Can I ever be friends with my ex again?

[qwertyu]

Me and my ex broke up 2 months ago and we decided in the best possible way to stay "best friends". At first it worked and we both enjoyed each other's company a lot as friends, but then he started dating a new girl. The girl was someone who we had fights over when we were still in a relationship because he and her were very good friends and I was incredibly uncomfortable with their level of friendship at the time.

As soon as he started dating her, I became a completely different person. I told him that he shouldn't have gone into a relationship with someone who I was so sensitive about, or that he should have waited a little bit. I accused him of never loving me and our relationship of having been fake the whole time. I even threw some insults.

After that he withdrew from me a lot but he still said that he would like us to be best friends. I became uncharacteristically clingy - I have never been that way in my life. I just wanted some sign from him that the relationship we used to have was not a complete lie and that we can still be friends.

He ended up telling me that we need to take time off from each other. He said that we can only be good friends after our emotions have calmed down a little.

As much as I like the idea of being good friends with him, I don't know if I could ever become his friend again. I have a lot of anger towards him. I have two questions:

1) Do you think that my anger is justified AT ALL? Do you think that I've demanded too much?

2) Every time something big in my life happens, I immediately want to call him and tell him about it. Then I remember that he doesn't want me to contact him for anything for a few months and I get very angry because he wants us to be BEST friends after the months break, and I think that if I can't tell my "best friend" something big about my life when it happens, is he really a friend?

Whether this thinking is logical or not, I'd like to know for the second question if I could feel any sort of feelings of friendship towards him after a specific amount of time even though he's been pushing me away. Could any of you be friends with someone who has pushed you away like that in the past? Have any of you ever done it?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Your anger isn't justified, but is typical.

You should not be friends with him. Don't get in contact with him, even after a few months have passed, and by then, you probably won't need to. You are clingy though, so maybe you will have the urge, but I suggest against it.

[qwertyu]

Your anger isn't justified, but is typical.

You should not be friends with him. Don't get in contact with him, even after a few months have passed, and by then, you probably won't need to. You are clingy though, so maybe you will have the urge, but I suggest against it.

Thank you for the response.

I was thinking that I might be clingy but I just needed someone else to confirm it for me, which is why I spared no details. It's very hard for me to keep a level head because I love him so much. I've started no contact 4 days ago and it is already incredibly hard and I came very close to breaking it a few times, which really proves that I shouldn't be talking to him at all until I can control myself properly.

[confused1lady]

In my own opinion you had every reason to act the way y o u did. I would of quedtioned the relationship and this new girl considering she was involved as a friend with him when you two were together.

So for thay exact reason I wouldnt be friends with him I wluld feel like hes not the person I thought to do such an insensitive act.

However I have a complicated relationship with my ex so I may be talkong through a selfish heart.

Best of luck. X

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sounds like you're on the right track qwerty, just keep it up.

Confused1lady, you sound like the typical psycho-dramatic British chick. When not in a relationship, you don't get to interrogate people.

[qwertyu]

I honestly always get replies like ConfusedLady from every woman I ask, and replies like BackUp from men.

I'm kinda starting to think that maybe men and women attach completely different meanings to relationships and that women expect a lot more loyalty.

This leads me to the conclusion that women have it right in being so selective in men and we should continue to do that, because most men will either assume that relationships are casual unless you specifically state otherwise, or they'll pretend that they thought that even if they didn't.

I also concluded that even if you are in a very close and attached relationship (as I have been with my ex) you should never get so attached that you would completely lose it if they were to leave you. I honestly never saw it coming, he was a very good guy and he showed me nothing but affection. If men are able to deceive so well, then there is no reason to ever believe that they say even when they seem incredibly genuine on the surface.

[4 ratties]

Sounds like being "best friends" is not working out

[Boisdevie]

If men are able to deceive so well, then there is no reason to ever believe that they say even when they seem incredibly genuine on the surface.

Nice bit of casual sexism there. Perhaps you're just shit at choosing boyfriends?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You broke up two months ago, he owes you no loyalty, especially not with regard to who he dates.

You are being very possessive. Your relationship wasn't fake, he just moved on. Maybe he started moving on before he broke up with you, but that doesn't make the whole relationship a lie. Stop being so melodramatic.

[Wakeup]

I honestly never saw it coming, he was a very good guy and he showed me nothing but affection.

