Getting my friend out of a "relationship"

[etchx]

Hi everyone, here's a long story about a friend who I will name John.

John has been a very good friend of mine since 5th grade. In fact, he's one of my only grade school friends that I still talk to. You could consider him my best friend. He has had his struggles in life and I feel like now he's is in a complete rut that I'm trying to help him dig himself out of. Only problem is, he won't. It saddens me to see him in this situation and no matter what I do, he won't listen or change.

Here's the whole story.

John is currently 30 years old. He was diagnosed with diabetes when he was young and his father suddenly died when he was 14. He then had to step up as the man of the house for his 2 younger brothers and took on a lot of responsibility. About 10 years ago, his mother remarried to someone that none of the brothers liked, so they all moved out. John, being diabetic, had to find a job that offered health insurance to cover his insulin. He then found a part time job as an orderly at a local hospital. He also works one night a week at a restaurant and tutors when he is able to.

Over the past 12 years, he's tried to attend college, but was never able to stay on a major long enough to get a degree. In fact, he almost has a bachelors in philosophy, but eventually realized the degree is useless. It was also difficult for him to finance and find the time to go to college, part of it has to do with his current situation.

When it comes to dating, John is a very nice guy. He will do almost anything to please the other person. He is an extremely passive person, very intelligent, and witty guy. He can also be very stubborn. Once he gets an idea locked in his head, it's near impossible to change it. All in all, he is a very date-able guy and would be the type of person you wouldn't be ashamed to bring home to mom. He's only had 2 real relationships. The first lasted 7 years in which they were engaged. She was a very controlling, whiny, yet fun person. John didn't really know any better and just stuck with it. Trying to save up for the wedding, John took a couple semesters from college off. His fiance found this as an inadequacy that he wasn't trying to better himself and left him. John was heartbroken. He had taken college off selflessly for the better of the relationship and was dumped for it.

Through the hospital he worked at, he then met his next girlfriend, I'll call her Eris. Eris and John initially were a great match(she was 19, he was 25). She had his kind of witty sarcasm and they both enjoyed the same hobbies. Only issue was, she was a few months pregnant from a one night stand with her ex-boyfriend. I warned John before the first date "Be careful, I know you and know you won't break up with her. You're going to have to raise that kid, you're still young. Make sure you're ready for that." When Eris had the baby, Grace, she was currently living with her father. Apparently, her father has some mental issues (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!) and eventually kicked her and the baby out. She moved in temporarily with her mother and grandmothers tiny apartment until her and John could find an apartment together. Yes, that was 4 generations of women living in the same place, how do you think that turned out? They found a crummy apartment together and John had to quit school again to pay the bills. Eris could never hold on to a job. For the 4 1/2 years I've known her, she has been unemployed more than not.

Grace, who is now 4, is a smart, sweet little kid. The father is a deadbeat who has custody every other weekend and holidays. John has basically raised her and has developed a deep emotional attachment to the child. He would do anything for her well being.

As time went on, Eris had become increasingly evil. First, she was having John take time off of work so he could babysit while she went out with friends. She would also make John change his plans to go out with friends and babysit instead so she could go out with hers. Then, she would get extremely angry over little things, belittle and insult John, and became very lazy. John was supporting the relationship financially and having to do all the errands and clean. Things got worse and worse. He told me certain stories but I feel like he left a lot out. The worst was when he showed me a text conversation between the two when we went out for a beer (I now live 2 hours away so I only get to see him once every couple months or so). She basically accused him of being worthless, and how can he be so selfish to go out when he knows that they're not going to be together forever and he should spend as much time as he could with Grace before she takes him out of his life. Oh, and also, the apartment was a mess and he should be cleaning. When he started telling me the stories, I tried to get him to see how cancerous the relationship was, and that there's better people out there. He realizes this, but the only problem is, he REALLY cares about the kid and will do ANYTHING for her. While this was going on, he was telling me how miserable his life is and how depressed he is, so I tried to give him advice and help him through it.

Shortly after the texting argument, she broke up with him. This was in October I believe of 2013. She has no where to go, no friends to room up with, her parents won't take her in, no money and no job. So if John kicked her out, he would feel responsible for putting her on the street, even though it's not his fault or problem at all. So they still live together. In fact, they still sleep in the same bed together, but she continues to reiterate that they are NOT in a relationship. He won't even date other people while they are living together because he feels like it will be too awkward. His plan was, when the lease ran out in May, he would then either move out or kick her out and find another roommate. First off, I know this probably wouldn't happen. Under no circumstance would he ever put the kid on the street. Next, she just had her vehicle repo'd so she doesn't even have any method of transportation. Now John is forced to bring her and the kid around places in his car. She just did get another job as a pharmacy tech a couple weeks ago. You may ask "Don't you need some type of degree or training for that?". Why yes you do, and she's had it since she was 20. Fortunately, the pharmacy is walking distance from the apartment.

So, MY problem/question is this. John is a very dear friend to me. He's the only person I can really share my feelings with. It kills me to see him like this. Living with a leech who takes advantage of him at every moment and he won't leave because he believes he has a duty to raise her kid. What can I possibly do to get him out of this situation? I talk to him about it very frequently. I try not to be too cruel and say things like "Listen, you have ONE chance to live your life, you're not happy with it and something has to change." or "You can easily find another girl, one who unconditionally cares for you and you can have your own child with her." But nothing works. I even went so far to offer to sell my house, and the two of us move to a different part of the country and be roommates so he can get himself back on his feet (I know, bad idea).

I appreciate you reading this long story and any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Wakeup]

Are you in love with John, etch? You seem awfully pre-occupied with his life and his own personal adult choices, rather over-involved for someone who is a simple friend. Do you have any other friends that you could hang with a little more so that you are not relying soley on John for your own emotional support and happiness?

I don't ask this to get you on the defensive. I just want to know because my advice will depend on the answers.

[etchx]

No, I am not in love with him. He has been a great, life long friend and I don't want to see him spiral his life out of control for the worse. To answer your other question, no, I do not have other friends or family I can rely on for emotional support. He picks me up when I'm down, and I try to pick him up when he's down. I have my own problems with friendships, relationships, and generally meeting new people that I won't get into. I suppose this is why it's important for me to not see him the way he is.

I suppose you're suggesting that I just stay out of his business. You're right in asserting that we're both adults and he can screw his own life up if he wants to. I guess I just don't want to see him like this. He doesn't want to be like this either, but he's too much of a nice guy to kick her out.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Kill the bitch.