Why must I feel things so intensely?

[Valixy]

Why must I feel things so intensely?

The human race feels very identified with their emotions and most of the people suffer because of the intensity of their feelings. It is un unbalance in our energy system and a necessary step in the process of evolution that one by one, we will one day overcome. Still, it is better than feeling very identified with the physical, as many human beings are or being a very cerebral type of person with very little emotional experience, imo. The key to everything is balance and discrimination and very few people are born with this internal harmony. Most of us really have to work for it. As time goes by, you'll find your own way to gradually achieve your personal harmony and things will improve considerably, as you have already experienced.

In my case, it was a question of time besides the personal effort and the many failed intents that meant valuable lessons. I think I mentioned this before on this site, that when I was in my twenties, and I used to suffer of many personal insecurities and doubts, a friend who was in his thirties told me that once that I would be over thirty I would change and suddenly have so much more peace, confidence and that I would find it so much easier to simply be myself. Quite unbelievable, a few years later it turned out to be true. I've developed my own system of values, I believe in it and I try to apply it. Sometimes I fail, but I don't hate myself anymore when it happens. As long as I try to respect it, I know I am on the good way. Not everyone sees things the way I see it, but I do, it works for me and this is just fine. I've also learnt that life is a two way street, that besides my patience, understanding and support, the people I come in contact with, need to respond in a similar way. If they don't, it might be because they haven't developed certain qualities yet or they see things very differently or they can't be bothered. Either way, I can always decide how much I am willing to invest in any relationship.

I don't know if this will help you in any way, EJ, but I wish you good luck! (and patience ;-)) You're almost there! :-)

[TheEvilJester]

I would not ask him to choose me over anyone. I would just disappear. I have no problem with my bf talking to other girls. He talks to all my friends, my family, his friends gfs etc.. but he doesnt have close female friends and I dont have close male friends. Thats crossing a line IMO

I understand. Like I said, I can't blame you for feeling that way. Anyway, don't misunderstand my curiosity as being argumentative. I am actually just curious, especially because I wouldn't mind some advice on how to handle such a thing should the situation ever come up in the future. So, I was curious to ask...

How would you feel if you were dating a guy you really liked, but he already had close female friends? Like, in other words, it wasn't like you two were a couple and THEN he went out and made new female friends. These were friends he already had before he knew you. How would you handle that? Or, for example, what if he had a female friend who he'd been best friends with since they were kids? That does happen sometimes. Maybe it is one of those situations where they've been friends their whole life, so they sort of are too much like brother and sister to ever date, but they are still very close.

I actually don't have any female friends that I've known all my life, so that last part was more so out of just curiosity. But, the first part I am actually interested to hear your thoughts, because I do have female friends who are just that... friends.

The human race feels very identified with their emotions and most of the people suffer because of the intensity of their feelings. It is un unbalance in our energy system and a necessary step in the process of evolution that one by one, we will one day overcome. Still, it is better than feeling very identified with the physical, as many human beings are or being a very cerebral type of person with very little emotional experience, imo. The key to everything is balance and discrimination and very few people are born with this internal harmony. Most of us really have to work for it. As time goes by, you'll find your own way to gradually achieve your personal harmony and things will improve considerably, as you have already experienced.

In my case, it was a question of time besides the personal effort and the many failed intents that meant valuable lessons. I think I mentioned this before on this site, that when I was in my twenties, and I used to suffer of many personal insecurities and doubts, a friend who was in his thirties told me that once that I would be over thirty I would change and suddenly have so much more peace, confidence and that I would find it so much easier to simply be myself. Quite unbelievable, a few years later it turned out to be true. I've developed my own system of values, I believe in it and I try to apply it. Sometimes I fail, but I don't hate myself anymore when it happens. As long as I try to respect it, I know I am on the good way. Not everyone sees things the way I see it, but I do, it works for me and this is just fine. I've also learnt that life is a two way street, that besides my patience, understanding and support, the people I come in contact with, need to respond in a similar way. If they don't, it might be because they haven't developed certain qualities yet or they see things very differently or they can't be bothered. Either way, I can always decide how much I am willing to invest in any relationship.

I don't know if this will help you in any way, EJ, but I wish you good luck! (and patience ;-)) You're almost there! :-)

Valixy,

Thank you very much! Your response was very helpful. I really appreciate it. I have to admit, this is something I have struggled with my whole life. Now, after getting out of a long-term bad relationship, it has all sort of come flowing back. It's weird, in a way, but I've almost been too happy. Good things don't seem to happen to me often in life, so it is hard for me to be happy. I always just feel like the next disaster is just waiting around the corner to ruin everything again.

