Now my 2 questions:
- why do i still miss her after all the shit she put me through? (it really is a huge shitlist...)
- why after 1.5 years can't i seem to be able to love someone else? it just doesn't happen anymore
Because you do nothing to help yourself move on from her. Instead of doing the mental exercises you need to do to stop thinking about her, you wallow in your memories and you cling to your pain like it was your best friend.
Stop getting involved with woman that are not available to love you back. Go see a therapist about your fear of commitment. IMO: It's people that will fk a married person that are afraid to commit. Afterall, they'd not bother with someone elses mate if they didn't fear committing to their own.
Start consciously changing the subject of her when she pops into your mind.
Take her down of the pedestal you've placed her on. She isn't all that if she'd lay with you when she has committed exclusively to someone else.
Work to stop disresepecting yourself by laying with women that are taken. That makes you no better then her.
Work on making and maintaining your own personal boundaries so that you won't cross them yourself and end up with some other twat that can't be faithful.
You can get over her if you actually try to. You've yet to even accept it's over for ffs.
“The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs.” ~Joan Didion