In love with someone already taken

[equazcion]

I’m a 24 year-old guy. There's a girl who I feel I'm in love with. She isn’t married or engaged, but she is in a committed relationship of almost 3 years.

I'm normally the person other people come to for girl advice, but for my own situation I'm at a loss. I've been with plenty of other girls before, but I've never felt this way about anyone else.

I don't get to see her very often, and when I do, it's like candy for me. I savor every moment, since every moment is pure joy. She wears her ideals on her sleeve; her hope, her poetic and innocent heart, even a little craziness, are all displayed without shame. It consistently astounds me every time I see it, since I've always kept such things locked away somewhere in an effort to be cool. I had thought everyone did that. Her lack of inhibition is infectious though, and gives me the hope that I can one day be like that. She is honest, intelligent, and spontaneous. She has a deep appreciation of everything, and takes nothing for granted.

I could go on. Suffice it to say, when we part company at the end of the night, all I want in the world is more time with her.

She has remained faithful to her boyfriend thus far (as far as I know).

Parting with her is beginning to have a more painful effect on me. The last time I saw her we were together for almost 8 hours straight. I must have gotten used to being around her. When she left my house and drove away, it felt as if someone had torn off my arm and wouldn't give it back. I was in denial that she had even left, and had the realistic hope that she would turn around and come back for some reason. I lingered outside, for fear of admitting that the night had really ended.

The feeling of emptiness has continued for a few days now. It gradually subsides with the passing days, but until the next time I see her, it won't be gone.

I have told her that I have strong feelings for her, but not that I love her. I've recently been pretty open about my feelings otherwise, but I haven't made a move, pressed the issue, or otherwise conveyed to her any intention to do so.

She continues to see me when she can, and despite being in a committed relationship, knowing how I feel, and knowing that her boyfriend is also aware of my feelings towards her, she always meets me alone, and almost never talks about her boyfriend. Things like these lead me to believe that I at least have a chance. I obviously feel that she would be better off with me, but I realize that my view is far from objective.

Should I fight (figuratively) for her, as the movies would have us believe we should when we feel so strongly? Or should I respect her boyfriend, someone I barely even know, and sacrifice my own happiness (and possibly hers)? Should I consider the effect that my efforts might have on the future of her current relationship if my efforts fail?

All the while, my quiet, nagging subconscious, tells me that what I really need to do for both our sakes is confront her, once and for all, and make the full extent of my feelings clear. She could then give me a clear answer as to whether or not there exists any chance for me. If there isn't, I should then give up, discontinue our quasi-platonic dates, and try to move on. "Closure, that's what you need," my conscience tells me. This is the kind of advice I would give someone else if they came to me with a similar question. It's really the smartest thing to do, objectively.

I can't bring myself to follow my own advice though. I’m not sure that I’m ready to risk hearing an answer I won’t like. I'm therefore not too anxious to make the confrontation.

Besides, that’s not what movies have taught me to do anyway. Do movies tell us to present our case to the object of our affections, achieve closure, and move on in the appropriate manner, even if it means giving up the one we love? Of course not. We should fight for love, for if love is not a reason to fight, then what is?

Do people really do things like that in real life?

There’s a small place somewhere inside me where those silly, childish ideals I locked away, like hope, adventure, and love, still have free reign. They’re telling me to fight.

Funny thing though, if she were an objective player in this situation, I think she would agree, being the adventurous, spontaneous, poetic-romantic type that she is.

What do you think?

[Only-virgins]

I would just be honest with her. Tell her how you feel and that you love her. Why give respect to her boyfriend. If she prefers your company and your like being with her then obviously she has stronger feelings for you. Just tell her, ask her my best guess would be.

[coffeecrazy]

This is happening to me at the moment. There is a girl at work who I like more and more every time I see her but the other day I heard her and a friend talking about a boy and if the girl I like has got the boys new number. I don't know 100% if shes seeing someone but I think she is and it drives me mad.

[ALovelyLady86]

Wow you sound like youre really crazy about this girl... I would give the world to be with a man as deeply emotional as me.. it is hard to find people who let go of what the world thinks to be ...well..real.
If shes been with this person for 3 years, it must be pretty serious. If you love her, and want her to be happy you must leave her alone. If she wants to be with you, shell take her own time and do what she feels is best. All you can really do is be there for her, be kind and generous to her... trust me we see those things.

