Confused and don't know what to do next

[Kuikkusu]

Where do I start?

Trying to make this as chronological as possible. Please forgive the length of it.

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 3 years and have lived with her for 2 of those. It has had its ups and downs over those years but the last 6 months specifically have been very tough on our relationship due to her wanting kids and my reluctance to go down that path. It all came to a head recently when my girlfriend came into some bad news about her father having a major stroke. I initially did my part in trying to support her with it by taking some days off work, but I eventually I had to return to work a number of days later whilst she supported her mum with it all.

We spoke on the phone at a great length the other day about our future after some good news about her fathers improving condition, where we agreed that a break might be the best thing for us both in the new year but not to commit to anything until we got Christmas out of the way and her family situation had improved to where she could focus on our relationship again and what direction both of wanted. There is a lot more I am missing, but this gives you a vague idea of my present situation on that front.

Here is where it gets a little bit messy..

I recently hooked up with a woman (known her at work for about 8 months). She is 40 years old and Polish and I am 33 and English. She is absolutely stunning but she kept telling me that she does not think she is because of her age. I know it's natural for a woman to feel this way but her age does not bother me in the slightest!

She is also a Catholic and I am non-religous (though I am open to the idea) - something that I know can be a serious stumbling block for a male/female relationship when based on religious beliefs.

The biggest kicker though is that she has been in a relationship for 18 years with her present boyfriend (also a Catholic I am assuming). I'll get more into that below, though.

On Wednesday we attended a work Christmas party, where we hooked up towards the end of it after a little bit of drunken flirtiness - we was not completely drunk, mind you, due to us both discussing it a little bit later on that we remembered everything we said and did that evening. We never quite took it to the next level, due to someone else being around us in the lead up to having to go home via a taxi. All the while though she allowed me to caress her face, body, neck and so on with some light kissing in between. She kept staring at me with a longing gaze everytime I said something or touched her in a way that was seemingly a big turn on for her, but kept pushing me away when the other person in the taxi with us (also another work colleague) turned to look at us and see what we were up to from time to time.

Eventually the taxi got her home and we went our seperate ways for the evening.

The next day she turned up late to work and immediately came to my desk to ask how I was feeling after the night before. I had a sudden surge of butterflies when I saw her again but it was difficult to find something nice to say with so many other work colleagues in the office at the same time. We briefly exchanged words and glances and then the whole day felt awkward to the point where I was finding it difficult to come over to her to speak to her about things because too many people were around that would easily put 2 and 2 together about us suddenly talking more than usual.

She left work that evening not saying anything to me, not even a goodbye..but then I think that was my fault for being quite distant during the day in order to keep peoples suspicions at bay. Perhaps she was doing the same?

The next day was spent with a better atmosphere than on the previous day, where we spoke a great deal more in the lead up to yet another Christmas party we attended again at work. My god she looked beautiful. The dress she was wearing was sensational and I was mesmerised by her glow the whole evening. I knew she wanted to see and speak to me again that evening and pick up where we left off from the other night.

We began the night having a couple of drinks before hitting the main party and we opened up a bit about what happened previously. This was a massive indicator that she was very interested in me due to her letting me know that she liked it when I touched her, but there was something beneath the surface still that was hard to understand until later into the evening when she opened up a lot more..

One thing led to another and we had quite a few drinks again and took to the dancefloor to have a bit of a dance. She had her hands all over me, as did I all over her, and everything just felt right at that moment in time. We both agreed that we needed to get away from everyone at the party that might be staring at us. I couldn't for the life of me come up with a suitable location for us to be together (we talked about a hotel - but it felt a bit sordid and wrong if we did that, and even even more so when you consider her religious beliefs) and so we just ended back in the office, where it was apparent at this point that she had a little bit too much to drink compared to me. A couple of hours went by where I just held her to keep her safe and she eventually sobered up somewhat to the point where we could discuss things properly and in more detail.

She already knew about the situation with my girlfriends father due to it being quite common knowledge amongst the office. She told me that I need to work on that side of things first before I can be absolutely sure of rushing into anything with her. We also spoke about her relationship and the fact that her boyfriend has become ordinary over the years and does not give her the affection and warmth she craves these days.

She kept saying to me that I know nothing about her, so how could I be so attached so soon. My only response was that this was the first time ever I had felt this way about anyone. Yes, when I met my girlfriend it was great and those first months felt like heaven a little bit, but this situation I am in now has me feeling far different than I have ever felt before about someone. We sort of got to the point where she was resigning herself to the fact that we might not ever be able to be together because of all the complications. This was a little disheartening to hear from her but I know that's not what she wants.

We left our work at about 4am in the morning where I arranged a taxi for us to both get home. The journey was quite long and in the back of the taxi she pressed and layed against me whilst I was stroking her hair and face. I even got the driver to turn up the radio with a song that seemed quite fitting for our situation. She remarked that the song on the radio made her feel confused about everything again. Again she kept looking at me with her big gorgeous eyes. Her smell was fantastic and I did not want it to end.

Summing this up all seems quite weird. Yes nothing happened in the way you would expect it - part of it is down to the way I like to respect women.

I know she wants to be with me but there are just soo many stumbling blocks before we can settle down with a solution to it all.

What do I do now? give her the space so she can work things out with her partner? do I finish sooner with my girlfriend in order to give her the reassurance she needs that I am commited?

I'm seriously confused and want to know if anyone can advise me on the way forward. The last thing I want is to completely fall for this woman and have to see her almost every day and we'll never be able to do anything about it because of own issues with our current relationships and the problem that we both live with our partners currently and this would be giant step in a different direction if we did pursue things to the next level.

Everything just feels completely backward right now but for some reason I know it feels right to be with this woman.

