well, i'm 20 and am a generally happy guy now a days, I have goals. I work third shift and strangely enjoy it, love to run, and might be a police officer. This is my first post here so I guess I introduced myself.

well this year I changed jobs, reconnected with old friends, started college, been on a few dates, went on a summer trip. Been a real solid year.

here's a backstory on why i'm venting, and I want to say beforehand the subject matter is a little sensitive so lets be respectful, if your intention is not to be... well. Ok In may I saw my cousin for the first time in almost 5 years. were both 19, at the time she had a girlfriend in a serious relationship. and that week was pretty fun. what surprised me was after her and our grandma left I got a crush on her, after a few weeks it went away (just had to think through it and whats logical, get my head in reality). well shortly after she left i sent a text saying how i miss her and wanted to see her and she agreed and said itll happen soon.
fast forward to around thanksgiving, her and grandma come down for almost a week and it was a lot of fun, we reconnected more and it seems like i actually know her versus being a kid and playing on a playset. the day before she left we were together the whole time and talked about almost everything.

a day or two later i sent a drunk text (yea we drank a little) and said how i missed her and thought she was beautiful etc etc.. shortly later i panicked inside because of the nature of it but later found out it wasnt like that at all.

about what was in the text and how i actually feel? well i dont have a crush on her. i do really like her, ive known her for a really long time. but its not a crush because theres nothing sexual about it. I flirted a little with her but nothing serious and she did the same, but were couisns for crying out loud. but she honestly is pretty attractive but I just can't imagine sex. maybe if i didnt know her haha. but seeing someone for 15+ years...you can imagine.

when she was over we briefly talked about going to oklahoma to play paintball (we both live 400-500 miles away from there, she live maybe 300-400 miles away from me.) its a two person trip for 4-6 days with camping and paintball among other things. she might go because my dad said hes not going to go, so weather she goes or not thisll be my first solo trip!

i dont care if anyone comments it felt good typing this.