough time to show how he feels, if he truly is as into you as he stated. And, from all I've read, he has not returned it with action... To me, that says he either isn't very aware of what feeling like that really is (in short; infatuation rather than anything deeper) or he's not very showy of his feelings. Either way, I'm sorry to say that I think that the emotional compatibility is not there. And I think it's the former which is the correct answer.

Look at the facts; you took a shot to ask him out and try to build something with him. And did he accept, despite feeling the same way? No. He twisted it into an awkward friendship which had you waiting around for a long while. And I know from your post it hurt you to wait because it would hurt anyone in such a situation. Then, finally when he did suggest trying to be exclusive, he barely had the time of day for you and only hurt you more until you two mutually broke up. That tells me he wasn't trying if he felt like that at all.

However, I think the fact that you can't walk away is also something to examine here, among other things. So, if you don't mind my asking, what issues do you both have which make you co-dependent (Like, are you insecure. Is he insecure?) Because if it is what I think it is, I may be able to offer a better idea on how to cope and get through this.

What was his reasoning for suddenly wanting to be exclusive?

I hope this helps some-with more information, I might be able to help more. But as I end this post, I'll leave you with some parting things to think about.
The first is that co-dependent relationships are not healthy. Usually, one side tends to take more than the other, throwing it out of balance until something similar to this happens. And second, if you only refuse to give up hope, you'll never truly give any other man a chance.
Take it from a guy who was emotionally torturing himself by refusing to give up hope in a situation with a guy; when you let go, the healing can begin so you can find a guy who will treat you right. It gets better, OP; I promise.

Hope this helps. If you need anything, you can PM me if you'd like. Otherwise, I'll try to provide my best advice in this thread.

[PatriciaQT]

IF you dont realy realy like someone
you have no right leading them on.

People dont like to live in a bubble.
People want their partners to be real with them.

Youll only get a messy split up if you keep dragging it along without being in it.

Give your partner a chance to win you back first.

[Valixy]

Give your partner a chance to win you back first.

This guy isn't interested in him sexually, so he is not a potential partner for the OP and he shouldn't be given any other chance. The OP should move on completely for his own emotional and mental well being. Three years of false and painful hopes is more than enough. I agree with your other lines though.

[TablesandChairs]

Some people can look past physical attraction and focus on the connection (mental/emotional). Sometimes, the attraction can come from that. So, you might say "okay he's not as tall as I'd like...but doesn't matter, I like him'. But you guys have known each other for long enough so I dare say if it hasn't happened by now, it may never will.

While I understand you enjoy his company and sure, being with him probably is better than going on some mediocre date...fact is, this prohibits you from meeting someone who will meet all your needs and vice versa. Even if you're free to physical date...you're not free to emotionally do so. I think you might be delaying the inevitable, here.

But, it doesn't have to be make/break. Simply try distancing yourself bit by bit - partake in things that he's not involved in. Make some new friends (easier said than done), get a hobby...go on dates just for the sake of it (you never know). Perhaps if he feels you pulling away, he might think twice about what he's losing. If not...well, so be it.

[mccoppin123]

Thank you so much for the advice, it's been very helpful!

Rowen, you asked: "However, I think the fact that you can't walk away is also something to examine here, among other things. So, if you don't mind my asking, what issues do you both have which make you co-dependent (Like, are you insecure. Is he insecure?) Because if it is what I think it is, I may be able to offer a better idea on how to cope and get through this. What was his reasoning for suddenly wanting to be exclusive?"

I think that we're both insecure in a lot of respects. As for me, I see in him some qualities that I envy. He's extremely good looking (though he's insecure about it -- the gay scene in California is full of very attractive and successful young men, and though we've both got a lot going on and have a lot to offer, there's a constant struggle to measure up). He's loud, funny, and gregarious. I'm more introspective and reserved, and though socially popular, would prefer to develop some of those same qualities. We both also drink too much. While alcohol is everywhere in this city, and indeed in our profession (we're both soon-to-be attorneys), we have a bit of a reputation for over-imbibing. Generally we're just funnier/funner in social situations when we drink, but we have often overdone it and it has come back to bite us on many occasions. We definitely enable each other's drinking. We are also just very much at ease with each other, comfortable with each other -- I know his family (his Mom thinks I'm "the one"), all of his friends from the different parts of his life, and vice-versa.

Also a lot of his insecurities relate to why he wanted to start dating in the first place. Before we dated exclusively, I was spending a lot of time with him, but also seeing a couple of other attractive guys in our social circle. He was definitely jealous and even tried to sabotage those relationships "so as to push them away." Things had been going very well with us, and while we spent the vast majority of our time together, I was also doing my own thing. Also, he graduated and took the bar exam just months before, but did not have a legal job lined up. There's a lot of stress and instability surrounding that situation. Though I haven't graduated yet, I have a well-paying and prestigious job secured for next year, and there was a general idea among some of our friends (I found out later) that taking advantage of that situation was one of the primary reasons he wanted to date. I also felt that, but gave him the benefit of the doubt -- after all, it's a full year before I start that job.

He told me after the breakup that he thought I wanted a relationship so badly that he wanted to want it too, and thought it might work if he threw himself into it, but ultimately "did not love me enough to be a relationship with me." I don't think that's true (nor how most relationships work). I was mostly very happy with our relationship as it was before we dated (nor I had not discussed with him the possibility of dating for quite some time). Maybe it seemed like I was no longer as interested as I once was, I was seeing other people, and generally just kicking ass. That, along with the instability of having to figure out life without school and finding a legal job, I think were the reasons that pushed him to want to date. He started introducing me to his new coworkers (@ food-service gig to pay the bills) as his boyfriend, and that's what sparked the conversation.