[mollymari]

Well, free and clear may be the first step. I mean, how can you pursue each other when your both in relationships with other people. First things first. Free yourself. You need to be fair to all involved and offer closure before anything new can truly begin.

[Boisdevie]

My advice. Stop being an idiot. Clearly your current relationship isn't working so either fix it (if that's possible) or end it. Then, when you're single, go dating and find somebody who is also single.

[michelle23]

Your with your gf 3 years. Assumably everything is great until her father gets sick. Your relationship hits a rough patch and your too weak and pathetic to be a supportive spouse during this time so you bail on her, line of a plan B, start having a sordid affair with someone your merely infatuated by (which you stupidly mistake for love) and end up complicating your life 100x more.

Your not marriage material. Your not a man and you do not have the inner strenght, emotional maturity or integrity for a real life relationship.

Tell your gf the truth and let her go coz you really dont deserve her. Then go and throw the rest of your life down the toilet with your delusional BS

[smackie9]

The reality is your GF is not the one, if she was, you two would be excited about getting married and starting a family. You are dragging your heels, and she senses if it's not happening now it's not going to happen and she is just wasting her time. Face it, you don't want a future with your GF, so you may as well end the relationship. Just because you have invested 3 years in something doesn't mean you need to save it.

As for this co-worker, she is just an infatuation that has bad idea written all over it.

Be single and date other singles.

[Kuikkusu]

Little bit harsh there but I totally get where you are coming from.

I spoke to my girlfriend on the phone before this happened. I am not bailing on her at all. I am remaining fully supportive of her situation and have done so since this happened. I will continue to support her even if we do decide to have some time apart. As I already said, we had hit rocky ground even before this all happened.

Timing has been absolutely dreadful, but I want her to be happy and she wants the same for me. There is no malice between us, though granted I am not doing myself any favours by starting to fall for a woman while this has been happening. Maybe marriage and kids is not for me but we all deserve to be happy I would have thought?

I don't for one second think this is love with this new woman, either, but the feelings are there all the same.

[michelle23]

Your cheating on her. Thats gonna create a lot of malice. Your being an a**hole and do you honestly think a lady whose in an 18 year relationship is ready for a new one even if she leaves him? Your both just gonna be rebounds to each other. This is not gonna go anywhere. Its not gonna end well and all your gonna do is hurt a lot of people. This doesnt just affect you and her. It affects your gf, her partner, their kids (if they have any) both your families and in laws.

Affairs are never the answer and how are the two of you ever gonna trust each other when you both know your both capable of cheating as soon as things get a little stale or difficult..

Your a grown man and your allowing this infatuation to rule. Grow up and start acting your age. Stop being so selfish. End your relationship, stay away from your new woman (unless she becomes single) and learn to deal with relationship conflict in a more mature manner. This is so unhealthy what your doing

[smackie9]

I don't see how my honesty on your situation is harsh.....It's reality that you need to face up to. I can see you setting things aside for now because your GF needs support BUT you are not doing anyone any favors fraternizing with a co-worker. You are a selfish ass for doing that to your GF. I don't see any honor by being by her side, when secretly you are steps away from putting your dick into another women. I feel so sorry for your GF....

[michelle23]

I feel sorry for her too.

btw OP, the problems you have been having with your gf for however long are NO excuse for your behaviour now. All relationships have ups and downs, problems, rough patches- thats life. You either fix it or you leave. Its v simple. You dont line up a plan B and start cheating before you go. That is disrespecting everything you ever had with this girl. She trusts you and loves you and you have betrayed her in the worst possible way

[woody]

Little bit harsh there but I totally get where you are coming from.

I spoke to my girlfriend on the phone before this happened. I am not bailing on her at all. I am remaining fully supportive of her situation and have done so since this happened. I will continue to support her even if we do decide to have some time apart. As I already said, we had hit rocky ground even before this all happened.

Timing has been absolutely dreadful, but I want her to be happy and she wants the same for me. There is no malice between us, though granted I am not doing myself any favours by starting to fall for a woman while this has been happening. Maybe marriage and kids is not for me but we all deserve to be happy I would have thought?

I don't for one second think this is love with this new woman, either, but the feelings are there all the same.

Dear OP, back again. Quiet one today. Um, yeah, well, nothing quite like the brute truths from the Bluelight crew. Better salted with some sting than sugar coated with b.s right?
But back to you. Yes, everyone needs happiness. It is rather sad about your first ladies Father and the timing of it all but I must agree with what that other guy said about being truly in love with the first lady, you'd not stray as you have been right? What of the other gal, she too is in a relationship and straying. You trust that?.

You say things got rocky between you and your first lady right? Well, the truth is going to come out eventually. If you think your saving her feelings by hiding truth about you and the new one, your kidding yourself.
It will hurt her a whole heck of allot more when she finds out you lied all this time. Believe me, it's going to hurt like hell for both of you when you tell her now but it could have irreversible damage if you continue hiding facts she has every right to know in your attempt to save her feelings now. Just tell her. You two have been together awhile. How'd you like it if the situation was reversed. You'd want to know now right?
Well there you go man. Hey, ball up and do what you know is the right thing to do. It doesn't make you bad guy, it makes you an honest man.

Oh yes, one more thing. I'd be cautious dating a woman that's cheating on her man with you for if it's in a person to do something like that, your delusional if you think they won't put you through that as well because hey, there's ALWAYS going to be someone who turns your head or her's at some point. It's what we do with that curious nature that mould's a character; and I am NOT saying your character is any less than good. One cannot help what the heart feels, just how it reacts. If you are not happy with your first lady, you must tell her.
Honesty in hindsight is always way more appreciated than a lying man/woman you trusted enough to let in and love....
good luck