Very LDR collapsing?

[ScottieGuy]

Hi everyone. First time of using a forum like this. I didnt even know a help forum would exist but glad to find this place as i'm in a situation I have never been in before. I will keep it as short as I can but it could be hard to explain.

I was using some dating site and some girl messaged me about 6 months ago from America. I'm in Scotland so it's a huge distance apart and something I would never usually want. We spoke lots on skype with webcam and voice chats and we really started to like each other. We both spoke about our plans and intentions and everything seemed so logical. We both agreed because of the distance we would use skype as much as we can to keep things on track.

She got a job about 2 months ago and since then contact has dropped massively. She's rarely on skype (We havent webcam/voice chatted since she got the job), we exchange barely 4 emails a day, any plan we had agreed to has changed. If I knew contact would become this minimal at the start, I wouldn't of agreed to things.

A few months back we agreed to send each other some gifts for xmas. I sent the gift to her the week we agreed. She still hasn't sent mine though as she claims shes having problems cashing in her money from her job (Surely she could borrow the money if that's the case?), meaning I wont get my xmas gift until after xmas.

What it is starting to feel like is she is getting on with her life as normal and it's me making all the moves and missing out to keep things moving. It's me who will be first to visit her, so I haven't long paid quite a bit of cash for passport renewal. I have had to adjust my sleeping pattern so I can reply to her emails. I can't get more hours at work since it would mean no contact at all.

I have spoken to her about this a few times, but each time she claims it is me she wants and once xmas is over her work hours will be cut down and contact will go back to how it was.

I do want to give things a go with her, but i'm not prepared for minimal contact and feeling like its me putting in all the effort.

Anyone have any advice or even been in a similar situation?

Thanks all

[3mK]

Advice? Yes. Move on. Find a girl in Scotland man.

You encountered her when her life was in a lull. She got herself a new job and all of a sudden life has picked up again. Everything looks different from her perspective now. She has probably met a whole bunch of new people and possibly has met a guy that has asked her out and taken her out on a date. I really hate saying that you are getting left behind but that's how I really see it. Best to not waste more time and find someone locally who you can get along with.

[someguyintexas]

Man, that is hard... Have faith. Maybe, she can't afford a gift for you and is embarrassed to tell you as you already got her one. just a thought... I would give her until after Christmas,as she requested, and see where you two stand at that point. I wouldn't send her anymore gifts until you do meet her face to face and see if the attraction in person is the same as online. Allot of women here in the USA that love that accent you got so you won't go back disappointed if it turns out to not be what you hope for with her.

Good luck mate

[ScottieGuy]

Thanks both for the input.

I'm not sure being able to afford a gift was the problem for her since our gifts were more like freebies. Little things we already own (I gave her a few things including a Scottish flag I had left over from a football game I went to). Months ago we decided to do it and she said a few weeks ago that she would be sending it that week, but hasn't due to work funds. I feel that people in this circumstance would surely borrow less than $10 to send their potential future partner a gift to open at xmas.

Both bits of advice are very helpful. 3mK you could be completely right with that. I don't think it would be that she has found another guy, but barely any contact since she started working could mean that she has seen another path. I don't fully buy the lack of contact is because of being really busy with work. It could be that reason but when I have "dated" before, people make time

I may as well do what someguyintexas mentions. Will give it until a week after xmas when all her long shifts will be finished (as i'm not going anywhere to find someone else in that time ), then if contact is still minimal I will cut all contact with her, buy myself a load of cool new things with the £600 plane fare I had saved up and take away the positives like talking to her pushed me to go and renew my passport

[4 ratties]

It's better that it's ending now then a year or two from now. This relationship would of never satisfied u both. It's much better to find someone local. Save yourself the time and heartache

[ScottieGuy]

Yeah that's why something does have to be done now... Well before new year.

In theory there was potential with the way it was, but not if she is fine with exchanging barely 4 emails a day. Thinking of things from what's been said in posts here, she would probably find someone else before long if contact stayed that way (4 emails exchanged per day or someone local she meets/sees a lot of time time). Then in the meantime, unless contact increased again, I would be unhappy with the lack of contact but would be made to lump it with the belief it could go back to how it was while she carrys on with her life like I don't exist.... In the long term.... no thanks

[Boisdevie]

I just think it's so sad there are no single women left in Scotland and you've been forced to have a 'relationship' with someone thousands of miles away.

[ScottieGuy]

I turned to online dating at first as i'm getting older. I don't go out to clubs any more, my job is accounting for a small business (so I spend most shifts in a tiny room on my own), friends are all settled down and here on the coast we have too much bad weather this time of year to be out and about much (100mph winds, heavy snow and torrential rain batters my town).

I was only searching for people online up to 10 miles from me. Until she sent me a message I would never of considered dating someone so far away. It all made sense though with what she was saying. She has been to Scotland before and had intentions of moving here if things went well, we would skype webcam chat nearly every night, plus I felt it would be a new adventure

[Silhouettes]

You can still keep connections with this girl, but don't invest all of your energy and time on her. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket. Find some girls to date in Scotland as well.

[Boisdevie]

I turned to online dating at first as i'm getting older. I don't go out to clubs any more, my job is accounting for a small business (so I spend most shifts in a tiny room on my own), friends are all settled down and here on the coast we have too much bad weather this time of year to be out and about much (100mph winds, heavy snow and torrential rain batters my town).

I was only searching for people online up to 10 miles from me. Until she sent me a message I would never of considered dating someone so far away. It all made sense though with what she was saying. She has been to Scotland before and had intentions of moving here if things went well, we would skype webcam chat nearly every night, plus I felt it would be a new adventure

Listen to yourself. I found my GF online. She lives 45 minutes away. She's asleep next to me right now. See the difference - you knowingly got into this LDR bullshit.

[ScottieGuy]

Listen to yourself. I found my GF online. She lives 45 minutes away. She's asleep next to me right now. See the difference - you knowingly got into this LDR bullshit.

Yeah I did, but again because of what we said from the start and plans we made. I was cool with skype chats with webcam and sound nearly each night and having 2 or 3, 4 week visits a year. So it did seem like a completely good idea and what I wanted.

Then it all changed through her work. Contact had suddenly broken down and even having 4 weeks at a time together now seems completely off the cards.

I can only really compare that in some ways to meeting someone in my own town, getting with them but then finding out months later that the things they had said when I got to know them were not entirely true. By then I would have some sort of feelings for them but would feel in 2 minds about things as they were not what I expected I was getting into.

[basilandthyme]

I can only really compare that in some ways to meeting someone in my own town, getting with them but then finding out months later that the things they had said when I got to know them were not entirely true. By then I would have some sort of feelings for them but would feel in 2 minds about things as they were not what I expected I was getting into.

For what it's worth, the comparisons are quite different. In the example of being told things which were not entirely true by a local girl, you would have been deliberately mislead by her.

However in the situation which has happened to you, it's much more likely to be a case of reality turning out to be far different to what she'd hoped it would be. All of us are able to guess how we'd cope and react in certain situations and we make decisions based on those guesses. But reality is never like how we imagined it would be. Things not turning out as we'd like them to is a long way from deliberately misleading people.

[someguyintexas]

So ScottieGuy, Any updates after Christmas?