I have a past of being extremely shy and anxious, one from which I have now thankfully largely recovered.
Recovery came at a price though. My first attempt at a relationship was with a girl I met online. We became very close and bonded over having similar anxiety issues. I fell in love with her but was unable to act upon it because I felt at the time that I didn't deserve her and that she was out of my league. So pathetically, I poured care and support into her in the hope that eventually things would somehow work out.
They didn't. I tried to force myself to get over it, by telling her how I felt, breaking contact and dating someone else (who I am still in a largely happy relationship with). It's probably because she was the first, and a first that came along as I was trying to shed a painful past and a lot of baggage.
I still think of her several times a day and struggle with the pain that I shoved down somewhere deep to try and move on. I fight the urge to get in contact with her all the time. I can't shake the "what if's" which are pointless, but that's how it is. I have no idea what to do, I've been very good to my girlfriend but sometimes feel guilty that I am in part living a lie.
I hope this doesn't go on forever.