So about this "her past" stuff... (serious)

[KingZ]

There have been a lot of these threads lately. Some dude finds out about his girlfriend's past, he comes to us crying, and the response (typically from the women) seems to be: "you can't judge her for her past. It's none of your business."

I want to ask: why not?

Let's assume it's true, that your partner's past is none of your business. So, looking into it without their consent would necessarily be a violation of privacy, which would necessarily be immoral. But let's say you acquired the information by accident; would it be immoral to break up with them because of the information you gained? If not, why isn't it immoral to seek the information in the first place? (If it isn't clear why these are necessarily inclusive, just think about it a little harder.)

And at what point does it stop? If their past involved all of their partners mysteriously disappearing after a life insurance policy was made, wouldn't you want to know about that? This is an extreme case, of course, but it needs to be answered. Where do you draw the line?

Let's look at a less extreme case. I saw a guy around here that found out his girlfriend used to be a stripper. Of course, all of the estrogen flooded the thread within a few hours with, "wah wah wah can't judge past" etc. Fine; but what about a porn star? It's totally within your right to know these things. I would say it would be immoral for her to not disclose these kinds of things early on. If I date a 20-year-old, I want to know if she's been married before, or that the year prior she starred in 6 bukkake films, or whatever. That way, I can promptly say, "Let's just be friends. Also, can I get a signed copy of those films?" Despite all of the "just dump his ass" responses we seem to give people, we all know it's much easier said than done when you're emotionally invested in a person.

Lastly, how past is "past"? If I'm in my 40s and a woman I'm dating told me she did a few porn films 20 years ago, I'm going to feel differently than if she told me she did one the night before, but that "it was my last one. I'm retiring from the business", putting it into "past" territory.

I think what lies more critically here is whether or not people are capable of change. Is the person you were an hour ago the same person as you are now? Perhaps it's because I'm getting older and more bitter, but I'm inclined to think so. People very rarely, if ever, change. I've been trolling this place for a decade now; the only thing that changes is the trolls get more sophisticated and elaborate (and more spaced out, unfortunately, because of work/school).



Whatever gets decided in this thread needs to be the standard for how we handle these cases, because it sucks and isn't fair for only some people to get a reasonable response, and ultimately, for only some people beyond the forum to receive fair treatment.

[Valixy]

The only time I was asked about my past was by my first boyfriend. He wanted to know if I had ever kissed or liked anyone before. The fact that I had been platonically in love with a guy in high school became a bigger issue than the fact that I had kissed two other guys. For the next 2-3 years whenever we saw that guy we had an argument. He even read my diary once and remained a control freak for the 4-5 years of our relationship. When I finished that relationship I realised that nobody, NOBODY had the right to ever question me on what I did, liked, loved before meeting him.

Fortunately, I was never again asked about my past in an inappropriate way, it must have been because I met more intelligent men. I don't have a problem talking about my relationships but I don't need to share anything about them either, if I do it, it's because I think it's important to know a bit about the other one, I speak when I feel comfortable and as long I feel comfortable. If I ever met anyone who asked me more than the typical polite questions like how long were you together, or what happened, why did you break up, I would consider it an invasion of my privacy, I would seriously doubt that man's tact and intelligence and lose interest.

I have a friend who was a dancer in a night club for some time, I don' know if that involved taking any clothes off because it never occurred to me to ask her. She had been a circus artist before and made a career in flying in the next years. She is a wonderful friend, happily married and she is a great mother too. I don't know if her husband knows about her being a dancer or if that could be a problem for him, but I doubt it.

Personally I don't know anyone who was a prostitute but read enough about it to know that many women made wrong decisions and were trapped in a life that made them very unhappy. Our society has a general low opinion about prostitution and I suppose that this is something that should be shared with a partner, in order to avoid spending years with a man who could no accept a woman for who she was at a very bad time in her life and who she became later. I wouldn't judge a woman who was a prostitute and the truth is that I can't understand why a man would lose his feelings for a woman when he found out something like that, even if I try to respect the posters' point of view.

As long as a woman loves her partner, is faithful and they are happy together, I personally can't understand the obsession with the past. If she lied about being single when she was married actually or the fact that she had children, if she cheated or disrespected her partner, then I would understand a man's need to distance himself but her right to privacy on her sexual history should be respected and not hold against her.