[Kiechi]

I’m a 24 year-old guy. There's a girl who I feel I'm in love with. She isn’t married or engaged, but she is in a committed relationship of almost 3 years.

I'm normally the person other people come to for girl advice, but for my own situation I'm at a loss. I've been with plenty of other girls before, but I've never felt this way about anyone else.

I don't get to see her very often, and when I do, it's like candy for me. I savor every moment, since every moment is pure joy. She wears her ideals on her sleeve; her hope, her poetic and innocent heart, even a little craziness, are all displayed without shame. It consistently astounds me every time I see it, since I've always kept such things locked away somewhere in an effort to be cool. I had thought everyone did that. Her lack of inhibition is infectious though, and gives me the hope that I can one day be like that. She is honest, intelligent, and spontaneous. She has a deep appreciation of everything, and takes nothing for granted.

I could go on. Suffice it to say, when we part company at the end of the night, all I want in the world is more time with her.

She has remained faithful to her boyfriend thus far (as far as I know).

Parting with her is beginning to have a more painful effect on me. The last time I saw her we were together for almost 8 hours straight. I must have gotten used to being around her. When she left my house and drove away, it felt as if someone had torn off my arm and wouldn't give it back. I was in denial that she had even left, and had the realistic hope that she would turn around and come back for some reason. I lingered outside, for fear of admitting that the night had really ended.

The feeling of emptiness has continued for a few days now. It gradually subsides with the passing days, but until the next time I see her, it won't be gone.

I have told her that I have strong feelings for her, but not that I love her. I've recently been pretty open about my feelings otherwise, but I haven't made a move, pressed the issue, or otherwise conveyed to her any intention to do so.

She continues to see me when she can, and despite being in a committed relationship, knowing how I feel, and knowing that her boyfriend is also aware of my feelings towards her, she always meets me alone, and almost never talks about her boyfriend. Things like these lead me to believe that I at least have a chance. I obviously feel that she would be better off with me, but I realize that my view is far from objective.

Should I fight (figuratively) for her, as the movies would have us believe we should when we feel so strongly? Or should I respect her boyfriend, someone I barely even know, and sacrifice my own happiness (and possibly hers)? Should I consider the effect that my efforts might have on the future of her current relationship if my efforts fail?

All the while, my quiet, nagging subconscious, tells me that what I really need to do for both our sakes is confront her, once and for all, and make the full extent of my feelings clear. She could then give me a clear answer as to whether or not there exists any chance for me. If there isn't, I should then give up, discontinue our quasi-platonic dates, and try to move on. "Closure, that's what you need," my conscience tells me. This is the kind of advice I would give someone else if they came to me with a similar question. It's really the smartest thing to do, objectively.

I can't bring myself to follow my own advice though. I’m not sure that I’m ready to risk hearing an answer I won’t like. I'm therefore not too anxious to make the confrontation.

Besides, that’s not what movies have taught me to do anyway. Do movies tell us to present our case to the object of our affections, achieve closure, and move on in the appropriate manner, even if it means giving up the one we love? Of course not. We should fight for love, for if love is not a reason to fight, then what is?

Do people really do things like that in real life?

There’s a small place somewhere inside me where those silly, childish ideals I locked away, like hope, adventure, and love, still have free reign. They’re telling me to fight.

Funny thing though, if she were an objective player in this situation, I think she would agree, being the adventurous, spontaneous, poetic-romantic type that she is.

What do you think?

Personally, I would give up. I'm one of those people who tend to go for people who are way outta my league. But if her and her BF split up then it may be worth a trp.

Just my 50p haha

[coffeecrazy]

Yeah I tend to go for girls way out of my league.
If I were you I would leave it, you have told her how you feel - what else can you do, if she spilts up then, as said above, you may have a chance.

I feel for you man, it sounds as if you really like this girl, I know how you feel, you feel that you can make her feel happier with you.

[Prodigal]

Hi equazcion,

I like the way you think. You have apparently looked at it from what seems to be almost every angle. Incredibly analytical, it's like you're having a debate with yourself. I have a LOT to say regarding this situation.

The logical response does point (quite directly) at what you said you would tell someone else in your situation: that you need to get over this and move on. As you said, closure. But it is much, much different when you're the one in the situation. When you are the advice giver and the only subjectivity is from your affinity to the person you are giving advice to, the advice is apparent. Closure is what seems to be necessary.

