why do i need constance reassurance?

[basilandthyme]

May I suggest that your question needs to be "how do I stop blaming my ex for the situation I'm currently in?" Because Backup is right - you have to own your own behaviour before you can fix it.

[howsie2228]

really so maybe i should just let him go.......? he says he does love me..... but im up in the air thinking is he just saying that to keep me happy or is it real......... these days it just seems to be about him.... n i feel i don't exsist as much as i used to ........

He did say he would be happy if i didn't continue to bring up the relationship etc.... so maybe i will just try that. and see where it takes us...

I just hate myself so much that i did and still have a great guy but i have just pushed and pushed it

Thanks BackUpOrGetStng..

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Until you stop hating yourself, you're going to keep doing things to **** this up, I think.

[howsie2228]

..... yeh sure i understand.........
We are great together when were having fun etc... we work so well together.

Its just then i go and F**k it up GRRRRR!....

[BackUpOrGetStng]

How do you spend most of your time? Do you work? School? Hobbies? Anything without him?

[howsie2228]

yeh i work as a receptionist........

yeh i have time 4 days till my self ( but we are always in contact , maybe i gotta stop and wait for him to message me) i see him wednesdays, fridays, saturdays and sundays.....

But when im away from him i feel i miss him more then he misses me .....

[midnightkisses]

There has to be something about yourself that you're not happy with. It can be your financial situation, or maybe you aren't happy with a physical feature, or something. Also, being with an abusive man can really lower your self-esteem, and make you think that you are worthless. Don't listen to any of that, it's not true. I know having somebody say that doesn't help too much, but it's the truth. Trust me, I know. Everything that you've said is exactly how I feel when it comes to me and my boyfriend. I'm not happy with myself, and I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me so very much. So me not being happy with myself, makes me freak out a lot if he goes out somewhere, and even to family events (because somebody can bring a friend is my argument), and I get all pissy if he doesn't answer my texts right away or whatever. Even if we're apart for whatever reason, I believe that I miss him more, and that I'm the only one who's sad when we're apart. However, he shows that he loves me so much, and would never do anything to hurt me. We're together 24/7 pretty much, with one day without seeing each other (Sunday), though sometimes I see him on Sunday, too if he doesn't have work. Think about you are your boyfriend. How does he show you that he loves and cares about you, and how often. If there is a lot more evidence that he wouldn't leave you or do anything to hurt you than not, then you need to work on what it is that makes you feel that way, and try and work on it. You need to build up your confidence. Definitely easier said than done. But each day, focus on what you do like about yourself, and think about it all day and remind yourself that if he didn't love or care about you, he wouldn't be wasting his time with you. If he wanted someone else, he would be with them. But he's with YOU, and he loves YOU. Maybe talk about this with him. Maybe telling him, and getting his support is what you need in order to get through this. I've talked about this with my boyfriend, and he's been really good about supporting me, and talking to me about how every negative thought I have about myself and our relationship isn't true, and gives me his reasons. Good luck

[howsie2228]

Thanks so much. That really helps and makes me think about things in a clearer perspective.........


Its hard... when you have done something for so long and trying now to make it better.... and learning how to do it all over again the proper way.....

I know he does love me, we will be having a chat but i don't know how to express it properly and kinda get to the point.

He tell me he loves me but sometimes its not enough i need to be shown, i have always had affectionate partners where as current one isn't maybe that could have a lot to do with it ... who knows.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I can say with almost absolute certainty that you miss him more than he misses you, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. If you see someone 4 days a week, I don't think you should really miss them, because to me that's a lot of contact. Maybe if you're married or a very long term live-in relationship or have children or something very heavy like that, but otherwise, 3-4 days a week is enough space but also a good amount of contact to continue to push things forward. I'm a pretty busy person too though. You didn't mention any hobbies or things you like to do without him for fun...?

When you talk to him just be as blunt as possible. This is already a convoluted, murky topic so trying to spare someone's feelings is just going to sound like bullshit. I sense you will end up on a break, blown off, or some other unresolved situation, if you don't know exactly what you want to do before having this conversation.

[midnightkisses]

You're welcome, and I'm glad it helped I know how you feel about the affectionate thing, but remember that he has his reasons. One thing you should remember is to get your feelings out, yes, but remember that he has feelings and reasons for things, too, so listen to them as well.

[howsie2228]

he already told me if i don't pull up im gone. we've already had this conversation.

Ive tried to not contact him for a few hours and that was okay...... he says that i don't need to be in constant contact... everything you are saying is correct.

change ... i just hate.

Well i spend time with my friends, gym, shopping, rock n roll dancing. there's a few things ....

I think if i don't contact him he isn't thinking about me......... i know i don't need to contact him 24/7 i know i am smothering him.....

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Why does he need to be constantly thinking about you?

Don't answer the question, but just think about it.

[howsie2228]

You know i can't help but answer LOL........

i suppose two years.. its not like when we first met.......... we have our lives to live without thinking of each other constantly hey.....?

[AnErin]

I don't know if anyone said this but -
So you started this thread back in May. You were with him two years then and today it is 2.5 years. Am I right? Might I assume you two have been intimate, probably more times than you can count? If so...
Listen - if he was going to dump you, he would have done so already. I KNOW it is hard when one is in love to not worry that something bad will happen but at this point, there probably isn't gonna be some "Welp, good to know ya. sayonnara!"

Typically in a relationship, one person initiates contact WAY more than the other person. Not sure why but that seems my experience. When I was married, my ex would always be the one calling me if we were not home. Even now my ex is the one who calls or emails. Not much but it happens. So then - worry not if he doesn't text back right away. He feels secure in the relationship.

On a bad note - yes you could eventually drive him away if you are too needy. Relationships are hard to find. They must be built. You two have built something. It is not like when we were in high school and a relationship was based on, "hey you are cute, let's get married!" without knowing the person. It is not likely he is going to just leave. If you WANT to keep him, just give him a bit more space. If he loves you, I can almost promise he will be the one then worried about why you have not texted HIM back.

Wow, I say all this and yet I worry about my new relationship a lot. Yet for me - I do not contact my new "date" more than three times a week unless there is a specific reason.

Also - yes even LTR can end up breaking up BUT - you will usually have a lot of warning ahead of time. "Honey, this is the problem we need to work on". If he is giving those speeches, please listen to him and work on the problems. My ex told me the things wrong with our relationship but I blew it off. Of course OUR main problem was we neglected each other and took each other for granted. Many smaller problems also but LTR are case by case and not "one size fits all" like new relationships tend to be.

[howsie2228]

AnErin I started this post on the 5th dec actually.