Love just isn't the amount of new relationship "affection" he shows you.

If men are able to deceive so well, then there is no reason to ever believe that they say even when they seem incredibly genuine on the surface.

Seriously. Just because he changed his mind, or just because he showed you nothing but affection, DURING the honeymoon period it doesn't mean that after the honeymoon period, the limerence, the new relationship energy has dissipatted that he's actually going to be able to conclude that you are someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. It's after the lust and the new relationship energy is gone that we decide who we wan't to (try to) spend the rest of our lives with. In the beginning, thee who cares less owns all the power. It's afterward after the limerence that the the power is interchanging and shared.

All relationships end through either break up or death. If you want to go through life with your current jaded view, without ever allowing yourself to become vulnerable to someone, then YOU will be the one that is going through life lacking true passion or intimacy. That's giving up a lot but Your call.

As much as I like the idea of being good friends with him, I don't know if I could ever become his friend again. I have a lot of anger towards him.

but then he started dating a new girl. The girl was someone who we had fights over when we were still in a relationship because he and her were very good friends and I was incredibly uncomfortable with their level of friendship at the time.

You are a major Hypocrit. You didn't like him being friends with her while he was dating you but you've pushed to be friends with him while he dates her. Where are your own personal boundaries? If you don't like something being done to you, then why would you do it to others?

Keep men that don't need to be friends with ex's or overly-involved with members of the opposite sex while in a relationship of their own. Set some personal boundaries that you won't cross and you'll not be with others that cross them... Then you'll not have this problem.

Stop be codependent and acting needy. Just distance yourself from him, go zero contact so you can get on with your life without him in. That is the interdependent, :I have the power: thing for you to be doing.

Your questions are needy and you're still wanting someone who wants to demote you to "just friend" from lover. Have more respect for yourself and don't even give him the time of day.
That is how you will get to the stage of indifference to him instead of clinging to his crumbs as if they were golden. Pfffft.

[qwertyu]

Thank you all for your advice. I decided to just never contact him again. He hinted that he will contact me again at some point in the next few months after I've calmed down a little, but I don't think a few months will be enough. The best thing for me would be to never be in contact with him again.

[qwertyu]

Love just isn't the amount of new relationship "affection" he shows you. Seriously. Just because he changed his mind, or just because he showed you nothing but affection, DURING the honeymoon period it doesn't mean that after the honeymoon period, the limerence, the new relationship energy has dissipatted that he's actually going to be able to conclude that you are someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. It's after the lust and the new relationship energy is gone that we decide who we wan't to (try to) spend the rest of our lives with. In the beginning, thee who cares less owns all the power. It's afterward after the limerence that the the power is interchanging and shared.

All relationships end through either break up or death. If you want to go through life with your current jaded view, without ever allowing yourself to become vulnerable to someone, then YOU will be the one that is going through life lacking true passion or intimacy. That's giving up a lot but Your call.

That's true. It's just that he's been majorly leading me on. Even towards the end he told me he loved me and will always want to be with me, and that I mean much more to him than the other girl (although he admitted to me that he had some feelings for her). I guess I was just naive to believe any of that.

You are a major Hypocrit. You didn't like him being friends with her while he was dating you but you've pushed to be friends with him while he dates her. Where are your own personal boundaries? If you don't like something being done to you, then why would you do it to others?

I'm more annoyed at his hypocrisy because he always told me that he'll never be in a relationship in which someone was able to dictate to him who he was allowed or not allowed to see. That's why he kept seeing the other girl while he was still with me. And even after we broke up he told me that he'll still keep seeing me, and if the other girl tried to stop him from seeing me then he would break up with her.

Keep men that don't need to be friends with ex's or overly-involved with members of the opposite sex while in a relationship of their own. Set some personal boundaries that you won't cross and you'll not be with others that cross them... Then you'll not have this problem.

That's good advice and I'll take it.

Stop be codependent and acting needy. Just distance yourself from him, go zero contact so you can get on with your life without him in. That is the interdependent, :I have the power: thing for you to be doing.

Well I think it's too late for me to do the whole "I have the power" thing. I lost all power by being so clingy and needy after we broke up, and it's what pushed him away even more and I know he lost all respect for me because of it.

I will however stop contacting him for my own good. I'll also not tell him anything about my life if he ever contacts me in the future.