wife left me, separated a year, im living with a girlfriend, wife wants to reconcile.

[meandwho2014]

ok, first time doing this.... will try to make it short and simple for opinions
history - was with my second wife for almost 3 years, she has a daughter and we had a son together, married and together for 5 months, (still actually married) she decided she wanted to separate and needs space, I moved out, heartbroken, went into downward spiral, drinking heavily for a few months... we have both said and done some very mean things to each other in the last year. I have always wanted her and our family back and tried and tried, and gave up and i thought i moved on but i havent....we have been separated for a year,

I have now been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 8 months, moved in really quickly with her after only 2 months, I know a big mistake. she has 3 kids, and i get visitation with my 2 year old and have my other son full time... lots of kids, she loves me deeply and i love her, she treats me very well and lots of great times together. we do fight and i have thought about ending the relationship on many occasions because of this and because im not sure if i could be fully happy with her or not.

so i was planning to move out, told my wife about it, and all of a sudden she said she has always loved me, still in love with me, and would like to reconcile our marriage, we have hugged, kissed, talking more, and we both agree we would put in the effort we should have before. i agree that it could possibly work and am leaning more towards doing this. but afraid it wont and afraid of being heartbroken again

im very confused though on what i really should do, if i knowingly blow the second chance of being with her, (like i did with my first wife when i could have, but didnt really want to) and healing our marriage and family then i have to live with that the rest of my life and still see her at exchanges of our son with messed up feelings. if i leave it will devastate my girlfriend and her children, and i may regret it if my wife and i dont work out.... i would like some input please. stay with my girlfriend and continue the divorce process? or leave and date my wife again to reconcile our marriage and family after some time? she has a male roommate that she did have a sexual relationship with but doesnt now, and i do believe that. i told her he would obviously have to move out and not be friends anymore there are many more details but it would just confuse things more....

[michelle23]

I think you should end your relationship with your gf and move into your own place for awhile. Your wifes room mate should move out. Then the two of you should get marriage counselling and start dating again. Take it very slow. Try to resolve whatever issues were there before your marriage ended and learn to understand each other better. Counselling can provide you both with the tools you need to make your marriage work and to help you understand each other better.

Life is too short for regrets. It sounds to me like you have a fear of being alone and are settling for your new girlfriend as a result. You are not really happy with her but you think its better to be with ANYONE then to face life alone. That is not healthy and you will never find real happiness that way. My advice is to feel the fear and do it anyway. Work on your marriage but if it doesn't work out-don't look back with regret as you are not losing anything with your new girlfriend that is worth crying about. She is a rebound as harsh as that sounds and you are with her for all the wrong reasons

[spanz]

I would say not to jump to a quick solution. Try "dating" your wife again, including sex. But do NOT move in with her right away. Give it 6 months. See if you two really have turned a corner. Be honest with your current girlfriend too. Move out of there, but keep dating her too. After a while it will become clear which one is right for you.

Be a man about it all. be truthful. Let them know your feelings.

BTW I would NOT "demand" her roommate move out just yet. you do not have any sexual claim on her fidelity at this point....so why play that card just yet. Find out what she truly wants and THEN set the new rules up for the renewed relatinoship

[RambleOn]

ok, first time doing this.... will try to make it short and simple for opinions
history - was with my second wife for almost 3 years, she has a daughter and we had a son together, married and together for 5 months, (still actually married) she decided she wanted to separate and needs space, I moved out, heartbroken, went into downward spiral, drinking heavily for a few months... we have both said and done some very mean things to each other in the last year. I have always wanted her and our family back and tried and tried, and gave up and i thought i moved on but i havent....we have been separated for a year,

I have now been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 8 months, moved in really quickly with her after only 2 months, I know a big mistake. she has 3 kids, and i get visitation with my 2 year old and have my other son full time... lots of kids, she loves me deeply and i love her, she treats me very well and lots of great times together. we do fight and i have thought about ending the relationship on many occasions because of this and because im not sure if i could be fully happy with her or not.