At least, that's what would be logically said. Logic, what does that mean when applied to relationships and that enigma called love? Logic means reacting to situations in such a way that it hurts you the least, right? Closure is the response that corresponds to this, your mind thinks that this will hurt your heart less.

The question is, what are the consequences of closure? In essence, of giving up on this? I think the consequences are monumental, really. It is possible to block her out completely, to 'get over it' in the sense that the immediate sense of pain will eventually assuage. But with giving up comes the new pain; if you truly give up, then that opportunity (well, not much of an opportunity at the moment because she has a bf) is gone. And some opportunities... well, they go away if you don't take an attempt to snare it. Closure is only a compromise; you kill the pain that festers and builds with her absense, but a figment of pain is left trapped inside the heart coming with giving up on it. And that little pain doesn't go away, unless somehow a time comes where you have another shot at her... or if you find out she wasn't right in the first place and you have found a girl who was more right for you. Albeit for your situation, the way you describe her, can you believe the latter solution? Alas you never know if you'll meet someone with whom you connect with on a deeper level or who is an even better match, but there's a point to where you must ask, "Does it matter if I meet someone 'better'? Maybe she isn't THE 'perfect match', but she's as close as I'll ever get."

A deep probing of your most inner feelings to find an answer for this question... I think it's very important. If you think you can go on without her and won't settle for less... then I would agree with everyone else AND yourself; that closure is necessary to stop the internal bleeding that has been occurring for who knows how long now. If you think that she is it... then my answer is different. I'd say to wait it out, to see if things become stronger or crumble with her bf. Of course it is a bit cruel to wish that things crumble, especially with someone you care about so incredibly much. But if you feel that she is it, then... I think you need to stick with it. All or nothing, no settling. Or no settling unless it does become nothing for sure, I guess.

In the mind vs. heart battle, I'd say to go with the heart. More precisely, the gut. The gut feeling usually seems to be the best choice in terms of doing what YOU think is best for yourself. I'd say to try to get a feeling for that gut feeling.

And honestly, I think the gut feeling is telling you that you can't give up. At least not yet. You say that there's a "small place inside me where those silly, childish ideals I locked away, like hope, adventure, and LOVE, still have free reign. They're telling me to fight". The ideals aren't childish. They're not silly. In fact, they have such a presence that the debate on issues is usually whether to do what is 'logical' or to follow these ideals. Why lock away that ideal of love? So you're going to give up, and lock away that ideal? WHY? Because of LOGIC? Why buy into logic? Logic seems to try to stop or prevent pain, but what it also does is lock away those ideals forever. Ideals that may be the only key to true happiness.

If those ideals are telling you to fight, then I stand behind them and say the same. It's an uphill battle. There is pain before the happiness. But that is living life. The despair makes the euphoria ten-fold when it comes.

[jane]

I am currently on the other end of this situation.. the guy I like is in a relationship as well.. and I too have a hard time letting go of his image and words after I leave him. We are very close friends .. and I know that he cares about me but I have never told him how I feel about him.. I cant. I am afraid that it would kill whatever kind of relationship I have with him now. Unfortuatly for me.. its killing me. I think about him 24/7. I want to call him and just say hi.. and all the stupid girly stuff women do when you really like someone. I have no idea what to do and I struggle with it every day.

[equazcion]

Prodigal,

That's some good reasoning. I appreciate the long post

I'll state simply the concept you've introduced. I think that without realizing it you've again used logic, but you've indirectly brought another factor into the equation that I had previously overlooked. That factor is regret. Will the pain I feel now, of trying, be less than the regret I will feel later and possibly forever if I don't? What good is closure if what follows will be even worse than rejection?

Regret is a constant doubt; the question of what might have been, if you could only change some choice you made in the past. And since past choices are rarely changeable, you have no chance of getting rid of that feeling of doubt, at least not in a practical sense. You can choose to ignore it or be okay with it, but you can't do anything about its cause, since the cause is in the past.

I personally feel that regret is one of the worst emotions (if regret can be considered an emotion) that a person can be put through, and not only because regret is forever. I for one would rather feel the pain of trying and possibly failing, than the despair of regret. Failure comes with its own lasting pain; the pain of not getting what you want. But that pain originates from the outside. There is nothing you can do about it now, but you did try. You were just dealt a bad hand. That can not compare with the pain of regret, because regret comes from within. It's a self-punishment, it's kicking yourself for not at least trying when you could, and there is no one to blame but yourself. I can think of nothing more tragic.

