when is it weird that he doesn't say i love you

[hkh8871]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We are long distance for 6 months of the year and 6 months we're together almost every day. He comes to visit me so we don't go more than 2 months without each other in 6 months. Our long distance is working out quite well and for the most part we get along swimmingly (occasional fights and one REAALLLYYYYY bad rough patch that we ended up working through together). I'm happy with the relationship- it's a very mature, responsible relationship and generally stable. The one thing that is a source of constant worry and doubt for me is his ex. He was with her for 3 years and was MADLYYY in love with her supposedly. He tends to not talk about her in detail, but he does talk about her to his friend that knew her. Their break up was horrible and he chased for a year until he finally gave up. About a year after that, he met me and we started dating. In the whole year we've been together he's never said "i love you". Occasionally he'll call me his love and stuff, but never the "i love you", even though one time in a fight i had told him i was in love with him. It really worries me that he is still in love with her and he's only with me as a distraction or something. It's awkward to figure out because I don't really have any evidence that that's the case except my feelings. I'm just wondering if this is something I should act on or just move forward. Isn't it weird that he hasn't said I love you?

[searock]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, we love each other very much and we're thinking about our future together (we're 24), but to this day he still hasn't told me he loves me in person (although he has written it to me). He was also madly in love with his first girlfriend, who was his highschool sweetheart: he believed that they would have grown old together, that she was the "love of his life", and all that Disney crap.

So, I think the reason he has trouble voicing his feelings to me is that unfortunately, those three words don't actually evoke "happy" feelings in him - they just remind him of the failure of his previous relationship.

I have two questions for you:

1. Have you asked him why he hasn't told you that he loves you? If not, you should ask him.
2. Does he show you that he loves you? How? Why is this not enough for you, shouldn't what matters be that he loves you, rather than that he tells you so?

[hkh8871]

I feel weird asking him why he hasn't said it because i feel then I am being pushy. We are 24 and 25 and he always speaks about the future and how it will be when i'm done with my studies (3 years from now) etc etc. He is sometimes a little standoffish emotionally and then other times just very sweet and loving. We had communication issues but we are both working at it. I think if I asked him he would feel cornered that I'm asking him to say it? I want him to want to say it to me. I guess it just means a lot to me for him to say it? It's silly cause he's really great in every other way and he does care for me deeply. But even on my birthday card he can't write "love (his name)" at the end...he just wrote his name. To me it's strange because I am a very vocal person with my feelings and he obviously isn't even though he used to be with his ex.

[searock]

I am a very vocal person with my feelings and he obviously isn't even though he used to be with his ex.

This is precisely the reason he isn't vocal with you: he used to be with his ex. He doesn't want to make the same mistakes, and in some contorted way he associates telling you "I love you" to the times he told her that he loved her… he wants to differentiate between you two. He used to think that he could only ever say "I love you" to her, her one true love, and now he's having trouble accepting that a person can actually truly love more than one person in a lifetime.

I think you should talk to him about it, seeing as it's quite a big deal to you, that's making you question his commitment to the relationship. Just tell him what you told us, that you don't understand why he has never told you that he loves you and that it's very important to you. It's not being pushy, it's just good communication.

You should also pay more attention to the things he does (rather than says) to communicate his love. You might want to take the "5 languages of love" test, and have him take it as well. Sometimes partners just use different means of communication to express their love, all it takes is for both of you to understand each other's language.

[smackie9]

Sounds like he's still broken. If you plan on a future with him, you need to learn that communication is a necessary tool for a relationship to survive. It might be a touchy subject with him, but you both are going to have to step up and deal with it. It's been over a year now (tnkx searock for pointing that out) and he is still struggling with his loss and having to deal with the long distance of your relationship is just compounding it. LDR's over time tend to lack connection when you are not in physical, and sexual contact which is crucial for emotional bonding. If you don't address this and the long distance you are going to lose him.

[smackie9]

Me personally wouldn't have stuck it out, and would never do long distance. There are better relationships to have than this IMO.

[Exeter19]

what does he do when you say, i love you to him? not say anything back? is it possible he loves you in a certain way but not in the way where you profess it and want it to be always? you need to discuss it next face to face.