so i was planning to move out, told my wife about it, and all of a sudden she said she has always loved me, still in love with me, and would like to reconcile our marriage, we have hugged, kissed, talking more, and we both agree we would put in the effort we should have before. i agree that it could possibly work and am leaning more towards doing this. but afraid it wont and afraid of being heartbroken again

im very confused though on what i really should do, if i knowingly blow the second chance of being with her, (like i did with my first wife when i could have, but didnt really want to) and healing our marriage and family then i have to live with that the rest of my life and still see her at exchanges of our son with messed up feelings. if i leave it will devastate my girlfriend and her children, and i may regret it if my wife and i dont work out.... i would like some input please. stay with my girlfriend and continue the divorce process? or leave and date my wife again to reconcile our marriage and family after some time? she has a male roommate that she did have a sexual relationship with but doesnt now, and i do believe that. i told her he would obviously have to move out and not be friends anymore there are many more details but it would just confuse things more....

Wow you are a hot mess Bro. First mistake you never leave your own home! Listen MeandWho 2014 go to this forum "No Mr Nice Guy." Present your issue there and start working this problem with your head not your heart. You have got to fix yourself before you can tackle these other issues.

[meandwho2014]

i had to leave my home with her or she was leaving it, she told me in the begining she wanted to still work things out and hopefully get back together, maybe a year separation, so in that time within a month she met someone and i found out about them and their sexual relationship, she then moved him in as a roommate and has been living with her since, jobless deadbeat watching my son while she worked and slept during the day since she worked nights, even when she moved to another place he moved with her, they are just friends and is supportive of her wanting to work things out with me she says... so now im confused though, i really love my girlfriend, she treats me really well, sex is amazing with her, and she is very supportive and in a better situation financially if im with her, the problem is that we do fight a lot and i have wanted to leave for a while but couldnt until my oldest son moves to live with his mom, which he is on the 12th of this month. i want to be with my wife again and try, but also still hurt from her sleeping with that guy, and allowing him to get into our business and say some very messed up things to me and even had to go to court with him because he tried getting a restraining order on me but the judge wouldnt allow it. sooo, he has caused a lot of problems and she has allowed it, my girlfriend has not really gotten involved in any of our divorce stuff or custody stuff with our son. i made a pros and cons list of who to be with is better, and im still not sure!!! really am thinking my wife though, but now i dont know how to tell my girlfriend, I was honest with her a week or so ago about this situation of my wife wanting me back and talking to me about it if i moved out, but i told her im not going and that was my decision at the time until i realized that i would have to live with that decision of not trying again with my wife when i have wanted to since the separation, i just feel so bad to leave my girlfriend now in the big house were renting with her three kids that i been helping raise.... still unsure what to do exactly... i am going through counseling and learning a lot about myself and working on myself, that is one of the main reasons also that my wife wanted to see me do during first separating is to work on myself.

[RambleOn]

You have a big ass knot you got to untie to get things straight. Go to the No More Mr Nice Guy forum. Talk with the men over there who have been in the same place you are now. You are in dark place Bro. You can get through this. Its a process that will take some time and work. There will be pain and folks are going to get hurt. But you have to get your mind right before you can wrap your mind around these problems. Drinking heavily is not a good place to start!

[meandwho2014]

You have a big ass knot you got to untie to get things straight. Go to the No More Mr Nice Guy forum. Talk with the men over there who have been in the same place you are now. You are in dark place Bro. You can get through this. Its a process that will take some time and work. There will be pain and folks are going to get hurt. But you have to get your mind right before you can wrap your mind around these problems. Drinking heavily is not a good place to start!

I am not drinking heavily anymore, that was in the beginning of being separated, then sober for three months and now just drink ocassionally. i dont feel i need to go to another forum to explain all this again.

[4 ratties]

just be single. if u cant decide between two different women then u dont really love either one.quit being so codependent and grow your own balls.

[michelle23]

I agree this is co-dependency. You got with your new gf too fast (probably out of a fear of being alone). You need to make a decision and stick with it. I would ignore the advice to date both of them. That is ridiculous and would be cruel on your new gf if she was crazy enough to agree to it..

Can you even trust that your wife is not just playing games to try and split you up? Can you even see things working long term with your gf even if your wife doesn't want you back? Is being alone without both women a better option for now so you can work ob yourself with your counselor?

It may be better to ditch both women for now and wait until your over your gf before trying to make it work with your wife. Your marriage wont work if you still have feelings for someone else