Therefore my choice is to try. The question now is how to proceed. That's not something I'll easily figure out, but I'm working on it. It's really too big of a situation to detail here, but if I get stuck I may still end up asking for advice on the specifics.

Thanks to everyone who posted advice, especially Prodigal, who obviously spent a good chunk of time on her answer. Thanks also for the compliments about the "way I think"; that was nice little ego booster. I too like the way you think.

[Chlorine]

Equazcion----"Failure comes with its own lasting pain; the pain of not getting what you want. But that pain originates from the outside. There is nothing you can do about it now, but you did try. You were just dealt a bad hand. That can not compare with the pain of regret, because regret comes from within. It's a self-punishment, it's kicking yourself for not at least trying when you could, and there is no one to blame but yourself. I can think of nothing more tragic."

I feel your pain. You've made your decision to try. While it's different for everyone, the odds aren't in your favour because she has a boyfriend. I was in a similar situation. I made the choice to "get it over and done with" because I didn't want to deal with regret. So I told the person how I felt. In the end the answer was still a NO. With that came immense pain...tortured thoughts....and what I likened to being a sledgehammer to my heart. Inside you are bleeding, and you have to deal with it. With rejection I felt as if my whole being was nailed to the wall for all and him to see.
Looking back, the use of logical actions was no cure for emotions.

[Prodigal]

First of all, equazcion, I'm a guy.. (that's really embarrassing that I have to say that, lol; guess it's strange for such thoughts coming out of a guy or something. Your situation related a lot to mine; in fact, I found some of the similarities striking.)

Second of all, I applaud your decision; however, I feel as if to play the role of devil's advocate once again.. it's good for you to make sure that you're doing what it is you want.

Chlorine posted some GREAT words. The odds really aren't in your favor.. especially if she has been with this guy for so long. And the pain of rejection... well, I think Chlorine did a great job at trying to explain that too (for it is impossible to explain mental torture that conveys to everyone; it is different to everyone and different experiences unlock it).

I would most definitely heed Chlorine's warning; it's the best advice I've heard on the subject. Even if infused with new hope, remember it is still an uphill battle. Rejection has its downsides... huge downsides. But I think the pain that comes from rejection, albeit it is more intense for its duration, does or at least can go away. I suppose that with rejection you tried and you know your answer (although it isn't the answer you want, you got an answer) rather than always wondering if that answer were yes.

It's a tough call; I would consider playing a bit of a waiting game, to see if something happens between them. But how could you know, if she never says anything about her boyfriend? And, I don't know... that game could put you down a very, very bleak road...

I wish you the best of luck. I think that, after very close consideration, it may be the best thing to do. And if people said it wasn't the best choice, if your mind is set, would it matter what any of us said anyway?

I'll leave you with something one of my good friends told me not too long ago (ironically, it was when discussing my own situation). It went something like this: "Love sometimes makes you do things that defies everything. Love puts you through such intense feelings that can transcend logic and reason."

And you know what? It may be for the better.

[equazcion]

I assumed Prodigal was a play on words; prodiGAL ? I wonder if I'm the first one to make that mistake.

Anyway, yeah, rejection mgiht be painful, but I can take it. Regret, that I can't.

[lilwing89]

ok dude a few things
1 i like your vocabulary, i wish i was that smart
2 maybe you should tell her that you like her atleast
3. but im sry to say with the 3 year relationship thing but nomatter how good you are with the ladies if its 3 years and its serious, theres almost no getting by that, you might have to give up on her, maybe not if luck shines on you a little, i tried to go out with this girl that had only been going out with this one guy and she made out iwth me in the parking lot at my bro's basketball game, and never told me if she liked me or not..but she is STILL going out with that guy...so i dont know how ur luck will turn out but perhaps you should tell her that you like her?
its all up to you, bro...

fly on,
lil wing

[indigosoul]

Equa, it sounds as if you've decided. I completely agree w/Prodigal. Best wishes.

Lilwing, you can't "take" someone away from a relationship that is happy. This is for sure. We are all talking about the possibility that there is more b/t Equa & his lady. Sometimes, relationships need a little "push" from one partner, esp if the other partner is "stuck". Or not completely aware of the depth of the other partner's feeling...

Prodigal, I knew you were a guy, so don't worry. I do find your name choice interesting... an only child perhaps?