I think that is a big part of why I struggle with this so much. Even now, I have been so happy, I've been meeting new friends, connecting more with current friends, and it has all made me feel so much better about myself....

And then the Evil Jester part of me keeps popping back up to say things like "You did this all before and only got hurt! It's just going to happen again." I keep struggling with whether I'd be better off just shutting down again like I have in the past. Maybe it would just be better to feel nothing again. But the thing is, I know from experience that is not better at all.

I do truly feel I just over-think things sometimes. I mean, everybody kind of ran away with my example of my new friend. This thread wasn't supposed to be about that, that was just an example. But, continuing with that example...

If somebody would truly think less of me after something like that, especially after seemingly thinking so much of me, then that would make them kind of an a-hole. Intellectually I realize that. But, it is like I expect people to hate me, so I have this double standard with myself where I think the slightest thing is going to cause people to ditch me. When I think about it, sensibly, though, a normal human being would not stop liking somebody just because of one incident, not to mention something that actually wasn't a bad thing at all, but showed that they actually do care. Frankly, if anybody would, then they are somebody I am much better off not having in my life anyway.

The problem is telling the Evil Jester part of me that, because I still struggle with wondering if it would be better to cut people out entirely again. But, I can't do that. I deserve happiness, and part of that is having good friends who help me feel better about me, and part of that is eventually finding my true soulmate. I can't do that if I shut down.

[Valixy]

Valixy,

Thank you very much! Your response was very helpful. I really appreciate it. I have to admit, this is something I have struggled with my whole life. Now, after getting out of a long-term bad relationship, it has all sort of come flowing back. It's weird, in a way, but I've almost been too happy. Good things don't seem to happen to me often in life, so it is hard for me to be happy. I always just feel like the next disaster is just waiting around the corner to ruin everything again.

I think that is a big part of why I struggle with this so much. Even now, I have been so happy, I've been meeting new friends, connecting more with current friends, and it has all made me feel so much better about myself....

And then the Evil Jester part of me keeps popping back up to say things like "You did this all before and only got hurt! It's just going to happen again." I keep struggling with whether I'd be better off just shutting down again like I have in the past. Maybe it would just be better to feel nothing again. But the thing is, I know from experience that is not better at all.

I do truly feel I just over-think things sometimes. I mean, everybody kind of ran away with my example of my new friend. This thread wasn't supposed to be about that, that was just an example. But, continuing with that example...

If somebody would truly think less of me after something like that, especially after seemingly thinking so much of me, then that would make them kind of an a-hole. Intellectually I realize that. But, it is like I expect people to hate me, so I have this double standard with myself where I think the slightest thing is going to cause people to ditch me. When I think about it, sensibly, though, a normal human being would not stop liking somebody just because of one incident, not to mention something that actually wasn't a bad thing at all, but showed that they actually do care. Frankly, if anybody would, then they are somebody I am much better off not having in my life anyway.

The problem is telling the Evil Jester part of me that, because I still struggle with wondering if it would be better to cut people out entirely again. But, I can't do that. I deserve happiness, and part of that is having good friends who help me feel better about me, and part of that is eventually finding my true soulmate. I can't do that if I shut down.

We all have an ''Evil Jester''. People may be more or less aware of or comfortable with it, tendencies may differ depending on the personality but basically it either puts us down or puts others down. It sabotages our happiness by undermining our personal self-esteem/projects or of others (which is just another way of sabotaging ourselves actually). I think that we all have a bit of both, oscillating more towards one type than another probably and the aggressive type seems to handle things a bit better than the passive one, but only for a while. What’s obvious for me is that we still have a long way to go in learning to live with ourselves and the others.

There are many approaches in trying to integrate this important part of ourselves from self-analyse, reading books, making changes in one’s life and preserving what’s right, therapy, or even spiritual. I personally have found that positive experiences and positive interaction with people (quality over quantity) simply create the energy that generates the change. When you focus on something that you enjoy, many insecurities tend to disappear. Love tends to find its way too when one is happy, even if it’s not always a guarantee for eternal happiness, just one inner joy and balance is.

[TheEvilJester]

Thank you again, Valixy. It is definitely a continued struggle. I just sometimes get so tired of caring so much, and yet always having the feeling that nobody cares about me. It is a stupid feeling. I know that intellectually. But, I can't help that it is often a struggle for me not to believe it. Lately, strangely enough because I have been so happy, it has suddenly started to get worse. Part of me is just waiting for that next disaster. The next person I thought was a friend to ditch me, or the next terrible thing to happen in my life. I know if I just hang in there, I will pull through it stronger than ever.... It's just not always very easy to see that.