[Rowen]

For me, I think it's nice to be able to share the pasts in a relationship. Not to dwell on them, but just to be honest and open about it. This was especially the case for Dave and I. :S We were able to get closer by sharing intimate things like past breakups and losses in the family. I was able to share some really bad things that happened to me I never told anyone- not even this forum- and he was able to share things he never shared either with anyone. Like, for instance, he showed me this photo album of him and someone who was a close relative that he lost, and he never showed that to anyone else he told me. It allowed us to get a sense of what the other person was like and really see how the other's past shaped him into the person he is. It made me respect him more knowing how low things had been for him and how strong he was for climbing up to where he is. But I guess not everyone thinks like that? :S

This was all willingly offered between us, though- not snooped out or interrogated. I don't agree with snooping or interrogating because it robs the other person, I feel. But that's just me. It should be offered if it's known at all, and if anything it should make you have a respect for that person because of the transformation. That's just me, though.

[Wakeup]

I want to ask: why not?

I often want to ask that myself. Same goes for him and his past. Someone who fvcks cows can't be fixed that easily that their just fine and dandy NOW that they don't live on the farm any longer.

[searock]

I usually only have a problem with guys who find out about the sexual/romantic past of their partner after years they've been together, and make a big deal out of it. One would think that after many years spent with a person, you would know them pretty well. So why would the fact that she had sex with guys outside of a relationship before she started dating you be of any consequence? You know that person, you know who she is now. Get mad because she didn't tell you before, sure, that's understandable. But to actually suddenly doubt her as a person just because she slept around when she was younger (and hasn't done that since she's been with you) is simply unreasonable.

Now, if what she did in the past was immoral or wrong (she acted in a cruel way, disregarding other people's feelings for no reason, etc - for example, if she cheated on someone, tricked them into believing she was pregnant, and so on), it would be a different story. But doubting the ideals and integrity of the partner you've been in an exclusive relationship with for years, just because she had consenting sex with other adults before she even started dating you, seems pretty absurd to me.

[Wakeup]

Has anyone ever read about a girl that doubts her partner after finding out he wasn't exactly chaste prior to meeting her? Either in this forum or any other? I know I haven't. Whats with that? Do woman not have ANY standards? Are we (the general we) just not as discerning or ego driven as so many men appear to be... (based on forum use on the subject of course).

[michelle23]

I personally like to discuss the past. I like to know my partner has the same sexual values as me. Its not the "number" I am concerned with. Its knowing that hes not into casual sex or sleeping around that is important to me. However, I am young (24) so if a guy my age had racked up a high number and still claimed to be "the relationship type" I wouldn't believe him..

[KingZ]

Now, if what she did in the past was immoral or wrong (she acted in a cruel way, disregarding other people's feelings for no reason, etc - for example, if she cheated on someone, tricked them into believing she was pregnant, and so on), it would be a different story. But doubting the ideals and integrity of the partner you've been in an exclusive relationship with for years, just because she had consenting sex with other adults before she even started dating you, seems pretty absurd to me.

OK. So that's where the line gets drawn, then? Prostitution isn't immoral, but if I found out my girlfriend at the time used to have sex with people for money, I'd probably break up with her. Especially with the value of the dollar today; really pathetic.

Has anyone ever read about a girl that doubts her partner after finding out he wasn't exactly chaste prior to meeting her?

Yes. Not as frequently, but yes. Definitely.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Poke sleeping bears much, KingZ?


Wakeup, men and women are no more ego driven than the other. While it's rarer for a woman to be concerned about her man's past here, there are new threads daily about women stringing sorry, saps along for attention. Judging from this forum, men and women's egocentrism is pretty equal, just manifests itself in different ways.

[KingZ]

This is my neighborhood, dawg. I am the bear.

[basilandthyme]

I've never had problem with being asked about my past....and I'd be honest about it. I also wouldn't have had a problem ditching a guy who had issues with it.

[Rio]

I often want to ask that myself. Same goes for him and his past. Someone who fvcks cows can't be fixed that easily that their just fine and dandy NOW that they don't live on the farm any longer.

This sounds funny to me DD

[pcmaster]

[rest77]

Many always want to know the truth about one's future, but sad enough that they can't handle the truth when they hear it.

[haxan]

What a person has done in their past shapes who they are today. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. It's very relevant and up to the other person if it's something they want to take on in their life also. You have to be open and honest about your history and respect someone's decision if they don't want to be involved with you in the long term because of it. The past is the past and people move on, but ultimately you can never escape it and it's a part of who you are.